Edward's Snow Job

A modern fairy tale.

Trooper Amy Barath


It was a scene out of a familiar fairy tale, only billed as the G-8 summit.

President Obama and President Putin sat side by side on chairs that seemed fit for kings and would have been filled by such, in another time, in another place. But here and now, as the slouching American President who self-describes as "The One Who Leads From Behind", glances at the confident former KGB agent we hear whispers in the wind:

“What has he got that I ain’t got?” they say.

“Courage,” is the answer we hear.

Then cackling is heard in the distance, and Hillary Clinton flies in across the stage directly in front of the two Presidents.

“What difference does it make?” she shrieks.

“I’ll get your ambassador and his little dog, too.”

In a flash she’s gone, only to be replaced with a visit from John “if I only had a brain” Kerry.

“I’m off to Syria,” he says, “a two-state solution is in sight.”

“That would be Israel,” Putin says.

“Not when you’re going in from the back door,” You-Know-Who replied.

Putin rolls his eyes and sneers.

End of Scene.


Back on the mainland the media is blaring with reports of a nine year old who stole some technical gadgets from the local Walmart and then apparently fled to China, where he is asking for asylum. It seems to be very confusing to understand how a nine year old child could accomplish such feats.

Alas, in their haste to rush the story, the media exaggerated the young man’s youthfulness and we learn he is actually twenty-nine years old and the gadgets he stole weren’t really gadgets from the local Walmart either. It seems Mr. Edward Snowden, twenty-nine years of age, downloaded top-secret documents dealing with US intelligence, gathered from the NSA where he was employed and released them to a British reporter… in Hong Kong.

Currently cable news is screaming and pointing fingers, demanding that the public be enraged about their phone calls, emails and texts snooped on by the US government and being released by Snowden.

Snowden claims the government is violating our right to privacy. Critics have called him both a traitor and a hero. However, a majority of the US public really doesn’t seem to care at all.

Snowden should have revealed the names of all the low scoring Angry Birds players in the entire country. Now that would have been grounds for anger! How dare the US government snoop on our video game scores - how dare they! Snowden just picked the wrong information to release.

Even President Obama doesn’t really seem to care about Snowden’s criminal behavior. “I’m not going to scramble jets, “ he said, “to get a twenty-nine year old…(he stumbled trying to find the right word)…hacker.”

Is this a leading from behind strategy? I guess we’ll find out.

I guess we’ll also find out if Mr. Snowden has brought along his ruby red slippers.