Each weekday morning during Elul, the shofar sounds. It calls to us l'hishtaper, to improve ourselves, particularly in our relationships with others. Where should we start? With our families, of course. That is the best "testing ground" for the Elul Syndrome, a.k.a. Ani L'dodi V'dodi Li.
The Torah is our primary source for family values. Let's examine two subjects in this week's parsha. First, we have the strange case of the Ben Sorer U'moreh, the incorrigible, rebellious son, who is ultimately sentenced to be executed. The Gemara in Sanhedrin tells us this case never did occur, nor will it ever, because the conditions for capital punishment are (purposely) too difficult to attain. So why even state it? To teach us certain key ideas.
The parents say the child "does not listen to our voices." From here, the rabbis learn that mother and father must speak in one voice only; they must unify their moral approach, so that the child does not receive "mixed messages." The parents also say, "This one, our son," implying that they both can see their child. We, too, must learn to see our children clearly - for what they are, not what we imagine them to be. Each is an individual, unlike any other, and must be treated as a unique creation.
Finally, chazal say the parents must not have any major "defects" of any kind. This implies that we, as parents, must first perfect our own behavior in word and deed, so that we can serve as appropriate role models to our young. Kids have an uncanny ability to sense the intrinsic nature of their parents, and will react accordingly to it.
In another chapter of our sedra, we learn that a new groom is exempt from (optional) war during his first year of marriage so that, "he can gladden his wife." The Targum interprets the phrase, "V'simach et ishto" to mean, "he shall be happy with his wife."
But Rashi objects: he says that a groom's only responsibility is to make his wife happy, not himself. That sounds harsh, but don't miss the point here: true happiness comes when we make others happy, not just ourselves. If a man begins his marriage by understanding that his primary goal is to make his wife happy, then he will ultimately achieve real happiness for himself, as well.
It's Elul. Let's try to love our children and our spouses just a little bit more this month. As Elul implies, the more we give, the more we gain.
The Torah is our primary source for family values. Let's examine two subjects in this week's parsha. First, we have the strange case of the Ben Sorer U'moreh, the incorrigible, rebellious son, who is ultimately sentenced to be executed. The Gemara in Sanhedrin tells us this case never did occur, nor will it ever, because the conditions for capital punishment are (purposely) too difficult to attain. So why even state it? To teach us certain key ideas.
The parents say the child "does not listen to our voices." From here, the rabbis learn that mother and father must speak in one voice only; they must unify their moral approach, so that the child does not receive "mixed messages." The parents also say, "This one, our son," implying that they both can see their child. We, too, must learn to see our children clearly - for what they are, not what we imagine them to be. Each is an individual, unlike any other, and must be treated as a unique creation.
Finally, chazal say the parents must not have any major "defects" of any kind. This implies that we, as parents, must first perfect our own behavior in word and deed, so that we can serve as appropriate role models to our young. Kids have an uncanny ability to sense the intrinsic nature of their parents, and will react accordingly to it.
In another chapter of our sedra, we learn that a new groom is exempt from (optional) war during his first year of marriage so that, "he can gladden his wife." The Targum interprets the phrase, "V'simach et ishto" to mean, "he shall be happy with his wife."
But Rashi objects: he says that a groom's only responsibility is to make his wife happy, not himself. That sounds harsh, but don't miss the point here: true happiness comes when we make others happy, not just ourselves. If a man begins his marriage by understanding that his primary goal is to make his wife happy, then he will ultimately achieve real happiness for himself, as well.
It's Elul. Let's try to love our children and our spouses just a little bit more this month. As Elul implies, the more we give, the more we gain.