A reader comments:
Your recent post, “It’s Your Life,” was a lifesaver for me. You can’t know how important it was for me to hear from a Rabbi that parents don’t have the right to interfere with their children’s life choices. I forwarded your response to my mother who has been making my life miserable ever since I decided to marry a woman who is a true lover of Israel and of the Jewish People, even though she herself is not Jewish. The way I see it, the person I marry is my decision, not my mother’s.
My Reply: GEVALT!!!!
The subject of “It’s Your Life” had nothing to do with intermarriage at all! It stated that if a child wants to do a mitzvah like going to Israel, and the parents oppose, then he need not concede to their wishes. Also, in life choices, like what profession to follow, a child is free to make his own decision (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah, Biur HaGra, 240:36).
However, if a child wants to commit a transgression, like marrying out of the Jewish faith, and his parents protest, of course he has to obey them. Even if they didn’t protest, it is forbidden for him to violate a law of the Torah.
While it is true that if a child wants to marry a certain Jewish girl, say Sarah, and his parents want him to marry the Jewish girl, Rachel, in this situation, the child need not listen to his parents (Ibid., Yoreh Deah, 240:25. Rama). In this case, a child can say, “It’s my life - I will marry the Jewish girl whom I chose.”
But if the woman is not Jewish, even if she is a great lover of Israel, it is absolutely forbidden to marry her (Ibid., Even HaEzer, 16:1), even if his parents approve.
Certainly, love is an overpowering emotion that cannot be turned on and off like a faucet. From your letter, I am certain that your girlfriend is truly a good, upright person. But, when it comes to building a family, a Jew is called upon to think not only of his personal pleasure, but of the future of the Jewish People as well.
The Torah states: “Neither shall you make marriages with them; your daughter you shall not give to his son, nor his daughter shall you take for your son. For they will turn your son away from following me…” (Deuteronomy 7:3-4). The prohibition against intermarriage does not stem from hostility toward other peoples and religions. It comes to guard our unique Jewish heritage. We are called upon to preserve the laws of our ancestors and the Divine code of life which we inherited at Sinai, and this cannot be accomplished when a Jewish home is influenced by foreign faiths and creeds (Horev, Chapter 77, Section 500).
Intermarriage undermines the entire foundation of Torah and Jewish Nationhood and severs the Covenant between G-d and the Jewish People.
The Talmud teaches that our forefather Abraham sits guard at the entrance to Hell, refusing to allow a Jew to enter, no matter how grave his sins. However, should a Jew marry a gentile, then the mark of his circumcision - the sign of the Covenant - is erased, and Abraham fails to recognize that he is a Jew (Eruvin 19A. Midrash Rabbah, Bereshit, 48:8).
We can learn the grave consequences of assimilation from the holiday of Purim. The Talmud states that the reason the Jews were punished with Haman’s decree of annihilation was because they enjoyed themselves at the feast of Achashverosh (Megilla 12A). Although they made certain to bring their own kosher food, nevertheless, they rejoiced at the opportunity to intermingle with the Persians and to partake in their customs (Meam Loez, The Book of Esther, Ch. 1). In their merriment, there were Jews who even forgot Jerusalem and who abandoned the yearning to return to Eretz Yisrael to rebuild the ruined Temple (Rabbi Meir Kahane, Collected Writings, Purim 5733).
Jews who are invited to the homes of non-Jewish acquaintances for a Thanksgiving meal should keep this in mind. Especially Jewish college students who are invited to the homes of non-Jewish girlfriends or boyfriends for Thanksgiving festivities which feature non-kosher turkeys and all the beer and wine you can drink.
Not only is intermarriage strictly prohibited by the Torah, sexual contact between a Jew and a non-Jew is also a grave infraction, severing a Jew from his bond with the Community of Israel (Rambam, Forbidden Relationships 12:1).
In order to safeguard the Jewish People from the lures of assimilation, the Sages decreed many laws to prevent undue intimacy between Jews and non-Jews. Thus, it is forbidden to take part in a wedding party of a Gentile, even if, like the Jews of Shushan, you bring your own kosher food (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah, 152).
Similarly, it is forbidden to drink wine made by non-Jews, so that Jews won’t come to drink together with Gentiles, become lightheaded and succumb to sexual temptation (Ibid., 123-124. Rambam, Forbidden Foods 2:7).
Eating the bread of non-Jews is also prohibited, as is non-Jewish cooking, even if all the ingredients are kosher, once again to prevent undesirable closeness (Ibid., 112-113).
These laws are not intended racist and do not intend to place a stigma on non-Jews. Rather, they are meant as a bulwark for maintaining the Jewish spirit and way of life. A Jew is commanded to love all people created in the image of G-d yet there are clear lines of boundary that must not be crossed (Rabbi Kook, Midot HaRiyah, Ahavah, 1. Shaarei Kedusha, Part 1, Gate 5).
Today, when Jews are accepted by Gentiles as fellow citizens in many countries of the world, these laws are especially important to safeguard the future of our People. Just as in the time of Achashverosh, when the ruling prince of the nations opened his banquet hall to the Jews, we are called upon to cling fast to the laws and practices that have distinguished us as the People of God from the very beginnings of history.
I hope that this explanation helps clarify this important issue, and that before marrying, you will think about these matters and take them to heart - for your sake and for the sake of your children.