A 'Family' Christmas Party?

family_trouble: What is the proper way to handle family members who celebrate Christmas when we wish to bring our son up in a strictly Jewish environment?

Rabbi Gurkow: The first question I must ask is this: is your son Jewish?

family_trouble: Yes! And we are raising him in a Jewish home!

Rabbi Gurkow: Let me redefine my question: since you tell me that your family celebrates Christmas, I ask if your son or his mother underwent proper Jewish

My mother is trying to please us all - celebrating X-Mas and Chanukah.

conversion or if they are naturally born Jewish?

family_trouble: I should explain - it is my mother who was born Jewish, and raised us Jewishly. My sister married a Gentile and thus, my mother is trying to please us all - celebrating X-Mas and Chanukah. My son was born naturally Jewish.

Rabbi Gurkow: And you are your son's mother or father?

family_trouble: I am my son's mother.

Rabbi Gurkow: I see. In answer to your question, since you tell me that you and your son are Jewish, the correct thing for you to tell your mother is: "Thank you very much for thinking of us during this family time, we will gladly participate in the Chanukah celebration, but please understand that we will not be coming to the Christmas celebration. That would be contrary to the values and religion in which we are trying to conduct our lives and raise our daughter."

Then send your parents and your sister nice cards and gifts that have nothing to do with Christmas and everything to do with family and love.

family_trouble: We tried that for the first time this year and now my extended family is not speaking to us because of our decision. Should we make any attempts to heal the rift?

Rabbi Gurkow: Yes, but be sure to understand the dynamics first: the root of their irritation is it that your religion is different or that you sent anti-family signals?

family_trouble: That we are "too Jewish" now and they cannot relate to us any longer.

Rabbi Gurkow: That itself can be seen in two ways described above. Can you discern what the root is?

family_trouble: Yes, I was raised secular and my mother would prefer not to acknowledge her Jewish roots any longer.

Rabbi Gurkow: If the problem is indeed religious, then you need to know first and foremost that the shoe is on the other foot - your family is being inconsiderate here, not yourself. You are not required to participate when the values at an event are contrary to the choices you made in life. You need not be brought to another's life preferences. You have the right to make your own choices. And if they cannot see that, then it is indicative that they do not respect your maturity, independence and inherent right to make your life's choices.

You are, however, required to be civil, polite and nice. If you have done that, then you have fulfilled your requirement.

So, in answer to your question: you should make efforts to make amends - but do so without guilt; know that you are the one reaching out across a divide that you did not create.

family_trouble: Thank you, Rabbi. This has been a very painful time for me and my own family. I will take your advice and hope that the rift can be healed. I also plan to discuss

We are "too Jewish" now and they cannot relate to us any longer.

this with my own rabbi for support.

Rabbi Gurkow: I can only imagine how painful a subject this is, I can only imagine the pain of being left alone and misunderstood, and I must tell you that this will not go away. It will be an issue every year, so you must face it head on. It may still have after-effects, but at least it will have been dealt with. Please do discuss this with your rabbi, he may have an entirely different approach, but that will largely depend on your rabbi.

family_trouble: I think he will agree with you, Rabbi. I just needed support from a rabbinical source at this time. You have been so very kind to lend your time and wisdom. Many thanks.

Rabbi Gurkow: You're welcome. Shabbat shalom.

family_trouble: Shabbat Shalom and thank you for providing me with some peace.