Rabbi David Samson is a well known educator, author of several commentaries on the writings of Rabbi Kook and co-editor of the recently published “Torat Eretz Yisrael Anthology.”
Question:
I am a 23 year old, living independently from my parents. For the past two years I wanted to travel to Israel to learn Torah but my parents adamantly refused, insisting that it was dangerous in Israel during the war. Wanting to honor them and not cause them worry, I conceded to their wishes. Now that there is a ceasefiire and peace plan, they remain steadfast in their opposition, claiming that the ceasefire could be broken at any moment.
My father ended our phone call with “We don't allow it and that's final.” I would like to know what the halkhic view is on my situation.
Answer:
Once when I was learning at the Mercaz Harav Yeshiva in Jerusalem, a friend of mine wanted to meet the Rosh Yeshiva in order to ask him a question. He was studying for a year in Israel and he wanted to stay on for another year, but his worried parents wanted him to come home to America. He came to ask Rabbi Kook what he should do. HaRav Tzvi Yehuda smiled at my friend and said, “You are over the age of bar mitzvah, aren’t you?”
Similarly, when I was teaching at Yeshivat Machon Meir, I had a student who had come to Israel to learn Torah. After several months of concentrated study, his parents phoned from America and told him that they wanted him to return for their fortieth wedding anniversary party. He didn’t want to leave Israel, but his mother made him feel so guilty, he decided to honor her wishes. Arriving in New York, he informed his parents that he would be returning to Israel the day after the party. A few hours later, when he returned to his parent’s apartment after visiting a friend, he found a note on the kitchen table saying that his mother had been rushed to the hospital with a heart attack. He hurried to the emergency room at New York University Hospital and waited until a doctor came out.
“Do you know what you are doing to your mother?” the young doctor asked him. “She is sick with worry that you are going back to Israel.”
“I am thirty years old,” my student answered. “I have to live my own life to live.”
“I want to tell you something,” the doctor said. “Once upon a time, I wanted to move to Israel, but my mother was adamantly against it. I didn’t have the courage to do what I wanted. So here I am, still practicing medicine in New York. If you want to go to Israel - go. Don’t worry about your mother. She had some slight heart palpitations, that’s all. Her heart is a strong as a lion’s.”
Today, the same student lives in Jerusalem, happily married with seven children. His elderly parents live downstairs from him, in an apartment in the same building. After a year in Israel, his mother was able to give up all of the heart medications she had been taking for years in the States.
Halakhically, after citing a long list of instances where a child must obey his parents, the Shulchan Aruch cites four example cases where a child need not adhere to his parents demands:
1. When a son wants to learn Torah in a specific place and his parents refuse because the yeshiva is situated in a town filled with anti-Semitism (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah, 250:25, in the name of the Trumat HaDeshen, 44).
2. When the son wants to marry a certain girl and the parents don’t agree (Ibid., additions of the Rama, in the name of the Maharik, 167).
3. When a child wants to pray in a different synagogue from his parents (Ibid., Pitchei T’Shuva, 240:22).
4. When a Beit Din (Jewish Court) says a child cannot go to Israel because it is dangerous, the child need not obey.
In this last example, the Mabit explains that parents have to be honored even more than a Beit Din. And if parents try to prohibit a child from moving to Israel, the child need not listen. So therefore, the ruling of the Beit Din preventing a child’s aliyah cannot be enforced (Ibid., Even Haezer, Pitchei T’Shuva, 75:6, in Me'il Tzedaka, 24).
In all of these cases, the parents cannot prevent their child from performing a mitzvah, whether it be learning Torah, marrying, praying, or moving to Israel. When a mitzvah is involved, a child need not listen to his parent’s opposition. This is because everyone is obligated to observe the mitzvot (Yevamot 6A. Baba Metzia 32A).
However, the Gaon of Vilna extends a child’s independence to all areas of life, not only where mitzvot are concerned. For instance, if a child wants to move to another town, or if he wants to become a farmer, or if he wants to buy a certain commodity, and his parents disapprove, the child need not listen (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah, Biur HaGra, 240:36).
A child is to live his own life, and not the life of his parents. He is called upon to honor his parents in matters that directly affect their personal wellbeing, but when it comes to his own life, he is the captain of the ship (Responsa, Rabbi Yaacov Ariel, “In The Tent of Torah,” 6:2; and 10).
HaRav Tzvi Yehuda Kook told my friend (whose parents demanded that he return to America) that the greatest honor a child could bring to his parents was to live in Israel and learn Torah.