Aviva Siegel: ‘I survived. I’m here to tell’

Survivor of Hamas captivity Aviva Siegel spoke to Arutz Sheva-Israel National News about her new book, Survived to Tell, describing how the decision to document her experiences began while she was still being held in Gaza.

“After just a couple of hours in Gaza, underneath the ground, I looked at everybody, and I said, ‘At this minute we are becoming history of Eretz Israel,’" Siegel recalls.

She says that during captivity, she repeatedly told the other hostages that they would one day write a book about what they had endured. “Some things happened, and I said, ‘We have to remember. It’s going to go into the book that we’re going to write.’ And when I said that, I really meant it."

At the same time, she admits that part of her wanted to leave the memories behind. She recounts a conversation with her husband, Keith Siegel, who is also held hostage.

“After a couple of weeks, Keith looked at me, and he looked at Amit (Soussana), who was with us, and he said, ‘What happened on that day at that house? I need to remember.’ So I looked at him, and I said, ‘Keith, why do you want to remember?’ He said, ‘I want to remember everything.’ And I looked at him, and I said, ‘I want to forget everything.’"

Siegel says she began writing after returning home, when one of her daughters left her a notebook.

“She didn’t even say, ‘Write what happened.’ She said, ‘Just write whatever you feel like.’"

For nights, she debated whether to begin. The turning point came while visiting her daughter Ilan and her grandchildren. “The older one, who was nine, kept coming out of the room because he wanted to stay and listen to what I had to say. So that day I decided I’m going to write a book for him."

Aviva returned from captivity after 51 days, while Keith remained in Gaza for 484 days.

She says that speaking publicly about her experiences became part of her effort to secure the release of the remaining hostages, including her husband, Liri Albag, and Agam Berger.

“I just couldn’t handle that they were going to be there one more minute," she says. “I really did everything I could. If anybody saw my calendar, it was from seven in the morning until twelve at night. I used to talk and talk and talk in different places, on the news all over the world, wherever somebody would listen to me."

Throughout the interview, Siegel speaks about the abuse she witnesses in captivity, including sexual violence.

“I didn’t really care what other people thought," she says regarding reactions to her testimony. “I just knew that I could not keep quiet, that I had to tell everybody the truth."

She describes watching what happens to the young women held alongside her and to her husband.

“The worst moments of mine were when they did bad things to Keith and the girls," she says. “I remember myself saying, ‘Let them do everything to me, but don’t touch them.’"

Siegel says the details included in the book are written deliberately so that future generations will understand what happened.

“In the book, I really went into details because I wanted my grandchildren and everybody that reads the book to really, really understand what happened," she said. “What happened to me as a human being, and what happened to Keith and to the girls."

Asked what she hopes readers will take from the book, Siegel says it serves several purposes.

“I think it’s everything together," she said. “First of all, for my family and for my grandchildren to know what their grandparents went through."

She also describes the act of writing as a personal victory.

“For me, it’s victory to say, ‘I survived. I’m here to tell. I’m here to tell you and to tell the next generation.’"

Siegel says she recently told Keith that people will still be reading the book centuries from now.

“My book is going to be read in 200 years’ time, and people in 200 years’ time will understand what we went through because of this book."

She adds that writing the book also helps her cope with the memories.

“I can leave some of the stories aside and put them there in the book, but I don’t have to feel them all the time."

Siegel says she believes Israeli society must continue speaking openly about the events of October 7 and the aftermath.

“For us to really recover, we need to talk about it. We need to talk about it again. We need to understand it," she said.

She notes that groups have already invited her to discuss the book after reading it.

“I just want people to understand what somebody 62 years old, who gets kidnapped in pyjamas and taken from my home, went through."

Asked whether she spends time thinking about Hamas or revenge, Siegel says that is not where her focus lies.

“People ask me, ‘Are you angry with them? Do you want them to be killed?’ I don’t even think about that," she said. “I feel like I’m home. He came home."

Most of the book, she explains, was completed before Keith’s return. “The book was nearly finished before Keith came home," she said. “But when Keith came home, I couldn’t write. I just couldn’t."

She says she made an agreement with herself never to force the writing process. “I needed a pen that writes itself," she said. “I had to wait until I was ready."

Asked how she and her family are coping today, Siegel says recovery is still ongoing. “I want to be good, and I want to tell you that it’s good. I don’t want to just say that because I don’t really feel that yet," she said.

She describes the lasting effect her ordeal had on her family. “I see my kids who haven’t gone back to their jobs, and they still don’t know how to go back," she said. “It really breaks my heart."

She also speaks about the impact on her grandchildren. “They can cry until today about what we went through, and they’re young," she said. “I think we’re still recovering as a family, and I don’t know how long it will take before I’ll be able to say to everybody, ‘I’m feeling good. Everything’s okay.’"