There are monsters under your bed. They don’t howl at night. But you still need to check for them all the time.
These monsters are the worst of the worst, because they refuse to roll over and die when the good people say they must. They support genocide by refusing to let their children be targeted and murdered.
The monsters must be stopped whenever they appear. They must be stopped when they hold real estate events, when they pray, when they go to school, and when they buy a cup of coffee. For coffee is evil when a monster drinks it.
The monsters are at their most dangerous when they band together and commit the evil know as lobbying. They are so evil that they lobby for the right of monsters to live, as opposed to the brave lobbyists of Qatar, who spend billions lobbying on behalf of the monster-slayers.
America is blessed with eagle-eyed protectors, men and women like Zohran Mamdani, who has discovered that a million monsters reside in his city, providing fertile ground for the monster hunters, like Candace Owens, who uncovers the sinister plots of the monsters - which hinge on the gender of the wife of the President of France.
Like Tucker Carlson, who bravely fights off demons in his bed and has devoted his life to defending the monster-slayers of old so the ones of today can slay again, like Graham Platner, who bore the symbol of history’s greatest monster-slayers, and like Maureen Galindo, who wanted to round up all of the monsters in camps so they could be wiped out like they were 85 years ago.
The monsters want to live in peace, free to pray, to work, to go out to eat, free to make new discoveries such as the theory of relativity or penicillin, free to develop new technologies like drip irrigation or the USB drive. The brave, good monster hunters and slayers prove their worth by taking those inventions before denying the monsters their rights.
The monsters call for peace. The monsters, when they gather, chant about their nation’s survival. The brave and good monster-hunters call for blood. They chant for death whenever they gather. They know that there are no innocent monsters. They know that even a nine-month-old infant, too young to walk or talk, is a monster that must be killed. This makes them heroes, for every infant monster killed is a saved world.
The brave and good monster hunters burn the monsters’ ambulances, try to blow up the monsters’ preschools, shoot the monsters in the back, but the monsters prove their evil by trying to fight back with words. There is no bigotry among the monster-hunters. They simply hate monsters. And if some monsters die, that is nothing to worry about. It is good.
There is nothing more evil, more insidious, more monstrous than donating to a politician who does not support the slaughter of monsters, who does not think that the monsters’ houses of worship are legitimate targets, and who believes that the children of monsters have a right to live.
Rest assured, dear readers, you are safe from the evil machinations of the monsters who just want to live, for the monster hunters are always ready to check under the bed for Jews.
Gary Willig is a veteran member of the Arutz Sheva news team.