Rabbi Yehuda Mann is Rosh Beit Midrash Zichron Dov Toronto
Parashat Kedoshim is a short portion of 64 verses but rich in commandments with 51 commandments! One of the many commandments is the commandment of rebuke as it is stated in Chapter 19, verse 17 - "You shall surely rebuke your fellow, but you shall not bear a sin because of him." Rashi explains the two parts of the verse: to rebuke and yet not to sin by not rebuking in a way that may embarrass him, and if the rebuke is given in a way that shames him, the rebuker is not fulfilling the commandment but rather a transgression.
Rabbi Yaakov Kaminetzky [in his book "Emet LaYaakov"] asks - why not rebuke publicly, even though there may be a prohibition against publicly shaming someone, but as known- a positive commandments override negative ones [Aseh Docheh Lo Taaseh], and the positive commandment of rebuke should outweigh the negative prohibition of shaming?
Based on this question and additional arguments, Rabbi Yaakov Kamintezky concludes an important principle - sometimes people mistakenly think that the commandment of rebuke is being policeman in G-d's police force, thinking it's our role to enforce others' compliance with commandments and ensure they don't commit sins.
Rabbi Yaakov says - this is not correct. The commandment of rebuke is not a commandment between a person and God [Bein Adam Lamakom], but a commandment between one person and another [Bein Adam LeChavero]. Out of my love for my friend, I want him to fulfill the commandments because I know he is losing out by neglecting Torah and commandments.
Thus, when I rebuke him to fulfill the commandments, it should be with the intention to benefit and help him, and if I shame him in the process, it's a sign that I'm not truly fulfilling it out of love for him.
Rabbi Yaakov Galinsky [in his book "VeHigadeta", p. 309] brings that he heard this idea directly from Rabbi Yaakov Kamintezky and said he wanted to offer a different answer to Rabbi Yaakov's question - why doesn't the commandment of rebuke override the prohibition of shaming one's friend publicly.
Rabbi Yaakov Galinsky says, the commandment of rebuke might indeed be a commandment between a person and G-d and not necessarily between one person and another, but nevertheless, it's forbidden for a person to shame his friend during rebuke because then his rebuke won't be effective. When a person truly wants to persuade and educate others, if he shames the other person, the education and rebuke won't be effective. Nothing is achieved through education of fear and humiliation; but a lot is achieved through education out of love and respect for the other.
Rabbi Yaakov Galinsky brings proof of his words from the story of Yosef with Potiphar's wife [brought in Bereishit 39], and the Talmud tells in Sotah 36b that when Yosef was about to succumb to the temptation of sinning with Potiphar's wife, he saw the image of his father before his eyes, and his father spoke to him, saying that the names of his brothers and his own would be inscribed on the stones of the High Priest's breastplate, did he want his name to be erased?
Rabbi Yaakov Galinsky says, the rebuke of Yaakov could have been harsh words towards Yosef like - "wicked", "shameful", "how could you do such a thing?". But, says Rabbi Yaakov, rebuke like this is not effective and only causes distancing from the person trying to rebuke them; effective rebuke comes only from respect for the person being rebuked.
We learn from the words of Rabbi Yaakov and Rabbi Yaakov important principles in education and communication with others. If you want to convey a message, it must be out of love and a desire to benefit the other, and if you want your words to truly be accepted by the listener, speak with kindness and politeness.
For comments: yehuda.mann18@gmail.com