"With righteousness shall you judge your friend".
There are mitzvos which require that we plant seeds of love, such as the mitzvah, "Love your neighbor as yourself" . There are other mitzvos, however, which require that we first remove the weeds of hatred which prevent the seeds of love from growing.
For example, before mentioning the mitzvah to "Love your neighbor as yourself", the Torah states, "With righteousness shall you judge your friend" . According to our sages, this verse is not just referring to the judge in the courtroom; it also is referring to each individual when he decides to judge his friend in the courtroom of his mind. The verse is therefore teaching us, "You shall judge your friend on the scale of merit" (Rashi).
This means that if your friend said or did something that seems to be questionable, but it is possible to interpret what he said or did in a positive way, then give him the benefit of the doubt. The following story can serve as an example:
I am very close to a young man whom I have helped and guided over the years. He always asks me if there is anything he can do for me. I do not have a car, and due to certain health problems, I rarely leave my neighborhood. My young friend has a car, and I asked him if he could pick up for me a large quantity of organic rice pasta at a store which was not in my neighborhood. I told him that I needed this pasta for health reasons, and that the store would give me a reduction in price if I bought a large amount.
He promised to pick up the pasta for me; however, a few weeks went by, and he had not appeared. I even reminded him by phone, but nothing happened. I was starting to feel annoyed, but I then remembered that there is a mitzvah to give a friend the benefit of the doubt. I reminded myself that he has been a good friend, and perhaps there is some reason why he has not yet been able to do me this favor.
Shortly after I removed the resentment from my heart, he called me and told me that he was going to the store. He apologized for the delay, and he explained that in the last few weeks, his boss had asked him to work a double-shift; thus, he was busy day and night. And he indeed fulfilled his promise. Yes, it would have been better had he told me right away about his job difficulties, but we need to remember that our friends do not always tell us everything that is going on in their lives.
Rebbitzen Yehudis Samet is a resident of Jerusalem who has devoted much of her life to teaching people about the mitzvah to judge others favorably; in fact, she has written a fascinating book on this subject, entitled "The Other Side of the Story" (ArtScroll). In this work, she provides us with teachings, stories, and practical strategies which can help us to give others the benefit of the doubt in situations which seem questionable.
She has carefully studied this issue, and she cites the sources for her ideas and conclusions. In this work, she points out that we are not obligated to give "everyone" the benefit of the doubt, for Rashi explained the mitzvah to mean, "Judge your friend on the scale of merit". She writes:
"A friend is a person we know, someone whose behavior is familiar to us because we deal with him all the time, such as a family member, a neighbor, or a fellow worker. We are required to give our friends the justice due them by evaluating any questionable action or statement in light of their usual behavior".
She adds that in cases where it would be very difficult to find a positive interpretation, one is not "obligated" to do so, but it is meritorious to do so. This is known as "midas chassidus" -- going beyond what we are required due to our love for the Creator and His creation.
If, however, this person is known to us to be a virtuous, God-revering person, because we have witnessed his consistently exemplary behavior, then even when it would be very difficult to find a positive interpretation, we are obligated to do so. Given his outstanding record, it is only just to give him the benefit of the doubt. But what if it can be proven that this righteous person did transgress? In such a situation, we should think that it was unintentional, accidental, or a mistake which he surely regretted and will strive not to repeat. As Rebbitzen Samet explains, "Because of his consistent proper behavior, logic and justice give him this 'right' to be so judged".
What if a friend has an ongoing record of improper behavior in this particular area? Rebbitzen Samet cites sources which indicate that we are not obligated to give such a person the benefit of the doubt and assume that he is innocent. There is no point in giving him the benefit of the doubt, for he has disqualified himself because of his continual discreditable behavior. He is not deserving of favorable judgment in that area.
Nevertheless, Jewish tradition encourages us to find ways in which our evaluation of such a person can be honest, but not harsh. For example, we should say to ourselves: "Perhaps the individual did not have proper guidance, or perhaps the person is really trying to overcome a certain vice, but due to certain life-challenges, he has many setbacks".
In this spirit, the sage, Hillel, taught, "Do not judge your friend until you have reached his place" . As Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch explains, we may not know the circumstances of the other person and what temptations led him astray; thus, we don't know how we would act under the same circumstances.
What if the person is a stranger? Do we give such a person the benefit of the doubt in a questionable situation? An answer can be found in the following teaching of Rabbi Yehoshua ben Perachya: "Judge every human being on the scale of merit" .
Maimonides, in his commentary on this Mishneh, explains that Rabbi Yehoshua is referring to someone whom you do not know if he is righteous or wicked. Maimonides states that although one is not obligated to give such a stranger the benefit of the doubt, it is meritorious to do so -- a midas chassidus. This is an inspiring teaching which encourages us to have a positive attitude towards strangers; nevertheless, our sages also encourage us to take normal precautions with strangers, in order to protect ourselves from the possibility of being harmed or cheated. In general, our approach to others should be warm and respectful, but not naive. We shall elaborate on this idea in a future letter.
The Creator gave us a mitzvah to judge our friends favorably in situations which seem questionable; however, as Rebbitzen Samet points out, we are not held accountable for the negative thoughts that may initially enter our mind. Only when we allow these thoughts to linger are we held accountable (Anaf Yosef). Negative thoughts about others may enter our minds without an invitation, but we don't have to encourage them to stay!
The Sefer Ha-Chinuch is a classical work on the Torah's mitzvos, and it states that a major purpose of the mitzvah to judge others favorably is to create shalom among people (Mitzvah 235). It is a mitzvah which strengthens our relationships, and through fulfilling this mitzvah, we take another step on the journey to unity.
There are mitzvos which require that we plant seeds of love, such as the mitzvah, "Love your neighbor as yourself" . There are other mitzvos, however, which require that we first remove the weeds of hatred which prevent the seeds of love from growing.
For example, before mentioning the mitzvah to "Love your neighbor as yourself", the Torah states, "With righteousness shall you judge your friend" . According to our sages, this verse is not just referring to the judge in the courtroom; it also is referring to each individual when he decides to judge his friend in the courtroom of his mind. The verse is therefore teaching us, "You shall judge your friend on the scale of merit" (Rashi).
This means that if your friend said or did something that seems to be questionable, but it is possible to interpret what he said or did in a positive way, then give him the benefit of the doubt. The following story can serve as an example:
I am very close to a young man whom I have helped and guided over the years. He always asks me if there is anything he can do for me. I do not have a car, and due to certain health problems, I rarely leave my neighborhood. My young friend has a car, and I asked him if he could pick up for me a large quantity of organic rice pasta at a store which was not in my neighborhood. I told him that I needed this pasta for health reasons, and that the store would give me a reduction in price if I bought a large amount.
He promised to pick up the pasta for me; however, a few weeks went by, and he had not appeared. I even reminded him by phone, but nothing happened. I was starting to feel annoyed, but I then remembered that there is a mitzvah to give a friend the benefit of the doubt. I reminded myself that he has been a good friend, and perhaps there is some reason why he has not yet been able to do me this favor.
Shortly after I removed the resentment from my heart, he called me and told me that he was going to the store. He apologized for the delay, and he explained that in the last few weeks, his boss had asked him to work a double-shift; thus, he was busy day and night. And he indeed fulfilled his promise. Yes, it would have been better had he told me right away about his job difficulties, but we need to remember that our friends do not always tell us everything that is going on in their lives.
Rebbitzen Yehudis Samet is a resident of Jerusalem who has devoted much of her life to teaching people about the mitzvah to judge others favorably; in fact, she has written a fascinating book on this subject, entitled "The Other Side of the Story" (ArtScroll). In this work, she provides us with teachings, stories, and practical strategies which can help us to give others the benefit of the doubt in situations which seem questionable.
She has carefully studied this issue, and she cites the sources for her ideas and conclusions. In this work, she points out that we are not obligated to give "everyone" the benefit of the doubt, for Rashi explained the mitzvah to mean, "Judge your friend on the scale of merit". She writes:
"A friend is a person we know, someone whose behavior is familiar to us because we deal with him all the time, such as a family member, a neighbor, or a fellow worker. We are required to give our friends the justice due them by evaluating any questionable action or statement in light of their usual behavior".
She adds that in cases where it would be very difficult to find a positive interpretation, one is not "obligated" to do so, but it is meritorious to do so. This is known as "midas chassidus" -- going beyond what we are required due to our love for the Creator and His creation.
If, however, this person is known to us to be a virtuous, God-revering person, because we have witnessed his consistently exemplary behavior, then even when it would be very difficult to find a positive interpretation, we are obligated to do so. Given his outstanding record, it is only just to give him the benefit of the doubt. But what if it can be proven that this righteous person did transgress? In such a situation, we should think that it was unintentional, accidental, or a mistake which he surely regretted and will strive not to repeat. As Rebbitzen Samet explains, "Because of his consistent proper behavior, logic and justice give him this 'right' to be so judged".
What if a friend has an ongoing record of improper behavior in this particular area? Rebbitzen Samet cites sources which indicate that we are not obligated to give such a person the benefit of the doubt and assume that he is innocent. There is no point in giving him the benefit of the doubt, for he has disqualified himself because of his continual discreditable behavior. He is not deserving of favorable judgment in that area.
Nevertheless, Jewish tradition encourages us to find ways in which our evaluation of such a person can be honest, but not harsh. For example, we should say to ourselves: "Perhaps the individual did not have proper guidance, or perhaps the person is really trying to overcome a certain vice, but due to certain life-challenges, he has many setbacks".
In this spirit, the sage, Hillel, taught, "Do not judge your friend until you have reached his place" . As Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch explains, we may not know the circumstances of the other person and what temptations led him astray; thus, we don't know how we would act under the same circumstances.
What if the person is a stranger? Do we give such a person the benefit of the doubt in a questionable situation? An answer can be found in the following teaching of Rabbi Yehoshua ben Perachya: "Judge every human being on the scale of merit" .
Maimonides, in his commentary on this Mishneh, explains that Rabbi Yehoshua is referring to someone whom you do not know if he is righteous or wicked. Maimonides states that although one is not obligated to give such a stranger the benefit of the doubt, it is meritorious to do so -- a midas chassidus. This is an inspiring teaching which encourages us to have a positive attitude towards strangers; nevertheless, our sages also encourage us to take normal precautions with strangers, in order to protect ourselves from the possibility of being harmed or cheated. In general, our approach to others should be warm and respectful, but not naive. We shall elaborate on this idea in a future letter.
The Creator gave us a mitzvah to judge our friends favorably in situations which seem questionable; however, as Rebbitzen Samet points out, we are not held accountable for the negative thoughts that may initially enter our mind. Only when we allow these thoughts to linger are we held accountable (Anaf Yosef). Negative thoughts about others may enter our minds without an invitation, but we don't have to encourage them to stay!
The Sefer Ha-Chinuch is a classical work on the Torah's mitzvos, and it states that a major purpose of the mitzvah to judge others favorably is to create shalom among people (Mitzvah 235). It is a mitzvah which strengthens our relationships, and through fulfilling this mitzvah, we take another step on the journey to unity.