Too often we hear the wrong parties blamed for people’s woes. As a young girl growing up in a dysfunctional household, I heard my mom blame my dad for all her problems. Not having the maturity as a young child to discern adult issues, I believed her – I was convinced that all her problems could be traced straight to my dad.
As a young person, beginning to see things with adult perspective, I began to wonder what it was he had done that was so terrible that it elicited the often uninterrupted stream of verbal abuse and thrown dishes. She lobbed insults in both English and Italian, and tossed dishes and glasses with such regularity that I became an expert at cleaning up broken glass.
But the one element missing from all of her harangues was the element of fact. Oh, there were minor incidents she often repeated – a slight here, a thoughtlessness there – but actual, fact-based events were scarce in the constant flow of her tirades.
My mother’s near-constant rage, fueled by a prescription drug addiction and unresolved emotional pain and conflict, gradually directed itself at others. Both I and some of my aunts who tried to help her, became targets, as well. Eventually, my mother had alienated just about everyone who knew her.
As the years passed, thankfully my mom did get help, and healing began to take root in our relationship. Both she and my dad are now passed on, at peace.
But the lessons these experiences taught me about life and human relationships have helped me distinguish between the one who hurls the blame (and the dishes) and the true victim.
Often, blame and belligerence originate hand-in-hand from the same source. The belligerent one says, “I’m the victim, it’s his fault!” The belligerent one points the finger of blame and hurls accusations, but they are often not backed up by facts. The belligerent one creates drama, complains loudly, seeks sympathizers, and rallies people to her side of the issue. She initiates conversations about her “situation” in order to have an excuse to ridicule the one she blames for her trouble.
If the belligerent one is a group, rather than an individual, they may utilize the media or international organizations to appeal for sympathy, money, legal action, or even for sanctions or worse against the ones they accuse of being the aggressor.
As people who have awakened to the fact that we were raised in a culture saturated with lies – religious lies, family lies, historical lies, and more – my husband and I, as well as others, have learned that to see clearly what is really going on and who is really to blame, we must first admit that we were indeed lied to, and that we ourselves not only believed the lies, but perpetuated them as well.
Some of the most widely-held religious beliefs in the world include within them the concept of victimhood. Just as the drug addict in a family dramatizes his emotional pain to whoever will listen, and portrays him-or-herself as the perpetual victim of the people and circumstances in his life, so the adherents to centuries-old religious lies will perpetuate to each succeeding generation the lie that they are the victims in every situation. They will blame “the other”, rather than take the seemingly impossible step of looking inward at themselves, or outward to their current leaders, or backward to previous generations, in order to ascertain who really is to blame for their suffering, and thereby begin to correct the actual conditions which have led to their suffering.
The same evil that fuels heinous atrocities such as the recent murders at the synagogue in Har Nof, is still out there.
But if they would look closely and investigate thoroughly, they could uncover the actual facts. An honest investigation, not slanted by political rivalries, monetary motives or world agendas, may reveal that the most belligerent one in the conflict is really the one who is to blame. Sometimes the courage and resources that it requires to make such an investigation are hard to come by. Sometimes, one who undertakes to find out the truth puts his life in danger.
The same evil that fuels heinous atrocities such as the recent murders at the synagogue in Har Nof, is still out there, threatening people around the world who either disagree with its views or who happen to be “the other”. Unfortunately, as individuals and governments follow the practice of placating the belligerent, this type of evil has only spread and become more aggressive.
Just like the drug addict in a family, who eventually swallows up the lives and resources of those who surround and try to help him, the belligerent forces on the global scene are beginning to spin out of control. Unless the civilized governments of the world stand up to this belligerence, rather than continue to placate it, they themselves will eventually be brought down by it.
Not only will individuals have to fear for their safety and that of their families, simply going about their daily routine, praying, studying, hiking, driving, or eating in a restaurant – but the disorder, anarchy and chaos that these heinous acts of terror will bring down upon society could become the open wound of civilization that drains its resources like a bottomless pit.
It is not too late to turn this situation around. But there must be a concerted effort to recognize the true source of the conflict. As long as governments, organizations and individuals placate the belligerent, usually for the sake of their economies, it is the belligerent who will grow in power, and we who would live a life of tranquility will have to post a sentry at every doorway and grow eyes in the backs of our heads.