Today many if not most Jews, including observant Jews, have a relative or friend who self-identifies as LGBTQ. Quite a number of liberal Open Orthodox Rabbis (who misled the public when they falsely claimed the title 'Modern Orthodox' years ago in a New York Times article, but are distinctly outside the parameters of true Modern Orthodoxy which is halakhah-based and whose motto is Torah uMadda, Torah and secular studies) have publicly described such personal situations.
Many have accepted what this relative or friend told them and what the culture supports; i.e., that he or she was born gay and there is nothing to be done. A number of these clergy have subsequently spent the last couple of decades pushing the idea of acceptance, affirmation and embrace of the LGBTQ community. The result has been disastrous.
Hundreds, if not thousands of sincerely observant families have been ripped apart because their young adult children, influenced by a gay-celebrating culture, have adopted an LGBTQ lifestyle and these Rabbis are their cheerleaders and coaches. Some of the young adults who self-identify distance themselves from their families and some simply leave observant Judaism.
These Open Orthodox rabbis are also the cheerleaders and coaches for their parents and siblings, encouraging them to accept this terribly misguided understanding and undermining parents’ feelings and values. Some parents and siblings buy it. Many do not. They replay what they could have done differently and say endless tefilot and tehilim.
In the best cases for those parents who are not on board and want to keep a connection, there is significant dissonance as the adult child, having self-identified as LGBTQ, is closed to discussion. Some siblings try to protect their families and so they curtail or limit visits, Shabbat meals and attending celebrations together. Often the family becomes separated between those who support and those who don’t; all of which causes unending pain to the parents.
The approach of these Rabbis is to solve all of this with a big hug, but what seems compassionate is ultimately dehumanizing, as the adult child and family are told they are incapable of leading the observant Jewish life they want. One could give these Rabbis the benefit of the doubt as this approach of affirming and embracing is taught in many counseling schools. Yet it is critical to understand that their underlying assumptions are simply false:
1) People are born this way. Then there must be a test, right? Blood test? DNA? Brain shape? Chemical imbalance? The gay lobby has spent untold millions trying to find something, anything. But so far, they have found nothing. Then, on what basis does a person self-identify as gay? If gay is a personality trait or inclination such as anger, jealousy or extra-marital temptations, do we not help a person manage those proclivities? Doesn’t the Torah tell us we have free will? Do we not have the capacity for self-reflection and self-restraint? Isn’t the concept of free will basic to the Jewish belief system? Further, is a Jew’s core self-identity really their current sexual urge? Real compassion means helping a person with a challenge overcome that challenge.
2) Because people are born this way, societal or experiential influences are not a factor. How can that be when thirty percent of Gen Z women in the US are self-Identifying as LGBTQ with even higher percentages in the Ivy League colleges, compared to a fraction of that generations earlier? A recent Atra study of US Rabbinical school graduates looking at denominations from Reform to Open and Modern Orthodox, showed that an estimated 51% identify as LGBTQ, compared to the same study 10 to 20 years ago which showed 15% to 20% identified as LGBTQ. Isn’t that a strong indication of societal influence?
Today’s general culture welcomes, celebrates and elevates those who self-identify as gay. In addition to societal influences are personal influences. Counselors and therapists, such as Dr. Koby Frances, Counseling Advisor to jewishfamilyforever.org., will tell you that there are a whole host of personal life experiences such as lust triggers, social and emotional motives and anxiety issues that can easily send someone into the LGBTQ camp.
3) There’s nothing to do but hug and be inclusive because people know their fixed-for-life sexual preference and because counseling doesn’t work and can even be dangerous. A wonderful article which dispels this myth appeared in VINnews, “Rabbi Benny Lau, I’m Glad I Never Met You,” (by Yehuda Dov, October 2020) where a woman details her journey from lesbian to observant mother of several children. She concludes, “Rabbi Lau, you are legitimizing the impure, changing the principles of Judaism and allowing a person to simply claim that these are his tendencies. [To you,] there is no good or bad in the Torah, everything is according to modern-day considerations. I am the proof that you are wrong and you are misguiding the public.”
The Lubavitcher Rebbe (Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, zt”l) was crystal clear on this issue and obviously, so is Chabad. The Rebbe said in a letter written to someone inquiring about homosexuality, “if it were beyond human control, Hashem would not have made it a sin.” He used kleptomania as an illustrative example in discussing homosexuality. He said clearly, we don’t encourage kleptomania. “Everything should be done to help individuals overcome their problems whatever they may be.”
According to Dr. Koby Frances, who has been compassionately and successfully counseling same sex attracted patients who are seeking a traditional life for over fifteen years, societal and experiential influences are the factors. “There are many different factors in a person’s life that influence a young person to consider living a gay lifestyle including a welcoming and celebrating culture. But for those who want to explore a traditional Jewish lifestyle, often simple conversations can help uncover and provide needed clarity so they can seek they life they want."
"It is not about changing people or analyzing them. It is truly a matter of simple education in the science of attraction and relationships and providing reassurance. It also means undoing the many myths they might have seamlessly absorbed.”
The attitude to homosexuality is a slippery slope. In the Torah, the language on sexuality includes specific boundaries. It would follow that if the Torah demands the impossible of a person and is wrong about a person’s ability to manage their challenges and potentially enter into a traditional marriage because of a pre-programmed gay identity, then what else is the Bible wrong about? Therefore, the Hebrew Bible can’t be of divine origin and Judaism would be truly unbound.
Many counseling schools are still teaching what these rabbis are preaching, so finding a counselor that can help a person uncover and manage their challenges can take additional effort. But today there is fortunately a solid core group of Jewish observant counselors who align with Torah values and have excellent track records of helping people return to a Torah traditional lifestyle.
Thank God that a counter force is moving forward. Chabad is training their leadership with this approach. The World Mizrachi Movement recently shared a letter encouraging seminaries and yeshivas to teach these principles upfront and not to wait to address this issue until individuals come forward with their personal challenges. As Rabbinic Advisor to Jewish Family Forever, Rabbi Yitzchak Breitowitz, senior lecturer at Yeshivas Ohr Somayach and Rav of Kehillat Ohr Somayach in Jerusalem, notes, “the traditional family is Judaism’s bedrock. That’s why the first construction project in a new community is a mikveh.”
B”H observant Jews are beginning to uncover this falsehood and move towards the light of true understanding, and compassionately guiding young people to live the life that Hashem intends for them and the life they seek.
Yehezkel Schiff is President of Jewish Family Forever - jewishfamilyforever.org