“Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.”
These profound words were spoken by Winston Churchill, and they would appear to ring true at first glance. However, in practicality, we tend to rush to admonish others and be wary of rebuke to ourselves. A perceived failure in others elicits a storm of admonition, an almost bloodthirsty desire to point out how terrible the person truly is. And when it comes time for us to address a rebuke from a loved one or spiritual leader, are we willing to even listen to it, let alone accept it? Indeed, the notion of rebuke is not agreeable.
In this week’s Torah portion, an episode between Avraham (Abraham) and Avimelech helps shed light on the correct attitude we should have regarding rebuke.
The story begins with Avimelech’s initial address to Avraham (21:22):
“Now it came to pass at that time, that Abimelech and Phicol his general said to Abraham, saying, "God is with you in all that you do.”
Many commentaries explain that Avimelech’s impetus to meet with Avraham was due to the famous news of the birth of Yitzchak (Isaac) to Sarah. Avimelech saw the hand of God in this event, and was therefore drawn to Avraham.
He then requests what would appear to be as the formation of an alliance (ibid 23-24):
“And now, swear to me here by God, that you will not lie to me or to my son or to my grandson; according to the kindness that I have done with you, you shall do with me, and with the land wherein you have sojourned. And Avraham said, "I will swear."”
With Avraham’s acceding to Avimelech’s request, one would think matters would be settled. Yet Avraham responds with a rebuke (ibid 25):
“And Abraham admonished [vehochiach] Abimelech about the well of water that the servants of Abimelech had forcibly seized”
Avimelech responds to this accusation with a clear denial of the charges (ibid 26):
“And Abimelech said, "I do not know who did this thing, neither did you tell me, nor did I hear [of it] until today.”
The episode continues with a covenant between the two, and Avraham re-claiming the aforementioned well as his own (Be’er Sheva).
What stands out among these verses is the stinging rebuke given by Avraham to Avimelech. The Torah does not elaborate much about the specifics. The Sforno, though, offers a captivating angle as to what concerned Avraham (ibid 25):
“He rebuked him, as king, for the violent robbery committed without shame in his land, and also for keeping wicked men in his household, which is not the way of the righteous…”
Thus, the Sforno is presenting this rebuke as an attack on the moral compass of Avimelech. Why would Avraham do this? What are we to learn from this?
The Sages extract a general concept regarding rebuke from Avraham. We find in the Midrash (Bereishit Rabba 54:3) a debate concerning the importance of rebuke. According to R’ Yossi Bar Chaninah, one cannot have love (ahava) without rebuke, while according to Reish Lakish, peace (shalom) cannot exist without some instance of admonition. Both point to the episode of Avimelech and Avraham as the source for this idea.
One must raise a seemingly obvious question – is it indeed true that love or peace cannot be achieved without rebuke? When dating, should a couple engage in rebuke to ensure there is love? Should parties looking to make peace admonish each other prior to signing the treaty? How does one understand this formula?
Clearly, there is something deeper than an alliance taking place between Avraham and Avimelech. At the outset, we see Avimelech’s attraction to Avraham based on his belief that Avraham shared a unique relationship with God. The Rambam, in Hilchot Avoda Zara (1:1-2), describes in detail the process Avraham went through concerning his “discovery” of God. Avraham developed incredibly important ideas concerning God, and began teaching others about Him. The basis for this all came through his understanding of God as Creator.
Avimelech was quite aware of the teachings of Avraham, and understood that the God Avraham spoke of had a “bond” with him. When Avimelech approaches Avraham, Avraham sensed an important opportunity to expand on the idea of God to Avimelech. We see from the Seforno that Avraham was not driven to admonish Avimelech due to a land squabble. Rather, Avraham was interested in revealing to Avimelech a defect in his personality, to bring to light to him that belief in God is not just a belief in a Creator; man must live his life in line with His moral system.
Avraham admonishes Avimelech on two planes. In the first, he points out how there is a vacuum present in his moral leadership, where thievery is permitted. And on a personal level, he questions how Avimelech could tolerate co-existing with people whose value system was so corrupt. To believe in the true God is a challenge Avimelech was able to overcome; however, belief not followed with a proper life reflects a serious chasm in the relationship between man and God.
We see from the above how Avraham’s objective in rebuke was motivated by a desire to perfect Avimelech. The Midrash is then able to extrapolate a universal concept concerning rebuke. As noted above, there is a debate as to whether love or peace requires admonition. Rather than view these two opinions as being mutually exclusive, it would appear instead each one is focusing on a perspective regarding rebuke.
The love the Midrash speaks of is the ideal relationship between two people, where each is ultimately concerned with the other’s perfection. In such a relationship, the motivation for rebuke of the other is purely in line with this objective. The Midrash is not suggesting that there must be rebuke in order for there to be love; rather, the idea is that when the love of truth is the guide in any relationship, the desire to rebuke has the same character as that of Avraham’s rebuke of Avimelech.
The other opinion, though, sees the issue of admonition from the perspective of the receiver. Quite often, when a person’s weakness (whether it be in the area of Jewish Law or as a general personality trait) is pointed out, a defensive shield is put up. A person naturally does not want to hear that he or she is a defective person. Many insecurities emerge, leading to a shock to one’s sense of self. The peace referred to in this Midrash concerns the security (shalom is commonly used in this context) and lack of conflict one has in who he truly is. When a person actually sees himself for what he is, a human being with defects and foibles, he will accept the rebuke with pleasure. Any opportunity to raise one’s level of perfection is something only a person who is secure with who he is would welcome. When receiving admonition whose interest is in perfection, the response should be one of warm embrace rather than defensive skepticism.
We see from this that the Torah’s recording of the covenant between Avraham and Avimelech contained an important revelation into the greatness of Avraham. Avraham was solely motivated by the desire to teach others about the existence and greatness of God. When dealing with others, he always searched for an opportunity to sanctify the name of God, removing any personal ambition from his approach. As such, the Midrash is able to expand on this idea, demonstrating how as long as we are guided by a selfless desire for perfection and driven by love of God, rebuke can play a critical role in strengthening our relationship with God.
We must always be careful when we choose to admonish our fellow man, where our motivations are like those of Avraham. As well, we must be willing to accept that all of us are human, and our defects are a part of us. The objective of living in line with God’s will must be at the forefront, allowing the door for rebuke to be wide open.