[The following was overheard by a fly on the wall of PLO leader Yasser Arafat's headquarters back in May of 2003.]
Arafat:
So Abu, looks like we bamboozled the Americans into thinking you were a moderate and into forgetting about your book disproving the Holocaust and your funding of the Munich Olympic gunmen. What are your plans now that your are the president?
Abu Mazen:
Well, they want me to ?handle? things. Naturally, I take my orders from you....
Arafat:
If you?re gonna be the President, you gotta know that this job is more like being a movie director than anything else. We create a fiction that looks so good, people think it?s real. For example, we gotta dig some more smuggling tunnels ? three for show, and 30 for real.
Abu Mazen:
For show?
Arafat:
Yup. At some point the Americans will insist that we crack down on terror, so we give them a show. We destroy the three we don't use and keep using the ones they don't know about. We've been doing this same scam for years ? works every time!
Abu Mazen:
But what do I do when they insist I crack down on terrorist groups and their weapons?
Arafat:
We get new weapons all the time. When you hand them out, collect the old broken ones and keep them somewhere for when we have to show a crackdown on arms. Just use them to show those idiot Americans and the EU that you've collected all the weapons. Then show them how they're all broken, so you couldn't possibly be the threat that aggressive, lying Israel says you are. Be all contrite and apologetic and somewhat embarrassed. You tell them ?if we're too poor to eat, how can we afford weapons??
As to the crackdown on terrorists, you tell 'em it'll cause a civil war. If they really get pushy about it, I got some volunteers who are willing to be arrested for a few days ? we pay them a bonus out of the money the Americans and the EU gave us. Then we let them out.
Abu Mazen:
But suppose they insist we keep the peace?
Arafat:
[Grinning evilly] You agree. Then you start sending out the home invaders, the kidnappers, and all the others. When the Israelis complain, you blame them for your lack of police and weapons to control things. If that doesn't work, blame me. Tell them I won't let you have control. After all, they'll never touch me ? they're all afraid.
Abu Mazen:
But that won't get us our homeland...
Arafat:
The last thing we want is a homeland! At least not until we have taken over all of the land and rid it of that plague upon Allah's creation, the Jews. Besides, if we had our own country, we couldn?t keep attacking those descendants-of-pigs-and-apes, the Jews. If we had our own country and even threw one stone at them, it would be considered an act of war. This way, we can keep killing off the Jews with impunity. Clever, huh?
Abu Mazen:
So how do I stop it from happening until we get all the Jews? land?
Arafat:
Same thing I've been doing for years. As soon as an agreement looks close, pretend you're eager for peace, but send out the bombers. Deplore their acts, swear to try and crack down and blame the Israelis. Remember: always blame the Israelis. That'll stop the process for a while. Meanwhile, we've lost one person; they've lost a lot. Do the math.
Abu Mazen:
But then they'll retaliate!
Arafat:
Only once or twice. And we can afford to lose a few people. Heck, I got our women cranking out babies like rabbits on Viagra. Anyway, then you plead with the Americans and the UN to broker another temporary peace. You say you really want to give peace a chance.
Abu Mazen:
With our history? They'd never believe it!
Arafat:
Doesn't matter. We got Colin Powell, Condoleeza Rice and Kofi Anan in our back pocket. And George Bush listens to the first two. Besides, if things get hot for us, Assad and Hezbollah will start acting up to take some of the heat off. We have that squeeze play honed to a fine art.
And don't worry about the Israelis. [Snickering] I got my Nobel Peace Prize partner Peres in my pocket, too, and the Israeli Left will believe anything. Meanwhile, age must be affecting Sharon even more than we thought. Or maybe it's something else. But he knuckles under to us and America at every instance. Whoever said Jews were smart never met this group of idiots. It's like they?re working for me, but I don't even have to pay them. What a bunch of yutzes!
[It was at this point that someone noticed the fly and bombed him.]
Arafat:
So Abu, looks like we bamboozled the Americans into thinking you were a moderate and into forgetting about your book disproving the Holocaust and your funding of the Munich Olympic gunmen. What are your plans now that your are the president?
Abu Mazen:
Well, they want me to ?handle? things. Naturally, I take my orders from you....
Arafat:
If you?re gonna be the President, you gotta know that this job is more like being a movie director than anything else. We create a fiction that looks so good, people think it?s real. For example, we gotta dig some more smuggling tunnels ? three for show, and 30 for real.
Abu Mazen:
For show?
Arafat:
Yup. At some point the Americans will insist that we crack down on terror, so we give them a show. We destroy the three we don't use and keep using the ones they don't know about. We've been doing this same scam for years ? works every time!
Abu Mazen:
But what do I do when they insist I crack down on terrorist groups and their weapons?
Arafat:
We get new weapons all the time. When you hand them out, collect the old broken ones and keep them somewhere for when we have to show a crackdown on arms. Just use them to show those idiot Americans and the EU that you've collected all the weapons. Then show them how they're all broken, so you couldn't possibly be the threat that aggressive, lying Israel says you are. Be all contrite and apologetic and somewhat embarrassed. You tell them ?if we're too poor to eat, how can we afford weapons??
As to the crackdown on terrorists, you tell 'em it'll cause a civil war. If they really get pushy about it, I got some volunteers who are willing to be arrested for a few days ? we pay them a bonus out of the money the Americans and the EU gave us. Then we let them out.
Abu Mazen:
But suppose they insist we keep the peace?
Arafat:
[Grinning evilly] You agree. Then you start sending out the home invaders, the kidnappers, and all the others. When the Israelis complain, you blame them for your lack of police and weapons to control things. If that doesn't work, blame me. Tell them I won't let you have control. After all, they'll never touch me ? they're all afraid.
Abu Mazen:
But that won't get us our homeland...
Arafat:
The last thing we want is a homeland! At least not until we have taken over all of the land and rid it of that plague upon Allah's creation, the Jews. Besides, if we had our own country, we couldn?t keep attacking those descendants-of-pigs-and-apes, the Jews. If we had our own country and even threw one stone at them, it would be considered an act of war. This way, we can keep killing off the Jews with impunity. Clever, huh?
Abu Mazen:
So how do I stop it from happening until we get all the Jews? land?
Arafat:
Same thing I've been doing for years. As soon as an agreement looks close, pretend you're eager for peace, but send out the bombers. Deplore their acts, swear to try and crack down and blame the Israelis. Remember: always blame the Israelis. That'll stop the process for a while. Meanwhile, we've lost one person; they've lost a lot. Do the math.
Abu Mazen:
But then they'll retaliate!
Arafat:
Only once or twice. And we can afford to lose a few people. Heck, I got our women cranking out babies like rabbits on Viagra. Anyway, then you plead with the Americans and the UN to broker another temporary peace. You say you really want to give peace a chance.
Abu Mazen:
With our history? They'd never believe it!
Arafat:
Doesn't matter. We got Colin Powell, Condoleeza Rice and Kofi Anan in our back pocket. And George Bush listens to the first two. Besides, if things get hot for us, Assad and Hezbollah will start acting up to take some of the heat off. We have that squeeze play honed to a fine art.
And don't worry about the Israelis. [Snickering] I got my Nobel Peace Prize partner Peres in my pocket, too, and the Israeli Left will believe anything. Meanwhile, age must be affecting Sharon even more than we thought. Or maybe it's something else. But he knuckles under to us and America at every instance. Whoever said Jews were smart never met this group of idiots. It's like they?re working for me, but I don't even have to pay them. What a bunch of yutzes!
[It was at this point that someone noticed the fly and bombed him.]