"Book 'em, Danon!"
"Book 'em, Danon!"

My drive up to Jerusalem had been uneventful up to that point. But when traffic began to slow to a crawl, I called my co-worker to ask him to tell the boss that I'd be late - again.

 "What is it this time?" my co-worker asked sarcastically. "Is it another protest? Did some big rabbi get arrested this morning that I didn't hear about on the news?

 "I don't know," I replied anxiously. "I'm just sick and tired of all these demonstrations that block traffic. I just don't get those guys."

 "Who? The rabbis or the demonstrators?"

 "Both. But it's mainly the rabbis. Look, if you write a book, or in this case if you write an endorsement of a book, "Torat Hamelech", whose subject matter apparently justifies the killing of non-Jews when the choice is 'us or them' in a time of war, you should expect to be investigated for incitement. It's that simple. You've got to stand behind what you write 100%."

"Are you sure about that?" my co-worker asked. "Haven't you ever written something that was misunderstood or that you wished you could have taken back?"

"Nope," I said with a smirk. "I stand behind everything I write. Besides, the police have the right to question these rabbis for what they wrote."

"Yes, I agree they have the right to question them, but don't you think they went a bit too far? I mean, they pulled Rabbi Lior out of his car to take him 'downtown' for questioning. Isn't that a tad extreme?"

"Are you kidding? They aren't doing enough! Finally the police are actually doing something. Let them question everyone and their mother for all I care."

 "You mean to say you don't worry about freedom of speech or freedom of the press? You are a writer too, you know. Do you want Israel to turn into a police state?" 

"Oh, come on," I said, annoyed at the turn the conversation was taking. "Hey, the traffic has started to move. Tell the boss I'll be there in 15 minutes. 20 tops."

I hung up my cell phone and eased towards the roadblock that was letting in one car at a time. I was somewhat relieved that the traffic wasn't due to a protest. I had seen these types of checkpoints before in other parts of Israel. Most of the time the soldiers or police were just looking to see a yellow Israeli license plate on the car, and once they did, they waved you through. This generally took no more than a few seconds.

"Pull over, please," the policeman said, waving me to the side of the road.

Embarrassed, I pulled over. I checked to see if my seatbelt was buckled. It was. I thought maybe he had seen me talking on my cell phone without the speakerphone on. I was sure he was going to bust me on that. That's just what I needed now, a ticket and a fine.

I rolled down my window. 

"Step out of the car, please," the officer said.

Nervously, I stepped out of my car and instinctively handed him my Israeli ID card. He inspected it thoroughly and handed it back. 

"My name is Officer Danon. I'm with the newly formed Incitement Investigation Unit. We are doing some random checks today. Tell me, what do you do for a living?" 

"I'm a writer," I gulped.

He smiled as if he had just reeled in a 'live one'.

"What kind of writing?" he asked. "Technical?"

"No," I shook my head. "I write creative type stuff: short stories, articles, blogs, you know."

He nodded.

"These stories you write, have any of them been published?"

I thought for a moment. One had been published in a newspaper, another online, but I think he meant if they had been published in a book or a journal.

"No," I said sheepishly. 

"What about the articles you write?" he asked. "What subjects do you write about?"

I thought carefully how to phrase my answer. I tend to recall my articles by the catchy titles I give them. I once wrote a piece about the sad decline of book reading among Israeli youth entitled: 'People of the Facebook' and another article was about a major teen pop-star visiting Israel which I simply called: 'Leave it to Bieber'.

"Nu?" the policeman tapped his foot impatiently.

 "Oh, I write about all sorts of stuff: sports, politics, culture, entertainment, religion…"

 "Did you say 'religion'?" the cop asked, jotting down something on his notepad.

 "Yes," I stuttered. "Mostly it's just thoughts on the weekly Torah portion."

 I prayed he'd steer the conversation away from religion.

 "And what sort of political articles do you write? Did you write anything about the flotilla to Gaza?"

I had. It was a one page article based on Bibi's remark that the flotilla was "no Love Boat". I wrote about how this incident would have been different had it had indeed taken place on The Love Boat.

I simply couldn't imagine Captain Stubing telling Gopher to take a knife and stab a soldier who boarded the Pacific Princess. Had the Israeli soldiers boarded The Love Boat they would have certainly been welcomed by Julie McCoy, the Cruise Director, directing them to their cabins on the Lido Deck. Even the opening theme of The Love Boat featured the line, 'Come aboard, we're expecting you!"

Those on the ship off the coast of Gaza also we're 'expecting' the Israeli soldiers. But not in a way the Israelis expected.

Officer Danon was busy taking notes. I knew I had to subtly change the subject.

"I don't only write." I said. "I also like to read."

"Oh, really?" the cop asked with mock interest. "What was the last book you read?"

I started to sweat. I honestly couldn't remember reading any books recently. For someone who writes a lot, I actually read very little. I decided to lie.

"Oh, I like to read the classics again and again. You know, everything from Shakespeare to Mark Twain. I'm in the middle of re-reading Huckleberry Finn right now."

"I love that book," the policeman said. "I took a course in American literature once. How do you feel about the use of the N-word in that book?"

"The N-word?" I asked.

"Yes, you know what I mean. Have you ever used that word? Have you ever called anyone else that word?"

I hesitated for a moment. I had a sudden flashback to an Oprah show I had seen about the use of the N-word in literature and modern African-American society, but I couldn't remember what she said.

"Never mind," the officer said, seeing my confusion. "Have you read other classics like Moby Dick?"

"Sure."

"So, how do you feel about whales and those who hunt them?"

"Um, I'm against it. I mean, I am against hunting whales, but I am for whales. I even saw Free Willy twice," I joked.

 The cop was not amused.

 "You mentioned Shakespeare. What's your favorite Shakespeare play?"

 I tried to think hard.

 "I love the one that Mel Gibson played in a movie… Hamlet!"

 "Mel Gibson, you say," he scribbled furiously in his notepad.

 I slapped myself on the head. Why did I have to mention Mel Gibson?

"And what books did you read as a child?"

"I don't know. Charlotte's Web, maybe. It's the one about the pig."

 "A pig?" he gave me a hard look.

His line of questioning was totally un-kosher, yet he continued.

"What about Israeli authors? Do you read A.B. Yehoshua or Amos Oz?"

 I shook my head in shame.

 "I've read the short stories of Etgar Keret?" I offered.

 "In Hebrew or translated to English?" he asked. 

"Translated," I mumbled under my breath. Danon shook his head in disappointment.

 "Are you on Facebook?" he asked. I nodded and he had me come over to his patrol car where he had a laptop up and running. He told me to open up my Facebook profile. My latest activity was marking 'Like' on a joke a British friend had placed in her status update: 'Today is the 4th of July, or what we English like to call, "British Nakba Day!"

"Nakba Day?" the officer gave me a stern look. I tried to explain the humor, but he wasn't buying it. I was afraid he'd go after my Twitter account next, but fortunately he didn't.

 "Do you ever comment online about other books or articles you read?"

"Yes, sometimes."

 "What sort of comments?"

 "Um…all sorts of comments…" I wiped the sweat from my brow with my sleeve trying to remember if I had ever 'dissed' anyone's book online.

"Do you have a library card?" he asked.

"A library card? No, but I used to have one when I lived in America." There was a long pause.  "But I do have a Kindle!"

Officer Danon made another note on his pad. I wondered why he asked me about a library card. Was he going to check all the books I had ever checked out?

 "Ok," he finally said. "You can go back to your car."

 I thanked him and quickly returned to my car. It felt like I had been let off with just a warning. I buckled my seatbelt and eased forward towards where Danon was standing by the roadblock.

As I approached, he signaled for me to stop again and I obliged.

"One more thing, Habibi" he said, as he leaned on my car while I clutched the steering wheel. "I don’t know what you're writing about, but I'd advise you to go to your local library and get yourself a library card. You watch way too much TV. A smart guy like you should spend more time reading - and less time on the internet."