I have two small newsgroups with close friends, and I send out as much as I can about what is happening in Israel. Usually, I am full of information about the politics, the situation, the conflict. However, in the past week, I can't bring myself to look at the news. It isn't the terrorism, it is the betrayal.
What kind of sick mind would come up with a plan to make Jewish soldiers remove Jews from Jewish land? What kind of horrible self-denial of our rights as human beings could be more clearly shown?
There is a deep loathing and sense of hate that comes from inside my bones at this uprooting of Jewish lives, and I find myself unable to eat, sleep, read. I am disgusted and angry. "Why have my brothers and sisters not risen up to fight this horror?" I think.
But here I sit, incapacitated by pain, unable look at the news from Israel. I can't even write a decent column. Everything sounds stupid and ineffectual. Everyone, it seems, is saying the same things. What can I add? I am struggling to put words onto paper that will somehow meet my sadness, my anger, and my regret. I know that I am one of those who is guilty of doing nothing while my brothers and sisters suffer. Why? Why have I done nothing? All of my excuses ring hollow.
It could be that I am in a tiny town separated from a community where I could find like-minded and supportive Jews to stage a demonstration ? but I have demonstrated for less by myself in the past. I have stood by the street alone with a sign held high. So, this is not the reason.
It could be that I feel that even if I tried to write or call my representatives, my phone call, my letter, my fax would be just one more phone call, one more letter, and one more fax on their table to be ignored as they plow on with this hateful plan of the destruction of my people in our own land. But I have sent letters and faxes and made phone calls for lesser things and against greater odds, with more knowledge of how they would be ignored. So, this is not the reason.
It could be that I feel very small right now. I feel that I am alone in the world, part of a tiny demographic group, made even smaller by Jews who are busy denying their own special existence on a daily basis. It could be that I feel dwarfed even by my own people, who are supposed to be there to support Israel, but who are supporting our enemies instead, in order to call themselves "liberal" and "multi-cultural." But I have fought against this group, too. I have, at my own academic conferences, fought my own mentors and professors to say that Jews are a demographic deserving of respect and that we have not been so assimilated as to be called "white" in a world divided by "white" and "non-white." So, this is not the reason.
So, in mourning, feeling petrified by my own fears, I read Psalms, and try to deal with the reality of the television and the newspapers, who parrot the speeches of supposedly ?pro-Israel? US politicians. I listen to the leaders of Israel coddle and mollify terrorists. After an hour or so, in Psalm 44, I come across David's words to G-d: "You sell Your nation for no fortune, and You did not inflate their price; You make us a disgrace to our neighbors, the mockery and scorn of those around us; You make us a byword among the peoples, a cause for the nations to shake their heads." These words ring in my ears. Especially the line, "You did not inflate their price."
I wish I knew Hebrew well enough to look into the meaning of every word in this line, but I don't. I search for footnotes, commentary, but nothing in my small library has anything to say about this line. I am left to figure it out on my own. I am pained by the words, and they sting me like a slap in my face.
We sell our inheritance for no price. For nothing. Our leaders just give away the greatest gift of G-d to his people for nothing. If that wasn't bad enough, the line goes on, "You did not inflate their price." The question is, who is "their"? Who is this line referring to? The easiest interpretation is that "their" can mean our enemies, right? G-d did not give us the wherewithal to inflate the price of the land we are giving for nothing, because we do not value the land enough. Then, if you add a second interpretation, to read that "their" is the Jewish people, then the line reads that we do not value ourselves either. We will simply sell ourselves and our land away for nothing.
Either way, the line is telling. When you ask nothing in return, it doesn't matter how much you inflate the price, it is still nothing. We got the land as a gift, so we don't value it? We have lost the land over and over again, it has cost us valuable Jewish lives, but we still don't value the land? We give it for nothing. We do not inflate the price, because we do not value the price we have paid for that land. Jewish lives don't even mean anything to Jews. Horrible. Everyone around us tells us the land is not ours, yet the Torah tells us that this land is ours, and that there is an even greater land that is ours. Yet, we believe the words of our enemies over the word of G-d. So, this is the reason for my lack of action.
I am doing nothing because I am feeling that there is nothing I can do. I am feeling like there is nothing I can do, because I can't reach the heart of those without faith, without G-d, to whom the land is nothing but dust and brush and buildings. I can try to appeal to them, and I have tried, but I am nothing. I feel defeated.
But that isn't good enough for David. He doesn't end the Psalm that way. He pushes me and everyone else on: "All this came upon us yet we have not forgotten You, and we have not been false to Your covenant." So, this Psalm is a challenge, and I feel ashamed of myself for my self-pity. I put myself before the computer today even though I feel broken-hearted. I feel there is nothing I can add to what has been said, but this one small thing, from one small person, in one small place, very far away: I will keep my eyes to G-d.
With a heavy heart, still weak from the scenes of the destruction of Jewish homes by Jewish soldiers directed by Jewish leaders, I write these words with a prayer that we will be strengthened today by David's words. I will not let the faithlessness of others make me lose my own faith. I will not let the senseless disregard of the land of Israel become my disregard. I will say, as David does by the end of Psalm 44, "Arise ? assist us! And redeem us for the sake of Your kindness!"
This is it. I am strengthened again. I will watch and fight and push and write and continue to have faith that G-d will see that we will not stray from the Path to follow a ?roadmap?. Even if I do this with tears, with a broken heart, and with the constant need for prayer.
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Michelle Nevada lives in a small town in rural Nevada. She can be contacted at [email protected].
What kind of sick mind would come up with a plan to make Jewish soldiers remove Jews from Jewish land? What kind of horrible self-denial of our rights as human beings could be more clearly shown?
There is a deep loathing and sense of hate that comes from inside my bones at this uprooting of Jewish lives, and I find myself unable to eat, sleep, read. I am disgusted and angry. "Why have my brothers and sisters not risen up to fight this horror?" I think.
But here I sit, incapacitated by pain, unable look at the news from Israel. I can't even write a decent column. Everything sounds stupid and ineffectual. Everyone, it seems, is saying the same things. What can I add? I am struggling to put words onto paper that will somehow meet my sadness, my anger, and my regret. I know that I am one of those who is guilty of doing nothing while my brothers and sisters suffer. Why? Why have I done nothing? All of my excuses ring hollow.
It could be that I am in a tiny town separated from a community where I could find like-minded and supportive Jews to stage a demonstration ? but I have demonstrated for less by myself in the past. I have stood by the street alone with a sign held high. So, this is not the reason.
It could be that I feel that even if I tried to write or call my representatives, my phone call, my letter, my fax would be just one more phone call, one more letter, and one more fax on their table to be ignored as they plow on with this hateful plan of the destruction of my people in our own land. But I have sent letters and faxes and made phone calls for lesser things and against greater odds, with more knowledge of how they would be ignored. So, this is not the reason.
It could be that I feel very small right now. I feel that I am alone in the world, part of a tiny demographic group, made even smaller by Jews who are busy denying their own special existence on a daily basis. It could be that I feel dwarfed even by my own people, who are supposed to be there to support Israel, but who are supporting our enemies instead, in order to call themselves "liberal" and "multi-cultural." But I have fought against this group, too. I have, at my own academic conferences, fought my own mentors and professors to say that Jews are a demographic deserving of respect and that we have not been so assimilated as to be called "white" in a world divided by "white" and "non-white." So, this is not the reason.
So, in mourning, feeling petrified by my own fears, I read Psalms, and try to deal with the reality of the television and the newspapers, who parrot the speeches of supposedly ?pro-Israel? US politicians. I listen to the leaders of Israel coddle and mollify terrorists. After an hour or so, in Psalm 44, I come across David's words to G-d: "You sell Your nation for no fortune, and You did not inflate their price; You make us a disgrace to our neighbors, the mockery and scorn of those around us; You make us a byword among the peoples, a cause for the nations to shake their heads." These words ring in my ears. Especially the line, "You did not inflate their price."
I wish I knew Hebrew well enough to look into the meaning of every word in this line, but I don't. I search for footnotes, commentary, but nothing in my small library has anything to say about this line. I am left to figure it out on my own. I am pained by the words, and they sting me like a slap in my face.
We sell our inheritance for no price. For nothing. Our leaders just give away the greatest gift of G-d to his people for nothing. If that wasn't bad enough, the line goes on, "You did not inflate their price." The question is, who is "their"? Who is this line referring to? The easiest interpretation is that "their" can mean our enemies, right? G-d did not give us the wherewithal to inflate the price of the land we are giving for nothing, because we do not value the land enough. Then, if you add a second interpretation, to read that "their" is the Jewish people, then the line reads that we do not value ourselves either. We will simply sell ourselves and our land away for nothing.
Either way, the line is telling. When you ask nothing in return, it doesn't matter how much you inflate the price, it is still nothing. We got the land as a gift, so we don't value it? We have lost the land over and over again, it has cost us valuable Jewish lives, but we still don't value the land? We give it for nothing. We do not inflate the price, because we do not value the price we have paid for that land. Jewish lives don't even mean anything to Jews. Horrible. Everyone around us tells us the land is not ours, yet the Torah tells us that this land is ours, and that there is an even greater land that is ours. Yet, we believe the words of our enemies over the word of G-d. So, this is the reason for my lack of action.
I am doing nothing because I am feeling that there is nothing I can do. I am feeling like there is nothing I can do, because I can't reach the heart of those without faith, without G-d, to whom the land is nothing but dust and brush and buildings. I can try to appeal to them, and I have tried, but I am nothing. I feel defeated.
But that isn't good enough for David. He doesn't end the Psalm that way. He pushes me and everyone else on: "All this came upon us yet we have not forgotten You, and we have not been false to Your covenant." So, this Psalm is a challenge, and I feel ashamed of myself for my self-pity. I put myself before the computer today even though I feel broken-hearted. I feel there is nothing I can add to what has been said, but this one small thing, from one small person, in one small place, very far away: I will keep my eyes to G-d.
With a heavy heart, still weak from the scenes of the destruction of Jewish homes by Jewish soldiers directed by Jewish leaders, I write these words with a prayer that we will be strengthened today by David's words. I will not let the faithlessness of others make me lose my own faith. I will not let the senseless disregard of the land of Israel become my disregard. I will say, as David does by the end of Psalm 44, "Arise ? assist us! And redeem us for the sake of Your kindness!"
This is it. I am strengthened again. I will watch and fight and push and write and continue to have faith that G-d will see that we will not stray from the Path to follow a ?roadmap?. Even if I do this with tears, with a broken heart, and with the constant need for prayer.
--------------------------------------------------------
Michelle Nevada lives in a small town in rural Nevada. She can be contacted at [email protected].