Last week, I wrote a column to parents telling them not to despair when their kids are in crisis and going through hard times in life. Parents often describe the mayhem that seems to take over their lives as they struggle to come to terms and come up with solutions.
I would be unfair if I did not address the other side of the story. Kids at risk often get a bad rap. Just because some teenagers look strange, dress different and act outrageously, people assume that he/she is the guilty party. Not always. Just as there are families with risky teens, there are teens with risky parents and risky families. This week`s article is dedicated to the kids.
Dear Teens,
I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that there are those of us who understand your side of the story.
We must face up to the reality that often, you kids find yourselves in situations that are troublesome. Objectively speaking, it is not easy being a kid. After all, I remember not too long ago the trials and tribulations of my childhood and adolescence. Growing up is hard to do.
Television
In the world today, it is even harder in some ways. Look at television for example. When I grew up, the worst television that was available was "Gilligan`s Island" and "All In The Family." When Archie Bunker called his son-in-law "Meathead", it was a scandal. Today, that would be considered clean viewing entertainment.
Today, television shows are shocking. It is even more shocking if we try to comprehend the stress that exists in the minds of teens today as they struggle to wade through all the trash and make sense of it all. Television is no longer an entertainment option. Television today invades your lives and your minds with unutterable, abominable trash. Valuable programming is rare and it is an effort to find it. Growing up is hard to do in the age of modern television.
Internet
I recently heard a rabbi who just returned from New York describe his visit to a frum family where each and every child had his own desktop computer. The fact that these people see nothing troublesome in the fact that they are buying expensive equipment for young children, who will obviously grow up expecting only the best in life, is one issue, of course. The central issue, however, is the statement by the father that he has no idea what his children do on the computer.
It became clear that all the children go on-line and chat with their friends. According to Dad, that is the standard way that kids communicate after hours. What Dad was not aware of is the invasive nature of all sorts of dangerous elements via chat rooms. I am trying to imagine what it must be like to be an 11-year-old with complete and independent access to all and everything that the Internet has available, and being forced to make choices all by himself. On the one hand, teenagers want to be up to date and to be able to go with the flow, but on the other hand, teens are constantly faced with dangers in places like chat rooms. And everyone expects you to handle it by yourselves. Growing up is hard to do in the age of Internet.
Drugs
When I was a teen, we saw a cop "flick" where the drug addict was some strung-out heroin addict. Today, unfortunately, the person doing heroin can be the chevreman next door. Kids are offered drugs in yeshivas right under your noses. Anyone who reads the news knows that the drug dealers of yesteryear, who were these villainous thug caricatures, have now been replaced by a whole slew of nice looking people, including avreichim.
I am trying to consider in my mind the moral corruptness that weighs down on our children today as the insidiousness of the drug trade infests our schools and communities. Moral choices are no longer as clear as they were when we grew up with Batman and Robin. We grew up in a world that was much more black and white. Batman and Robin were the good guys, Superman was our hero. Today, the Batman and Robin and Superman in our life could be offering us drugs. What a crazy upside down world we live in! Growing up is hard to do, especially in a topsy-turvy world like ours today.
Child Molestation
The prevalence of child molestation in the community is frightening. Many parents are shocked when they discover that the person who molested their child is a known offender that the community or ?powers that be? chose to allow to remain in his position. You kids out there who have been molested have your worlds of trust blown to bits. When you finally decide to reach out for help, you often are subjected to cross-examination with the burden of proof being on you, as people suspect you of ulterior motives.
For those of you who are victims of sexual and physical abuse, it is often an agonizing process until you feel that someone believes you. It is no wonder so many abused kids opt to isolate themselves instead of reaching out for help. Growing up is hard to do in a world where adults are often trusted more than teens, just because of the age factor.
Xerox Generation
You are living in a ?cookie cutter? generation. With all the talk about chanoch lana`ar al pi darko (educate each child according to his way), our generation is fixated on the fantasy that each child will grow up to be a gadol hador or a tzadekes. Never mind the unrealistic nature of the fantasy. Never mind the wasted efforts in trying to make each child into a Gadol. Never mind the foolishness that in any generation, each child is a born leader. What is worse is the feeling that many children receive the all-or-nothing feeling from their parents, schools and communities. We don`t value kids who are, plain and simple, good kids with good midos, colorful personalities, different interests, varied talents and skills. We don`t value them, and you kids know it.
I shudder to think how hard it is for all of you to grow up in a world that wants to xerox each and every one of you into a carbon copy of some saint. I dread to think what it is like to wake up in the morning and to feel that if you, as a boy, do not have the makeup to sit and learn all day, or if deep down you are a girl who really does not want to marry a Rosh Kollel (the next Gadol Hador, of course), then you have disappointed your parents or you have failed as a Jew.
Each of you is a precious mold, pressed and formed by G-d in his wisdom, creativity and love. No two of you could or should ever be alike. Each of you has a special neshama, your own streak of uniqueness that cannot be cloned. And yet, the world around you has lost its senses and tries to force you to fit into the cookie-cutter machine. And if you don`t fit into that mold, then the world around you tells you that you are the problem.
Don?t Despair
Do not despair! You are understood. You are not alone. You can overcome, if you hold on and reach out for help.
I want to close with an excerpt from a letter that I received recently. Written by a teenage girl who had been repeatedly sexually abused by her older brother for years, the letter is a testament that even when things are dark and gloomy, there is reason to hold on. As Rabbi Frand put it best, avoid ?the Grasshopper Syndrome?. Don?t give up. Don?t lose hope.
?To all those teens out there in situations similar to mine, I wont judge you. Al tadin es chavercha ad shetagia limkomo. No two situations are the same. I was never in your situation, and you will never be in mine, so I won`t judge you, and you can never judge me. My advice to you is, don?t repeat my mistakes. Get help and tell everything! After that, the only other thing to do is to daven. Make your siddur your best friend. It is okay if your siddur has tear stains, or the pages are torn. It will make you feel better if you really believe. If there were no G-d, you would never be able to get out of your situation!? ? Name Withheld Upon Request, USA
Wishing all of you that you find the light at the end of your tunnel. May your light be bright and shine with the special light that only lives inside your soul, body and mind.
Warmest,
Chezi Goldberg, Israel
I would be unfair if I did not address the other side of the story. Kids at risk often get a bad rap. Just because some teenagers look strange, dress different and act outrageously, people assume that he/she is the guilty party. Not always. Just as there are families with risky teens, there are teens with risky parents and risky families. This week`s article is dedicated to the kids.
Dear Teens,
I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that there are those of us who understand your side of the story.
We must face up to the reality that often, you kids find yourselves in situations that are troublesome. Objectively speaking, it is not easy being a kid. After all, I remember not too long ago the trials and tribulations of my childhood and adolescence. Growing up is hard to do.
Television
In the world today, it is even harder in some ways. Look at television for example. When I grew up, the worst television that was available was "Gilligan`s Island" and "All In The Family." When Archie Bunker called his son-in-law "Meathead", it was a scandal. Today, that would be considered clean viewing entertainment.
Today, television shows are shocking. It is even more shocking if we try to comprehend the stress that exists in the minds of teens today as they struggle to wade through all the trash and make sense of it all. Television is no longer an entertainment option. Television today invades your lives and your minds with unutterable, abominable trash. Valuable programming is rare and it is an effort to find it. Growing up is hard to do in the age of modern television.
Internet
I recently heard a rabbi who just returned from New York describe his visit to a frum family where each and every child had his own desktop computer. The fact that these people see nothing troublesome in the fact that they are buying expensive equipment for young children, who will obviously grow up expecting only the best in life, is one issue, of course. The central issue, however, is the statement by the father that he has no idea what his children do on the computer.
It became clear that all the children go on-line and chat with their friends. According to Dad, that is the standard way that kids communicate after hours. What Dad was not aware of is the invasive nature of all sorts of dangerous elements via chat rooms. I am trying to imagine what it must be like to be an 11-year-old with complete and independent access to all and everything that the Internet has available, and being forced to make choices all by himself. On the one hand, teenagers want to be up to date and to be able to go with the flow, but on the other hand, teens are constantly faced with dangers in places like chat rooms. And everyone expects you to handle it by yourselves. Growing up is hard to do in the age of Internet.
Drugs
When I was a teen, we saw a cop "flick" where the drug addict was some strung-out heroin addict. Today, unfortunately, the person doing heroin can be the chevreman next door. Kids are offered drugs in yeshivas right under your noses. Anyone who reads the news knows that the drug dealers of yesteryear, who were these villainous thug caricatures, have now been replaced by a whole slew of nice looking people, including avreichim.
I am trying to consider in my mind the moral corruptness that weighs down on our children today as the insidiousness of the drug trade infests our schools and communities. Moral choices are no longer as clear as they were when we grew up with Batman and Robin. We grew up in a world that was much more black and white. Batman and Robin were the good guys, Superman was our hero. Today, the Batman and Robin and Superman in our life could be offering us drugs. What a crazy upside down world we live in! Growing up is hard to do, especially in a topsy-turvy world like ours today.
Child Molestation
The prevalence of child molestation in the community is frightening. Many parents are shocked when they discover that the person who molested their child is a known offender that the community or ?powers that be? chose to allow to remain in his position. You kids out there who have been molested have your worlds of trust blown to bits. When you finally decide to reach out for help, you often are subjected to cross-examination with the burden of proof being on you, as people suspect you of ulterior motives.
For those of you who are victims of sexual and physical abuse, it is often an agonizing process until you feel that someone believes you. It is no wonder so many abused kids opt to isolate themselves instead of reaching out for help. Growing up is hard to do in a world where adults are often trusted more than teens, just because of the age factor.
Xerox Generation
You are living in a ?cookie cutter? generation. With all the talk about chanoch lana`ar al pi darko (educate each child according to his way), our generation is fixated on the fantasy that each child will grow up to be a gadol hador or a tzadekes. Never mind the unrealistic nature of the fantasy. Never mind the wasted efforts in trying to make each child into a Gadol. Never mind the foolishness that in any generation, each child is a born leader. What is worse is the feeling that many children receive the all-or-nothing feeling from their parents, schools and communities. We don`t value kids who are, plain and simple, good kids with good midos, colorful personalities, different interests, varied talents and skills. We don`t value them, and you kids know it.
I shudder to think how hard it is for all of you to grow up in a world that wants to xerox each and every one of you into a carbon copy of some saint. I dread to think what it is like to wake up in the morning and to feel that if you, as a boy, do not have the makeup to sit and learn all day, or if deep down you are a girl who really does not want to marry a Rosh Kollel (the next Gadol Hador, of course), then you have disappointed your parents or you have failed as a Jew.
Each of you is a precious mold, pressed and formed by G-d in his wisdom, creativity and love. No two of you could or should ever be alike. Each of you has a special neshama, your own streak of uniqueness that cannot be cloned. And yet, the world around you has lost its senses and tries to force you to fit into the cookie-cutter machine. And if you don`t fit into that mold, then the world around you tells you that you are the problem.
Don?t Despair
Do not despair! You are understood. You are not alone. You can overcome, if you hold on and reach out for help.
I want to close with an excerpt from a letter that I received recently. Written by a teenage girl who had been repeatedly sexually abused by her older brother for years, the letter is a testament that even when things are dark and gloomy, there is reason to hold on. As Rabbi Frand put it best, avoid ?the Grasshopper Syndrome?. Don?t give up. Don?t lose hope.
?To all those teens out there in situations similar to mine, I wont judge you. Al tadin es chavercha ad shetagia limkomo. No two situations are the same. I was never in your situation, and you will never be in mine, so I won`t judge you, and you can never judge me. My advice to you is, don?t repeat my mistakes. Get help and tell everything! After that, the only other thing to do is to daven. Make your siddur your best friend. It is okay if your siddur has tear stains, or the pages are torn. It will make you feel better if you really believe. If there were no G-d, you would never be able to get out of your situation!? ? Name Withheld Upon Request, USA
Wishing all of you that you find the light at the end of your tunnel. May your light be bright and shine with the special light that only lives inside your soul, body and mind.
Warmest,
Chezi Goldberg, Israel