Punishment is a vital part of educating and raising a teenager – and if given correctly can teach him the consequences of his actions.
When teenagers are punished for their actions without being spoken to properly about how and why their actions were wrong, they have learned nothing. Sitting down and discussing what was done and how it was wrong can have a much stronger impact, and sometimes eliminate the need for punishment all together.
When punishing a teenager there are certain essential factors to keep in mind:
· Punishment must come from the HEART. You are punishing the teenager to help him and not for any other reason. Before punishing, you must make sure that what you are doing is not out of anger, hurt or frustration. As a teenager, I can tell you that we know the difference. We can sense whether a punishment is given for us to grow or is just being dished out because you don’t approve of what we have done.
When I was in 7th grade, I had a principal who truly loved and cared for his students - so much so that it actually hurt him to punish us. When we did something wrong he would call us into his office and very sincerely tell us, "I know I have an issue that it hurts me to punish. So I'm going to tell you that what you did is wrong, and I'll let you off the hook". The strange thing was that when a similar situation arose we made sure to do the right thing.
(Disclaimer: I'm not saying that if you tell a teenager what he did was wrong and then let him go unpunished he won't do it in the future. The point that I am making is that when you punish, it must come from the heart.)
· Punishment is for the FUTURE - not the past. Do not try and “get back” at what a teenager has done by punishing him. The punishment should be to prevent future recurrences and to teach a lesson that what was done is improper and should not happen again.
· Another issue that arises with punishment is that many times the punishment has no relevance to the “crime” committed. This type of punishing doesn't teach that what was done is wrong. It just makes the recipient angry and resentful.
In Torah all punishments are mida k’neged mida, measure for measure. Punishments must be relevant and appropriate to the situation.
(Disclaimer: There are times when a punishment must be given even if there is no clear connection to what was done. There is still a point to the punishing simply because something wrong was done, and the teenager must pay the consequences. But it is important to remember that this type of punishing must be done very carefully and in moderation.)
So remember, especially those of you who are educators, the next time you MUST punish a teenager please weigh your actions, and do it with care.