Throughout the year, and especially in preparation for Yom Kippur, parents want to awaken their children to repentance, and teachers and rabbis likewise want to awaken their students. It is said that in the past, parents and teachers had greater authority, and children obeyed their parents and students listened to their teachers. Everything was therefore simpler and better, and so “everyone was righteous." However, King Solomon already warned in Proverbs: “Do not say, ‘Why were the former days better than these?’ For it is not from wisdom that you ask this" (Proverbs 7:10).
Indeed, in practice, not everyone was righteous. The First Temple was destroyed because many people sinned through idolatry, sexual immorality, and bloodshed, and the Second Temple was destroyed because many people sinned through baseless hatred, and the many serious transgressions that stem from it (Yoma 9b). Even afterward, not everything was perfect. For example, in the days of the early generations, for many generations people did not put on tefillin, until Rabbi Moses of Coucy, author of the Semag, conducted a major journey among the communities of Spain in order to awaken them to make tefillin, and put them on.
Apparently, once children really did obey their parents more readily. However, many parents hardly studied Torah and did not properly observe its commandments, and the rabbis grew weary trying to awaken them to do so. In contrast, in recent generations knowledge has increased, and many adults desire to study Torah from rabbis. Yet precisely now, when adults are already more learned and it would be appropriate for children to listen to them, children are more independent and are unwilling to obey their parents and teachers.
Perhaps these matters are interconnected: the more knowledge has increased, the more it is necessary to explain the words of the Torah in such a way that children and students will want to study Torah and observe the commandments.
And after all this, the question that troubles us all is: How can we awaken children and students to repentance?
Correct Yourself, and Then Correct Others
The foremost guidance is: “Correct yourself, and then correct others." Anyone who sees that his children are not praying or studying properly should first examine himself and strengthen himself in prayer and Torah study. From there, he will be able to awaken his children and students.
So too, it is related (Bava Batra 60a-b) that Rabbi Yannai had a tree that leaned over into the public domain. One day, a case came before him concerning a person whose tree leaned into the public domain, and representatives of the community demanded that he cut down the tree that was obstructing the public. He said to them: “Please come to me tomorrow, and I will issue my ruling in your case." That night, he sent workers to cut down his own tree.
The next day, when they came to him, he ruled that the owner of the tree had to cut down his tree. The owner of the tree argued: “But the Master also has a tree that leans into the public domain!" Rabbi Yannai replied: “Go and see: if my tree has been cut down, then you too should cut yours down; and if mine has not been cut down, then you too need not cut yours down."
The Gemara asked: Why did Rabbi Yannai not immediately tell them the law? It answered that this was because of what Reish Lakish learned from the verse, “Gather yourselves together, yes, gather" (Zephaniah 2:1): “Correct yourself, and then correct others."
The Gemara explained that at first Rabbi Yannai thought that his tree benefited those traveling in the public domain, because it provided them with shade. But when he saw that they were arguing against that man because his tree interfered with passage, he understood that such a tree could indeed cause harm, and that people simply did not point this out to him because of his honor. Therefore, he immediately ordered that his own tree be cut down.
The High Priest’s Confession on Yom Kippur
Similarly, the Levush explained (Orach Chaim 621:5) that the High Priest confessed three times on Yom Kippur: first for himself and his household, then for his fellow priests, and afterward for all of Israel, because of the principle: “Correct yourself, and then correct others."
The Lesson from Samuel the Prophet
We likewise learn that during the period of the Judges, the people repeatedly abandoned God and followed idols. Rabbi Yohanan learned (Bava Batra 15b) from the verse, “And it came to pass in the days when the judges judged" (Ruth 1:1): “A generation that judged its judges. [When] the judge said to him [the person he was rebuking], ‘Remove the splinter from between your teeth,’ he would say to him, ‘Remove the beam from between your eyes.’ [When] he said to him, ‘Your silver has become dross,’ he would say to him, ‘Your wine is diluted with water.’"
The person who succeeded in bringing the period of the Judges to an end and awakening Israel to repentance was Samuel the Prophet. He was an example and a model, and there was none like him in his devotion to God, self-sacrifice, and purity of hands. As it says:
“And Samuel judged Israel all the days of his life. And he went from year to year and made the circuit of Bethel, Gilgal, and Mizpah, and judged Israel in all these places. And his return was to Ramah, for there was his house" (I Samuel 7:15-17).
Our Sages said that Samuel, “wherever he went, there was his home" (Berakhot 10b).
That is, he carried his belongings and his tent on his donkey, and he refused to benefit from anyone, or stay as a guest in anyone’s home. He ultimately became an example of a person who refused to benefit from others, so that they said: “One who does not wish to benefit [from others]-let him not benefit, like Samuel of Ramah" (ibid.).
Thus, Samuel was able to say: “Here I am; testify against me before the Lord and before His anointed: Whose ox have I taken? Whose donkey have I taken? Whom have I wronged? Whom have I oppressed? From whose hand have I taken a bribe to blind my eyes with it? Then I will restore it to you." And all Israel replied: “You have not wronged us, nor oppressed us, nor taken anything from anyone’s hand" (I Samuel 12:3-4).
Therefore, he succeeded in creating an enormous spiritual revolution in Israel, to the point that through his influence the monarchy was established, and the Temple was built.
Torah Study
Therefore, if parents want to admonish their son or daughter for not studying enough Torah, they should first examine themselves. Do they set aside regular times for Torah study, as they ought to? Do they invest themselves in their learning? Do they go to hear important classes, or have the more important subjects become somewhat boring to them, so that they prefer to study lighter material?
They should also ask themselves: Do they merit studying with joy? And if not, what can they do in order to study with joy? They should further ask: Do the children see the blessing that grows for their parents from Torah study? And if they do not see it, how is it appropriate to tell the children about the blessing that the parents receive from Torah study?
After some inner reflection, they will be able to speak honestly with the children about the value of Torah study. If in practice they find it difficult to apply themselves to learning as they should, they can say to their children:
“It is true that we do not study as much as we would like, and we very much want to improve. But for several good years we were privileged to study seriously, and thanks to that we built ourselves. Therefore, it is worthwhile and very appropriate for you to make an effort to study more Torah."
Prayer
The same applies to prayer. When parents want to admonish their son or daughter about prayer, they should examine themselves to see whether they themselves pray seriously.
Does the father arrive at prayer on time? Does he take delight in prayer, in which he gives expression to the depth of his aspirations and is privileged to stand before God, his Creator, and connect himself to Him?
Has the mother established for herself a quiet place in her home where she can pray each day with concentration? And if, because of the demands of caring for the children, she is exempt from prayer, does she at least recite the blessings with concentration and joy?
After they improve themselves, they will be able to speak with their children, and benefit them.
Correcting Anger and Irritability
It is also very important that rebukes directed at children be very few compared with words of praise and encouragement, and especially that one should make every effort to avoid anger.
For even when the rebukes and expressions of anger are justified, by engaging in them excessively, the parents are essentially saying to their children:
“We have failed. We thought that faith would strengthen our lives, that the guidance of the Torah would illuminate our path, and that we would merit good lives and a blessed family. But in practice, we have failed, and our lives are full of anger and frustration. Perhaps you should choose a different path…"
For although the parents demand that the child follow the path of Torah, by becoming angry, they give him an example of people who do not believe in God, and therefore, do not see all the good in their children, and have neither contentment, nor joy, in their lives.
This does not mean that one should ignore the problems. Rather, one should magnify the good many times over, because this is the truth: the good is eternal, while the bad passes.
Generally, when parents maintain a positive atmosphere, most of the problems pass, and it becomes clear that the children are much better than they may have appeared at first glance.
Marriage and Children
Parents who want to encourage their children to marry and establish blessed families, need to correct themselves first, and continue to awaken and renew the love and joy in their own marriages. From there, they will be able to encourage their children to marry.
Beautiful Stories
A very dear and highly respected man told me that when he was young, he sucked his thumb until a relatively late age. When the time came for him to enter ninth grade, his father said to him: “You are now going to a yeshiva for older students; it is time for you to stop sucking your thumb."
The son replied to his father: “It is very difficult. You also smoke even though you know that it is harmful."
The father heard this and remained silent, and from that moment, he stopped smoking. Afterwards, his son also stopped sucking his thumb.
I heard another story from a Torah scholar. When he was studying in a religious high school yeshiva, his father rebuked him several times for not applying himself sufficiently to his Torah studies. On one occasion, the son said to his mother: “Why does Father rebuke me for not studying, when he himself spends so much time being idle?"
The mother told her husband what he had said. The words entered his heart, and from then until his old age, he set aside regular times for Torah study with great diligence.
This article appears in the ‘Besheva’ newspaper and was translated from Hebrew.
