Just the other day, I was saying to my wife, "You know what I need? Seven billion dollars." Of all the coincidences! A few hours later, I turn on the TV and here's George Soros, one of the world's richest men, saying that he is willing to give away his entire fortune to defeat President Bush. What's Soros' fortune worth? Seven billion dollars. Exactly to the penny, or rather, to the billion, what I asked for.
To get the money, all I have to do is defeat President Bush; right, Mr. Soros? I'm willing. I'm game. Just show me the money and watch me defeat anybody. Is this called prostituting yourself? Okay. On the other hand, there is the moral question, best put to the Highest Authority, as to why He creates some men rich and some men poor. In other words, why you and not me?
In any case, Mr. Soros, I think we can do business. In a minute, I'll let you know what you can do with your money, I mean where you can send the check. Seven billion dollars, right? Now I swear I heard you say that President Bush is responsible for terrorism and that Israel is responsible for anti-Semitism and everything else. Hey, whatever you say, pal. Just spell my name right. (I think bank-to-bank transaction will be best. I hate it when seven billion dollar checks get lost in the mail.)
In case you forgot, here's what you said: "America, under Bush, is a danger to the world... and I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is."
From your mouth to my pocket, Mr. Soros.
Of course, first things first. You can't expect me to spend all the money in one place. We'll get to President Bush soon enough, but meantime, here's my plan for distribution, once the money (seven billion dollars, right?) is in my hands. My first billion goes to all the Israeli and American soldiers and civilians who've been injured by Islamic bombs in this deluge of terror. That's right, one billion dollars for my Terror Victims Fund.
For my second billion ? this goes to the Arabs who occupy Gaza, Judea and Samaria. I'm giving them each one hundred thousand dollars to (permanently) join Suha in Paris. If Paris is good enough for Arafat's wife, it should be good enough for the rest of them.
Oh, but you fault Israel and America for this four-year Arab temper tantrum. But surely you can't mean that, for a rich man cannot be a stupid man; at least, I don't think so. I know you're busy buying and selling, Mr. Soros - after all, seven billion dollars didn't just fall on your lap - but you must have noticed that they're killing us. Given your badmouthing of America and Israel, I'm afraid to ask who you blame for what just happened in Istanbul. There is a rumor that you are Jewish. Can this be?
My third billion goes to, well, me. It's time my wife went shopping at Rodeo Drive. My Subaru is leaking oil, so I need a new car, as does my wife, and my kids. I also want that apartment in Trump Plaza, and maybe most of all, my teeth need capping, and that in itself is near a billion dollars.
Not to be greedy, I plan to use some of the left-over, say two hundred million, for the public good, by which I intend to lobby for legislation that would give new meaning to the phrase "hung jury." Specifically, I would hang jurors who exonerate people who are plainly guilty, like that football player, and that man who last week admitted that he murdered and then chopped up a body and was then found not guilty. Yes, I would have those jurors hung.
For my fourth billion, I've got really big plans. I'm buying up the news media, or as far as a billion will take me. I start with the BBC, NPR, Haaretz and then move along. Once I get them, I fire everybody; start from scratch. The BBC hierarchy, coincidentally, just hired somebody, like an ombudsman, to find out if they're really as unkosher as people say they are. (They could have just asked me.)
Some funds should be put aside for my inaugural "Richard Wagner Music Divides Us Award." Candidates include My Big Fat Greek Anti-Semite, Composer Mikos Theodorakis (the Jewish nation "is the root of evil"), and Israeli conductor, Daniel Barenboim, who called (the late) Edward Said his "most intimate friend" and was so busy entertaining the terrorists in Ramallah and Bir Zeit that he forgot all about the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, which was tops under Sir Georg Solti. After the baton was passed to Barenboim, the Chicago plunged to the bottom.
Now with my fifth billion ? hold on to your hat! ? I'm buying Europe. How much is France worth? Belgium? Denmark? Oh I know you can't buy a country outright, but you can make deals, and if anybody knows how, you do. I'll hire you as my lobbyist. Can't pay you, of course, since the money is all mine. Seven billion dollars, right? Listen, how much would it cost to persuade Chirac to step down? Get my drift?
My sixth billion gets divided in half. Half goes to settle Jews in the entire Gaza and Judea and Samaria regions. We've already said goodbye to the Arabs who occupied that land, remember? The other half goes to the Bush campaign if he continues his war on terror and if he forgets this nonsense of establishing a 23rd Arab state, a terrorist enclave right inside Israel itself. If he drops that, he gets half a billion dollars of my money, what used to be your money. (Seven billion dollars, right?)
This leaves me with one more billion. I'll think of something. I've got my eye on a place in Ramallah that I'd like to demolish. I intend to refurbish under new ownership.
To recap, I think my "Let Them Join Suha in Paris" program is the best. Very practical. First, France loves these people. Second, Arafat's wife is already there at a $100,000 a month allowance from her husband, so my initiative to transfer the intifada is already underway in the person of Suha herself. As you'll recall, Suha once told the world she wishes she had a son so she could turn him into a suicide bomber. What gifts I'll be sending her, and the rest of France!
Did I forget anything? Oh, Bush. You want to dump him. Listen, just send the money (seven billion dollars, right?) and I'll figure something out. We'll talk. We'll come to some understanding, once the check has cleared. The minute this is done, we'll both be happy. As you can see, I'm a bit of a wheeler and dealer myself.
To get the money, all I have to do is defeat President Bush; right, Mr. Soros? I'm willing. I'm game. Just show me the money and watch me defeat anybody. Is this called prostituting yourself? Okay. On the other hand, there is the moral question, best put to the Highest Authority, as to why He creates some men rich and some men poor. In other words, why you and not me?
In any case, Mr. Soros, I think we can do business. In a minute, I'll let you know what you can do with your money, I mean where you can send the check. Seven billion dollars, right? Now I swear I heard you say that President Bush is responsible for terrorism and that Israel is responsible for anti-Semitism and everything else. Hey, whatever you say, pal. Just spell my name right. (I think bank-to-bank transaction will be best. I hate it when seven billion dollar checks get lost in the mail.)
In case you forgot, here's what you said: "America, under Bush, is a danger to the world... and I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is."
From your mouth to my pocket, Mr. Soros.
Of course, first things first. You can't expect me to spend all the money in one place. We'll get to President Bush soon enough, but meantime, here's my plan for distribution, once the money (seven billion dollars, right?) is in my hands. My first billion goes to all the Israeli and American soldiers and civilians who've been injured by Islamic bombs in this deluge of terror. That's right, one billion dollars for my Terror Victims Fund.
For my second billion ? this goes to the Arabs who occupy Gaza, Judea and Samaria. I'm giving them each one hundred thousand dollars to (permanently) join Suha in Paris. If Paris is good enough for Arafat's wife, it should be good enough for the rest of them.
Oh, but you fault Israel and America for this four-year Arab temper tantrum. But surely you can't mean that, for a rich man cannot be a stupid man; at least, I don't think so. I know you're busy buying and selling, Mr. Soros - after all, seven billion dollars didn't just fall on your lap - but you must have noticed that they're killing us. Given your badmouthing of America and Israel, I'm afraid to ask who you blame for what just happened in Istanbul. There is a rumor that you are Jewish. Can this be?
My third billion goes to, well, me. It's time my wife went shopping at Rodeo Drive. My Subaru is leaking oil, so I need a new car, as does my wife, and my kids. I also want that apartment in Trump Plaza, and maybe most of all, my teeth need capping, and that in itself is near a billion dollars.
Not to be greedy, I plan to use some of the left-over, say two hundred million, for the public good, by which I intend to lobby for legislation that would give new meaning to the phrase "hung jury." Specifically, I would hang jurors who exonerate people who are plainly guilty, like that football player, and that man who last week admitted that he murdered and then chopped up a body and was then found not guilty. Yes, I would have those jurors hung.
For my fourth billion, I've got really big plans. I'm buying up the news media, or as far as a billion will take me. I start with the BBC, NPR, Haaretz and then move along. Once I get them, I fire everybody; start from scratch. The BBC hierarchy, coincidentally, just hired somebody, like an ombudsman, to find out if they're really as unkosher as people say they are. (They could have just asked me.)
Some funds should be put aside for my inaugural "Richard Wagner Music Divides Us Award." Candidates include My Big Fat Greek Anti-Semite, Composer Mikos Theodorakis (the Jewish nation "is the root of evil"), and Israeli conductor, Daniel Barenboim, who called (the late) Edward Said his "most intimate friend" and was so busy entertaining the terrorists in Ramallah and Bir Zeit that he forgot all about the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, which was tops under Sir Georg Solti. After the baton was passed to Barenboim, the Chicago plunged to the bottom.
Now with my fifth billion ? hold on to your hat! ? I'm buying Europe. How much is France worth? Belgium? Denmark? Oh I know you can't buy a country outright, but you can make deals, and if anybody knows how, you do. I'll hire you as my lobbyist. Can't pay you, of course, since the money is all mine. Seven billion dollars, right? Listen, how much would it cost to persuade Chirac to step down? Get my drift?
My sixth billion gets divided in half. Half goes to settle Jews in the entire Gaza and Judea and Samaria regions. We've already said goodbye to the Arabs who occupied that land, remember? The other half goes to the Bush campaign if he continues his war on terror and if he forgets this nonsense of establishing a 23rd Arab state, a terrorist enclave right inside Israel itself. If he drops that, he gets half a billion dollars of my money, what used to be your money. (Seven billion dollars, right?)
This leaves me with one more billion. I'll think of something. I've got my eye on a place in Ramallah that I'd like to demolish. I intend to refurbish under new ownership.
To recap, I think my "Let Them Join Suha in Paris" program is the best. Very practical. First, France loves these people. Second, Arafat's wife is already there at a $100,000 a month allowance from her husband, so my initiative to transfer the intifada is already underway in the person of Suha herself. As you'll recall, Suha once told the world she wishes she had a son so she could turn him into a suicide bomber. What gifts I'll be sending her, and the rest of France!
Did I forget anything? Oh, Bush. You want to dump him. Listen, just send the money (seven billion dollars, right?) and I'll figure something out. We'll talk. We'll come to some understanding, once the check has cleared. The minute this is done, we'll both be happy. As you can see, I'm a bit of a wheeler and dealer myself.