We have discovered that there were actually several chapters in the Biblical book of Joshua that were lost for millennia and only recently rediscovered. We bring them to you here for the first time:
And after conquering many of the lands of the Canaanites, Joshua came to speak with the Lord and said unto him: Oh Lord we seem to be having failure to communicate with the Children of Israel. And the Lord asked, tell me My son, what seems to be the problem? And Joshua said to the Lord, well things were going just fine at first. We were kicking Canaanite butt right and left and they were everywhere in flight. Victory was in sight. But then the Israelites sent a delegation to them with a proposal for a change in plans. We wish to reach a compromise with the Canaanites, they told me. Yep, I know it is hard to believe, but these Children of Israel demanded that we stop the campaign to conquer our promised land and instead seek a compromise by splitting the Land of Israel fifty-fifty with the savages. They are demanding that we offer the Canaanites half of the country, including the territories holding most of the holy sites and shrines from the period of the Patriarchs.
You are not just yanking my chain here Joshua, asks the Lord.
I am serious, oh Lord. But it gets worse. These people are suggesting we let the Canaanites organize their own militias and army, right here in Jericho, Shechem and Hebron. They claim these militias will be used to suppress Canaanite radicals and terrorists. They then want the Levites to collect a tithe of 10% of the income and property of the Israelites and hand it to the Canaanites. They claim they want to try to swap land for peace with the pagans. And they even want to let the Canaanites set up altars of their own in Jerusalem after we conquer it.
Now hold your heifers here Joshua. I thought we had an understanding. I thought Moses had made it clear to these people that their job is to impose their sovereignty over the entire area I promised them! They have no right to "compromise" with My Land. They have no permission to trade "land for peace". Their job is to exercise the military option and to achieve unchallenged victory. The only compromise they are authorized to offer the Canaanites is to demand their unconditional surrender and maybe allow them to hold commuting day jobs as cutters of wood and drawers of water.
Hey, I am on Your side, oh Lord, answers Joshua. But what can I do? The tribesmen claim they held an election and the "peace camp" won.
We will see about that, says the Lord. If these stiff-necked dingbats refuse to see reason, if they refuse to take the initiative and impose their sovereignty over the entire territories and lands that have been granted by Me to them, then We will have to take measures that leave them with no choice but to declare war. We will have to create the conditions under which they have no choice but to attack the Canaanites, to use military force, and to achieve victory.
You're the Boss, says Joshua. You show the way. And the days pass and the Canaanites begin to snipe at the passing Israelites with blowguns and crossbows. Ah You clever One, says Joshua to the Lord. Surely, this will bring them to their senses. Surely now they will realize there can be no territorial compromise with the pagans and that the only way to deal with them is through military initiative and conquest.
But lo, the days go by and the tribal chiefs simply expand their dialogue and talks with the Canaanite terrorist leaders. It is not working oh Lord, says Joshua. We will see about that, responds the Almighty. In the coming days the Canaanites escalate their conflict. They start sending epistle bombs consisting of parchment wrapped around explosives to homes of the Israelites. They invade several villages of Israelites and burn down their homes. They fire catapults randomly into Israelite civilian homes.
Any progress yet Joshua?, asks the Lord. Alas, answers Joshua, they are responding to these new atrocities by demanding that we turn more territory over to the savages and give them more chariots and weapons, as well. Time to turn up the heat some more, says the Lord. This will surely put the fight into them and fire in their bellies. In the coming days the Canaanites send out gangs of assassins to roam the roads and fields of the Israelites and to murder them. But, Joshua explains, even this is not producing the needed change. The Israelites suggest that they give up their own flags and psalms and instead adopt those that are less offensive to Canaanite sensitivities. They want to teach Canaanite poetry and philosophy in their schools. Israelite universities teach about the tragedy that has befallen the Canaanites from the Israelite migration across the Jordan, and several teachers in Israelite universities erect Canaanite flags and banners with images of Baal and Moloch on them.
You don't seriously mean to tell Me that the morons are still trying to make peace with the murdering barbarians, the Lord asks Joshua. Maybe you should have given them some more common sense and IQ points back in the Sinai wanderings, suggests Joshua. No more Mister Nice Guy, answers the Almighty.
The Canaanites escalate further. They place large bombs aboard the public transit chariots of the Israelites. They murder Israelite children. They blow up Israelite universities and nightclubs. They murder Israelites engaged in the Passover sacrifice. They scream that they will annihilate the Israelites. They demand that pagan armies from all over the world join in the campaign of annihilation. They dress up their own people, including their children, with explosives beneath their cloaks and place camel bombs in the Israelite marketplaces. The campaign of atrocities makes the Plagues against Egypt seem like children's games. The carnage continues, all as part of the Divine program to force the Israelites to take up arms, to impose their will on the savages, to defeat them militarily and to exercise sovereignty.
The lands of Israel became the Valley of the Shadow of Death. The Divine reeducation of the Israelites proceeds with no stopping. They will be goaded into military victory over the Canaanites or My name is not oh you know what, comes a voice from the sky. Months go by and turn into years. The carnage toll rises. Not a single family of Israelites remains untouched. And when things could not possibly go on even a day longer, the Israelite tribe leaders at last come up with a plan of action and present it to Joshua.
Ok Son of Nun, they tell Joshua, we have decided on a unilateral cease-fire combined with goodwill measures towards the Canaanites plus an offer to recognize an independent Canaanite state with Mount Moriah as its Capital plus talks at the White Pyramid overseas, and in the meantime allow the Canaanites to operate their diplomatic altars in Jerusalem, while we disarm ourselves further to show we seek peace and we will issue an apologize for any Canaanites that might have been killed by our troops while shooting back at attacking Amalekite hordes.
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Steven Plaut teaches Business Administration at the University of Haifa.
And after conquering many of the lands of the Canaanites, Joshua came to speak with the Lord and said unto him: Oh Lord we seem to be having failure to communicate with the Children of Israel. And the Lord asked, tell me My son, what seems to be the problem? And Joshua said to the Lord, well things were going just fine at first. We were kicking Canaanite butt right and left and they were everywhere in flight. Victory was in sight. But then the Israelites sent a delegation to them with a proposal for a change in plans. We wish to reach a compromise with the Canaanites, they told me. Yep, I know it is hard to believe, but these Children of Israel demanded that we stop the campaign to conquer our promised land and instead seek a compromise by splitting the Land of Israel fifty-fifty with the savages. They are demanding that we offer the Canaanites half of the country, including the territories holding most of the holy sites and shrines from the period of the Patriarchs.
You are not just yanking my chain here Joshua, asks the Lord.
I am serious, oh Lord. But it gets worse. These people are suggesting we let the Canaanites organize their own militias and army, right here in Jericho, Shechem and Hebron. They claim these militias will be used to suppress Canaanite radicals and terrorists. They then want the Levites to collect a tithe of 10% of the income and property of the Israelites and hand it to the Canaanites. They claim they want to try to swap land for peace with the pagans. And they even want to let the Canaanites set up altars of their own in Jerusalem after we conquer it.
Now hold your heifers here Joshua. I thought we had an understanding. I thought Moses had made it clear to these people that their job is to impose their sovereignty over the entire area I promised them! They have no right to "compromise" with My Land. They have no permission to trade "land for peace". Their job is to exercise the military option and to achieve unchallenged victory. The only compromise they are authorized to offer the Canaanites is to demand their unconditional surrender and maybe allow them to hold commuting day jobs as cutters of wood and drawers of water.
Hey, I am on Your side, oh Lord, answers Joshua. But what can I do? The tribesmen claim they held an election and the "peace camp" won.
We will see about that, says the Lord. If these stiff-necked dingbats refuse to see reason, if they refuse to take the initiative and impose their sovereignty over the entire territories and lands that have been granted by Me to them, then We will have to take measures that leave them with no choice but to declare war. We will have to create the conditions under which they have no choice but to attack the Canaanites, to use military force, and to achieve victory.
You're the Boss, says Joshua. You show the way. And the days pass and the Canaanites begin to snipe at the passing Israelites with blowguns and crossbows. Ah You clever One, says Joshua to the Lord. Surely, this will bring them to their senses. Surely now they will realize there can be no territorial compromise with the pagans and that the only way to deal with them is through military initiative and conquest.
But lo, the days go by and the tribal chiefs simply expand their dialogue and talks with the Canaanite terrorist leaders. It is not working oh Lord, says Joshua. We will see about that, responds the Almighty. In the coming days the Canaanites escalate their conflict. They start sending epistle bombs consisting of parchment wrapped around explosives to homes of the Israelites. They invade several villages of Israelites and burn down their homes. They fire catapults randomly into Israelite civilian homes.
Any progress yet Joshua?, asks the Lord. Alas, answers Joshua, they are responding to these new atrocities by demanding that we turn more territory over to the savages and give them more chariots and weapons, as well. Time to turn up the heat some more, says the Lord. This will surely put the fight into them and fire in their bellies. In the coming days the Canaanites send out gangs of assassins to roam the roads and fields of the Israelites and to murder them. But, Joshua explains, even this is not producing the needed change. The Israelites suggest that they give up their own flags and psalms and instead adopt those that are less offensive to Canaanite sensitivities. They want to teach Canaanite poetry and philosophy in their schools. Israelite universities teach about the tragedy that has befallen the Canaanites from the Israelite migration across the Jordan, and several teachers in Israelite universities erect Canaanite flags and banners with images of Baal and Moloch on them.
You don't seriously mean to tell Me that the morons are still trying to make peace with the murdering barbarians, the Lord asks Joshua. Maybe you should have given them some more common sense and IQ points back in the Sinai wanderings, suggests Joshua. No more Mister Nice Guy, answers the Almighty.
The Canaanites escalate further. They place large bombs aboard the public transit chariots of the Israelites. They murder Israelite children. They blow up Israelite universities and nightclubs. They murder Israelites engaged in the Passover sacrifice. They scream that they will annihilate the Israelites. They demand that pagan armies from all over the world join in the campaign of annihilation. They dress up their own people, including their children, with explosives beneath their cloaks and place camel bombs in the Israelite marketplaces. The campaign of atrocities makes the Plagues against Egypt seem like children's games. The carnage continues, all as part of the Divine program to force the Israelites to take up arms, to impose their will on the savages, to defeat them militarily and to exercise sovereignty.
The lands of Israel became the Valley of the Shadow of Death. The Divine reeducation of the Israelites proceeds with no stopping. They will be goaded into military victory over the Canaanites or My name is not oh you know what, comes a voice from the sky. Months go by and turn into years. The carnage toll rises. Not a single family of Israelites remains untouched. And when things could not possibly go on even a day longer, the Israelite tribe leaders at last come up with a plan of action and present it to Joshua.
Ok Son of Nun, they tell Joshua, we have decided on a unilateral cease-fire combined with goodwill measures towards the Canaanites plus an offer to recognize an independent Canaanite state with Mount Moriah as its Capital plus talks at the White Pyramid overseas, and in the meantime allow the Canaanites to operate their diplomatic altars in Jerusalem, while we disarm ourselves further to show we seek peace and we will issue an apologize for any Canaanites that might have been killed by our troops while shooting back at attacking Amalekite hordes.
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Steven Plaut teaches Business Administration at the University of Haifa.