Raising Children is by far the most difficult and challenging job there is. The Torah offers many insights and advice to help us in this task. The advice, while sometimes open and clear, is often hidden in the circumstances and context of the text, and our sages help us to interpret the Torah’s messages.
From various verses in the Torah, our Sages offer four prototypes of our children, as stated in the Haggadah text. While we must learn how to raise and effectively teach each of the other sons, only the “wicked son” gives us so much angst and concern. What can we do to prevent our son from turning off the right path? If, despite our best efforts, our son has nevertheless gone astray, how do we react? These are among the questions our sages and rabbis tackle in this week’s parsha. Here we have not only the response the Torah and Haggadah instruct us to give to the wicked son, but also the gratefulness of the Israelites at hearing this prophecy:
When your children say to you, “What is this service to you,” you shall say, “It is a pesach feast offering to Hashem Who has passed over the houses of the Children of Israel in Egypt when He smote the Egyptians, but He saved our households,” and the people bowed their heads and prostrated themselves.
Our first concern, though, is why this son is called wicked. Surely his words seem similar to the questions of the other sons.
Rabbi Goldwicht, among others, tackles this question in Asufat Maarachot. His first observation is that the other children ask while this son says. That implies a tone other than the thirst for knowledge. Further, the other sons ask you individually, “your son.” Here a whole group is coming, “your sons”, en masse, and our sages conclude that the evil son doesn’t want to know, but wants an audience to impress and influence. Therefore, continues Rabbi Goldwicht, you do not answer him directly but address his entourage to curtail his influence, much as firemen would hose down the areas adjacent to an already blazing fire to contain the damage that has already occurred and prevent it from spreading.
The Haggadah Maayan Hamoed explains that the response the Torah is giving us, and the expansion of that response by the compilers of the Haggadah is the reason Bnei Yisroel prostrated themselves in gratitude. Certainly no one wants an evil son, but at least now we have the tools to deal with the situation.
Perhaps, opines the Yalkut Lekach Tov, this son is trying to impress his parents with his assumed piety, as Esau did so many generations ago. This son was not present during the exodus itself; this is a prophecy for the future. During the exodus, he would have seen the immediate need for obeying this command. But now, generations later, he asks, what is the relevance of this commandment? Why bother keeping it when there is no longer idol worship and God does not need to pass over our houses again?
To this, the TaamVodaat HaHaggadah replies that we do not know the true reason behind any of the mitzvoth. While we may rationalize and try to understand the mitzvoth, even those we think we understand are actually chukim, laws beyond human understanding. Each law, then, remains universal and eternal, irrespective of the current circumstances. The Bet Halevi offers further proof of this Truth. Our forefathers kept Pesach before the exodus, as Avraham baked matzo cakes for his angels/guests.
Rabbi Frand continues to explain why this son is called a rasha, wicked. The other sons ask the next day, machar, while this son asks now. In other words, explains Rabbi Frand, the other sons understand the primacy of observance over understanding, much as Bnei Yisroel at Mount Sinai said “We will do” before “We will hear.” This son wants to hold off observing the mitzvah until he hears the reason. In this context, his question is really an excuse for not doing rather than a real question to know. He asks with an audience to validate his way of thinking.
Nevertheless, points out Vayovenu Bamikra, the rasha has come and is sitting at our Seder table. There is still a connection, and we want him to do teshuvah. Now we have the Torah to show us the way, reminds us the Belzer Rebbe, and for that we are grateful.
The Lekach Vehalebuv cites from the Belzer Rebbe a beautiful interpretation to this passage in the Haggadah. Before using the actual verse from the Torah in our response to the rasha, the Haggadah instructs us “hakheh es shinov – blunt (knock out) his teeth, his shins.” They examine the three letters comprising the word ra-sh-a. Indeed the first and last letters together are ra, evil. But in the very center is the shin, a letter comprised of three connected vertical lines. These three lines, assert our commentators, represent the three patriarchs, embedded deep within every Jewish soul. Our task is to shake that center loose and bring it again to the forefront. Our task is never to lose hope on any of our children, for each still has holiness embedded within him. As the Kemotzei Shallal Rav cites the Bnei Yissasschar, there must exist a spark of holiness within him or he would not have been redeemed. If we cannot see it now, perhaps we will see it from his children, and for this we need to be grateful.
Drash Dovid brings an additional element to this discussion. While it is true that the wicked son’s purpose is to mock the believers, we must explain to him that we were redeemed because of our willingness to accept the yoke of heaven in spite of great hardship and self sacrifice. The blood on our doorposts was the blood of the Pascal lamb, the slaughtered god of the Egyptians, mixed with the blood of the circumcision our males needed to perform on their bodies prior to being able to partake of the Pascal sacrifice. These “bloods” we presented to God as witness of our submission to His will, as our willingness to bear the yoke of Heaven, and this gave Hashem the conduit he sought to bring about our redemption.
This willingness to submit to Hashem’s will throughout the generations is what makes us special. Perhaps we have personal experiences with Divine providence and Divine intervention in small and big things that we can bring to our discussion with the evil son. Hopefully, we can convince the rasha, that he too is part of this holy legacy, that he too is special. Only if he still refuses to become a servant of Hashem do we push him away as a means of damage control.
We have to be grateful, though, says the Meged Yosef, that this son is still asking, questioning, even if it is mockingly. A question shows that he is still involved, perhaps even angry. Any feeling is better than none, for apathy bears no response. For this too Bnei Yisroel were grateful.
As Rabbi Freeman notes in Shaarei Derech, knowledge begins with a question, and Hashem will respond to the question as he responded to Moshe at the burning bush. Only after Moshe wondered why the bush was not being consumed did Hashem appear to him.
But the better question is one that is actually a desire for knowledge and not an excuse for failure, teaches Rabbi Friefeld. We have many opportunities to learn and to do good. What we lack is the will to work and to follow through. Therefore we make excuses and ensure failure in our endeavors. When the will is strong enough, Hashem will help us achieve our goals against all odds. We must believe that if we do our part, He will do His.
If we have done our best as parents and, God forbid, we still find that one of our children has gone astray, we must accept the reality that Hashem has put before us. Bnei Yisroel prostrated themselves in acceptance of this possibility as well, grateful that while we do our part, we know that ultimately He is in control. As the Tiv Hamoadim explains, even Yitzchak Avinu had a son an Esau.
So we take the different words of the Torah and use them in response to all our children. We take pride in our wise ones, teach our simple ones, open up our silent ones, and hold our difficult ones close, show them their specialness, and pray that with Hashem’s help we can return them to the proper path and include them again in the family of Bnei Israel.
Summary by Channie Koplowitz Stein