Over the years I've written a thousand e-mails. But half of them never got out, thanks to my wife who said, "Are you kidding? This can't go." Or she'd say, "I'd sleep on this if I were you," and, being the perfect husband, I would do just that, and the next morning - Whoa! Good thing I hit AOL's "unsend" button just in time.
But just for the heck of it, like cleaning out the attic, here's a collection of those e-mails that never left my computer, written over the years and arranged in no particular order.
-----------
Hi Melanie:
Sorry it got out of hand. Men and women shouldn't talk politics. Perhaps men and women shouldn't talk, period.
-----------
Dear Prime Minister Sharon:
You're kidding, right?
-----------
Dear President Bush:
Iraq, okay. Got that. But didn't you forget something? Like Saudi Arabia?
-----------
Attention Coach Paul Matthews:
Thanks for taking my son out of the game in the middle of his no-hitter? and replacing him with YOUR son, who promptly gave up six runs. The fact that you're also my son's fifth grade teacher doesn't prevent me from telling you that you're a first-rate idiot.
-----------
To Peter Jennings of ABC News and your friend Hanan Ashrawi:
I know what you did last summer.
-----------
To John Kerry:
Good, you're running for president. But what country do you have in mind?
-----------
To Ann Coulter:
Just say the word and I'm yours. My wife will understand.
-----------
To Peggy Noonan:
Just say the word and I'm yours. My wife will understand.
-----------
To Laura Ingraham:
Just say the word and I'm yours. My wife will understand.
-----------
To Ann Coulter, Peggy Noonan and Laura Ingraham:
Sorry, my wife doesn't understand. Can we still be friends?
-----------
To Yonatan Bassi:
In your heart you know Nadia is right.
-----------
To Ms. Stella Mellon:
So you gave my daughter a B-minus because she used the same word twice in a single sentence. Have you ever heard of Gertrude Stein, Ernest Hemingway and all the rest? Have you ever read a book? How about "To be or not to be?" There, two words, same sentence, and Shakespeare, for crying out loud! Actually, FOUR words same sentence. Where do they find people like you, Ms. Mellon? Let me put it to you this way: Rose is a rose is a rose, and you're a loser three times over.
-----------
Hi Melanie:
Me again. Hey, I meant it when I said that women don't belong in combat. But sorry I used the word "girls" instead. Listen, I support feminism just like the next guy. Really, I do. Let's remain friends.
-----------
To The Democratic Party:
Does it make me a bigot to say that Al Sharpton is a disgrace? He should continue to be a spokesman for your party, but from behind bars! Remember what he did?
-----------
To Prime Minister Sharon:
So that's the deal, huh? You keep losing votes but you won't stop until you've cloned every legislator to be exactly like you. Trust me, one of you is plenty.
-----------
To Shimon Peres:
Talk about incitement! You're one of those people who gave the Arabs 100,000 guns, which they turned on your own people. What's that?
-----------
To Yossi Beilin:
About Oslo: Do you ever get up in the middle of the night in a sweat and yell, "My gawd, what have I done!" (Ditto Peres and company)?
-----------
To A.B. Yehoshua, David Grossman and Amos Oz:
POST-Zionism, you say? Because your Arab-terrorist buddies have been on the warpath since Day One, plain old Zionism still hasn't been given a chance to breathe. What POST are you talking about?
-----------
Hello Daniel Barenboim:
They do love it in Ramallah when you play Wagner, don't they! What's the tune for - and I'm spelling this phonetically - Arbeit Macht Das Leiben Zees?
-----------
To Dennis Ross:
Shut up already!
-----------
To Marc Ginsburg:
I've been listening to you talk about the Middle East conflict as an "expert" and am wondering, were you the ambassador TO Morocco or FROM Morocco?
-----------
To Kofi Annan:
So that's how delegates get rich quick!
-----------
To Al Franken:
Not funny.
-----------
To Bill Maher:
Politically incorrect? You're about as politically CORRECT as they come, and please, when you say something nasty against conservatives, as you usually do, please don't give me that, "Oh, you can't touch me, I'm only a COMEDIAN" routine. That's cheap, Bill, and it's cheating.
-----------
To Jon Stewart:
How many writers does it take to screw in a light bulb and write your usually leftist gags? I counted 20 when you all got up to collect your EMMYS.
-----------
To Anne Rice:
I have never read you cause I don't go in for all that vampire business. But I support you in lashing back at your readers who dissed your latest. They really don't understand us, do they, Anne? I've gotten some crazy e-mails myself from my books and columns. Readers want you to keep repeating yourself. I keep being asked to write "another" Indecent Proposal. It confuses the hell out of them when you set yourself free. Let's face it, Anne, we're in a lonely business. We should get together. But no vampires, please. There's real ones out there, you know.
-----------
To Ms. A. Dwerling:
I got your name from the concierge. If you had asked me to put out my pipe nicely, there would have been no scene. Insulting someone in public is a form of murder, yes it is. No, I did not see the "Smoking Not Permitted" sign. My fault. But there should also be signs (all over the world actually) that say, "Murder Not Permitted."
-----------
To Tom Friedman of the New York Times:
I know what you and Peter Jennings and Hanan Ashrawi and Noam Chomsky and Norman Finkelstein did last summer.
-----------
To Anthony Lewis, formerly of the New York Times:
You've retired? Amazing how many America-snarling and Israel-bashing pundits have come along to replace you. Is there no end?
-----------
To the book editor who turned down my novel because it is too pro-Israel, pro-American and anti-Muslim:
You said you loved the writing but the theme was too hot to handle. Next time I'll submit Protocols. Safe enough for you, jerk?
-----------
Hi Melanie:
Yes, you're a terrific publicist. You're wrong, though, saying I'm an introvert and a recluse. I just don't like people.
-----------
To You-Know-Who in Hollywood:
Let's get it straight. Conservatives didn't do 9/11 and kill 3,000 Americans mostly in New York. Arabs did that. When is THAT movie coming out? Let's do lunch.
-----------
That's it for now, friends. But there's probably more in my "saved" attic. Complaints? See Anne Rice.
But just for the heck of it, like cleaning out the attic, here's a collection of those e-mails that never left my computer, written over the years and arranged in no particular order.
-----------
Hi Melanie:
Sorry it got out of hand. Men and women shouldn't talk politics. Perhaps men and women shouldn't talk, period.
-----------
Dear Prime Minister Sharon:
You're kidding, right?
-----------
Dear President Bush:
Iraq, okay. Got that. But didn't you forget something? Like Saudi Arabia?
-----------
Attention Coach Paul Matthews:
Thanks for taking my son out of the game in the middle of his no-hitter? and replacing him with YOUR son, who promptly gave up six runs. The fact that you're also my son's fifth grade teacher doesn't prevent me from telling you that you're a first-rate idiot.
-----------
To Peter Jennings of ABC News and your friend Hanan Ashrawi:
I know what you did last summer.
-----------
To John Kerry:
Good, you're running for president. But what country do you have in mind?
-----------
To Ann Coulter:
Just say the word and I'm yours. My wife will understand.
-----------
To Peggy Noonan:
Just say the word and I'm yours. My wife will understand.
-----------
To Laura Ingraham:
Just say the word and I'm yours. My wife will understand.
-----------
To Ann Coulter, Peggy Noonan and Laura Ingraham:
Sorry, my wife doesn't understand. Can we still be friends?
-----------
To Yonatan Bassi:
In your heart you know Nadia is right.
-----------
To Ms. Stella Mellon:
So you gave my daughter a B-minus because she used the same word twice in a single sentence. Have you ever heard of Gertrude Stein, Ernest Hemingway and all the rest? Have you ever read a book? How about "To be or not to be?" There, two words, same sentence, and Shakespeare, for crying out loud! Actually, FOUR words same sentence. Where do they find people like you, Ms. Mellon? Let me put it to you this way: Rose is a rose is a rose, and you're a loser three times over.
-----------
Hi Melanie:
Me again. Hey, I meant it when I said that women don't belong in combat. But sorry I used the word "girls" instead. Listen, I support feminism just like the next guy. Really, I do. Let's remain friends.
-----------
To The Democratic Party:
Does it make me a bigot to say that Al Sharpton is a disgrace? He should continue to be a spokesman for your party, but from behind bars! Remember what he did?
-----------
To Prime Minister Sharon:
So that's the deal, huh? You keep losing votes but you won't stop until you've cloned every legislator to be exactly like you. Trust me, one of you is plenty.
-----------
To Shimon Peres:
Talk about incitement! You're one of those people who gave the Arabs 100,000 guns, which they turned on your own people. What's that?
-----------
To Yossi Beilin:
About Oslo: Do you ever get up in the middle of the night in a sweat and yell, "My gawd, what have I done!" (Ditto Peres and company)?
-----------
To A.B. Yehoshua, David Grossman and Amos Oz:
POST-Zionism, you say? Because your Arab-terrorist buddies have been on the warpath since Day One, plain old Zionism still hasn't been given a chance to breathe. What POST are you talking about?
-----------
Hello Daniel Barenboim:
They do love it in Ramallah when you play Wagner, don't they! What's the tune for - and I'm spelling this phonetically - Arbeit Macht Das Leiben Zees?
-----------
To Dennis Ross:
Shut up already!
-----------
To Marc Ginsburg:
I've been listening to you talk about the Middle East conflict as an "expert" and am wondering, were you the ambassador TO Morocco or FROM Morocco?
-----------
To Kofi Annan:
So that's how delegates get rich quick!
-----------
To Al Franken:
Not funny.
-----------
To Bill Maher:
Politically incorrect? You're about as politically CORRECT as they come, and please, when you say something nasty against conservatives, as you usually do, please don't give me that, "Oh, you can't touch me, I'm only a COMEDIAN" routine. That's cheap, Bill, and it's cheating.
-----------
To Jon Stewart:
How many writers does it take to screw in a light bulb and write your usually leftist gags? I counted 20 when you all got up to collect your EMMYS.
-----------
To Anne Rice:
I have never read you cause I don't go in for all that vampire business. But I support you in lashing back at your readers who dissed your latest. They really don't understand us, do they, Anne? I've gotten some crazy e-mails myself from my books and columns. Readers want you to keep repeating yourself. I keep being asked to write "another" Indecent Proposal. It confuses the hell out of them when you set yourself free. Let's face it, Anne, we're in a lonely business. We should get together. But no vampires, please. There's real ones out there, you know.
-----------
To Ms. A. Dwerling:
I got your name from the concierge. If you had asked me to put out my pipe nicely, there would have been no scene. Insulting someone in public is a form of murder, yes it is. No, I did not see the "Smoking Not Permitted" sign. My fault. But there should also be signs (all over the world actually) that say, "Murder Not Permitted."
-----------
To Tom Friedman of the New York Times:
I know what you and Peter Jennings and Hanan Ashrawi and Noam Chomsky and Norman Finkelstein did last summer.
-----------
To Anthony Lewis, formerly of the New York Times:
You've retired? Amazing how many America-snarling and Israel-bashing pundits have come along to replace you. Is there no end?
-----------
To the book editor who turned down my novel because it is too pro-Israel, pro-American and anti-Muslim:
You said you loved the writing but the theme was too hot to handle. Next time I'll submit Protocols. Safe enough for you, jerk?
-----------
Hi Melanie:
Yes, you're a terrific publicist. You're wrong, though, saying I'm an introvert and a recluse. I just don't like people.
-----------
To You-Know-Who in Hollywood:
Let's get it straight. Conservatives didn't do 9/11 and kill 3,000 Americans mostly in New York. Arabs did that. When is THAT movie coming out? Let's do lunch.
-----------
That's it for now, friends. But there's probably more in my "saved" attic. Complaints? See Anne Rice.