Dr. Avi Perry is a former professor at Northwestern University, a former Bell Labs researcher and manager, and later served as Vice President at NMS Communications. He represented the United States on the UN’s International Telecommunication Union (ITU) Standards Committee, where he authored significant portions of the G.168 standard. He is the author of the thriller novel 72 Virgins and a Cambridge University Press book on voice quality in wireless networks, and is a regular op-ed contributor to The Jerusalem Post and Israel National News.
Moderator:
Good afternoon. Welcome to the emergency press conference of the Board of Piece. Please note that this session is off the record, except for everything that will be quoted selectively. Questions implying cause and effect, agency, or responsibility will be treated as hate speech.
We begin with opening remarks.
Chairperson:
Let me state unequivocally, the Board condemns the destruction of Gaza after Hamas uses newly reconstructed civilian infrastructure to store weapons, operate command centers, launch rockets, and prepare the next round, because mentioning that part too loudly risks distracting from the real issue, which is Israel’s response.
Let’s keep our priorities straight.
Reporter #1:
Why are you calling it the Board of Piece rather than the Board of Peace?
Chairperson:
We do so to reflect the fact that we are aiming to produce a piece.
Reporter #1:
A piece of what?
Chairperson:
You can figure it out.
Reporter #1 (again):
Are you saying reconstruction will proceed without Hamas disarmament?
Chairperson:
Correct. Disarmament is considered unrealistic, destabilizing, and frankly, rude. Reconstruction, by contrast, is polite.
Reporter #2:
So Hamas remains armed?
Chairperson:
We prefer the term structurally misunderstood.
Reporter #3:
Why are Hamas, Hezbollah, and the Houthis not present today?
Chairperson:
They have informed us that after Israel “stripped them naked," they are experiencing temporary liquidity issues. They cannot afford the billion dollar admission fee required for a seat at this conference. They must, as they put it, buy underwear first.
Reporter #3:
Who charged the billion?
Chairperson:
President Trump.
Reporter #4:
Will the money be refunded if a member withdraws or is forced out?
Chairperson:
No. The billion has already been cashed. Peace is a premium product. Turkey, however, was admitted despite objections.
Reporter #5:
Israel objected to Turkey’s participation, correct?
Chairperson:
Yes. The objection was recorded, acknowledged, ignored, and archived. The billion cleared. The process is unable to issue a refund due to clearance. Turkey remained. That is how process works.
Reporter #6:
What role does Turkey play?
Chairperson:
Turkey contributes regional insight, selective outrage, and strategic ambiguity. We value diversity.
Reporter #7:
What about voices critical of Israel?
Chairperson (brightening):
Ah yes. We are pleased to welcome our moral advisory panel. Ms. Cortez, please take the lead.
AOC (via video link):
The destruction of Gaza is unacceptable, especially when it follows reconstruction. Power must be held accountable, except Hamas, which lacks power because Israel exists.
Reporter #8:
Does Hamas bear responsibility for using civilian areas militarily?
AOC:
That framing lacks nuance.
Ilhan Omar (standing next to AOC, nodding):
Exactly. We must ask why Israel feels threatened, and whether that feeling is appropriate.
Reporter #9:
What about Hamas’s charter?
Ilhan Omar:
We should not be defined by documents.
Moderator:
Thank you. Now, for balance, we welcome Senator Bernie, the Jew.
Bernie Sanders (clearing his throat and hugging AOC):
As a Jew, let me say this clearly, criticizing Israel is not antisemitic. In fact, it is necessary. When I say it, it proves it.
Reporter #10:
Does that mean others can repeat it safely?
Bernie:
Yes. Especially if they quote me.
Reporter #11:
What about antisemitism?
Bernie:
I have been friendly with all so called antisemites. They all love me. How can they be antisemites if they kiss my butt and I kiss back. This is love, not antisemitism.
Reporter #12:
Returning to Gaza, why is Hamas disarmament not on the agenda?
Chairperson:
Because it is the elephant in the room.
Reporter #12:
So the elephant exists?
Chairperson:
Officially, no.
Reporter #13:
But Hamas is still armed.
Chairperson:
Allegedly.
Reporter #3:
Isn’t Hamas disarmament a prerequisite for lasting peace?
Chairperson (visibly uncomfortable):
We reject the premise of the question. Disarmament introduces complexity. Complexity delays consensus. Consensus delays press releases. Therefore, disarmament is counterproductive to peace.
Reporter #14:
And Hamas will use the rebuilt infrastructure militarily.
Chairperson:
Speculation.
Reporter #14:
And Israel will respond.
Chairperson:
That is an outrageous provocation, but it is part of the plan and part of the process.
Reporter #15:
This seems predictable. In fact, as you have just said, this is the plan.
Chairperson:
And we acknowledge it, but we do not accept it. It is all Israel’s fault.
Reporter #4:
And after Hamas uses the rebuilt infrastructure to rearm?
Chairperson:
We will be shocked.
Reporter #5:
And after Israel responds?
Chairperson:
We will be outraged. We will frame it as genocide.
Reporter #6:
And then?
Chairperson:
Then we will rebuild again, while condemning Israel for not learning from the last time.
Reporter #7:
What about accountability?
Chairperson:
Absolutely. Accountability is essential. That is why we have already prepared a draft statement blaming Israel for future developments.
Reporter #8:
Isn’t this cycle predictable?
Chairperson:
Predictability should never be confused with responsibility.
Reporter #9:
What about Hamas’s stated goal of destroying Israel?
Chairperson:
We do not comment on statements. We comment on outcomes. And the outcome we are most concerned about is Israel responding.
Reporter #10:
Why is Hamas disarmament never on the agenda?
Chairperson:
Because it is the elephant in the room.
Reporter #10:
So you see it?
Chairperson:
We see nothing.
Reporter #11:
Isn’t ignoring the elephant irresponsible?
Chairperson:
On the contrary. Ignoring the elephant allows us to continue holding meetings.
Reporter #16:
Who controls the narrative?
Chairperson:
The narrative controls us.
Reporter #17:
What role does media play?
Chairperson:
A sacred one. Reality is chaotic. Narrative is clean.
Reporter #18:
Is Qatar involved?
Chairperson:
Yes. Qatar has a front row seat. Thank God, sorry, Inshallah. Without Qatar’s expertise via Al Jazeera’s experience, reality might accidentally sneak in and reflect facts.
Reporter #19:
So what happens next?
Chairperson:
We rebuild. Hamas rearms. Israel responds. We condemn Israel. We reconvene.
Reporter #20:
Isn’t this insanity?
Chairperson:
Insanity, shminsanity. No. This is process. And to circle back to the antisemitism false allegation, I want to stress that I used a Yiddish expression at the start of this sentence.
Moderator:
Thank you. This concludes the press conference. A statement condemning Israel for future developments will be released shortly. Please exit through the gift shop, followed by the donor lounge. Underwear assistance is available for qualifying participants.
Final Scene, The Nobel Announcement
Moderator (returning to the podium):
Before we conclude, the Board of Piece would like to announce an internal decision reached unanimously, courageously, and without opposition, mainly because opposition would imply responsibility.
After careful consideration, the Board has decided to award itself a preemptive Nobel Peace Prize.
The justification is clear.
Despite repeated cycles of reconstruction, militarization, destruction, outrage, and denial,
despite consistently ignoring the elephant in the room,
despite producing no measurable peace, stability, or resolution,
the Board has kept hope alive.
Not peace.
Hope.
And hope, as defined by the Board, is the ability to repeat the same process indefinitely while insisting that next time will be different.
The Nobel citation will read:
“For outstanding commitment to dialogue, narrative management, and the strategic avoidance of causality, the Board of Piece is recognized for its tireless efforts to produce a colorful, hard piece."
The prize will be accepted on behalf of:
all those who issued statements instead of solutions,
all those who blamed outcomes without naming causes,
all those who confused process with progress.
Chairperson (closing remarks):
We thank the international community, social media, and our media partners for ensuring that truth remains absent, responsibility remains optional, and the elephant remains unseen.
Reconstruction planning begins tomorrow.
Condemnations have already been drafted.
Inshallah.
Curtain.