Don?t you wish that international geopolitics were more like baseball?
There?s one really solid and steady rule in sports. Root for the home team.
The players? Well that?s a different story. They come and they go. They get traded, waived, sent to the minors. They?re bought and they?re sold. When they can no longer play, they retire and become broadcasters.
Politics is very different. Unlike sports, politicians and world leaders usually stick around for a while, even after it?s obvious to all that they?re no longer in the same shape they once were. And unlike sports, we can?t easily get rid of some aging politicians.
But what if politics would adopt the rules of sports? What if we could trade, waive, buy and sell our politicians?
President Bush recently unveiled his vision and plan for peace in the Middle East. How is his plan different from Mitchell, Tenet, Oslo, Rogers and Camp David I, II, etc.? Well, for one, he demands reform and democracy for the Palestinians. To his critics, it smells of ?nation building?, something he once vowed he would never do.
The critics have it all wrong. It?s not ?nation building?. George W. Bush, a former owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team, is simply doing what he knows works well in sports. It?s ?franchise building?.
The real plan? Well, if George W. knows anything he knows his players. Here?s the Bush plan, based on the scouting reports of the last few years:
For the position of President of the Palestinian Authority, Shimon Peres. Peres, already a Nobel prize winner when he ?pitched? for Israel, will get a chance to be the first to win Nobel prizes ?pitching? in two different leagues. Of course, he still has to get fan approval and actually run for office, something he hasn?t been too successful at in Israel. With the Palestinians, however, he stands a much better chance. Those fans love him.
Peres? style suits the Palestinians. Look at his record. Settlements? No way. Oslo violations? Oh, don?t get picky. Loyalty? Everyone knows Peres isn?t comfortable in the current Israeli government. He isn?t even comfortable with his own political party. Who is Peres comfortable with? Well, that?s easy. Palestinian politicians. Abu Alla, Abu Mazen, even Abu Amar (Yasser Arafat) are all on a first name basis with ?Shimon?, and Peres never really seemed out of sync with what most of them were saying anyway. Like aging ball players who switch leagues to become designated hitters, Peres is the perfect DH for the Palestinian Authority. He can?t play the field too well anymore, but he can still swing the bat.
How about trading Peres for someone the Palestinians don?t really want, someone who is really more comfortable playing for Israel? And who would that be? Easy. The former Palestinian chief of security services for the West Bank, Jibril Rajoub. Jibril, whose favorite restaurants are on the Israeli side anyway, has lost popularity since he sold out some terrorists holing up in his headquarters a few months ago. Like Peres to the Israelis, the Palestinians would shed few tears in trading away Jibril. Rajoub comes with a thorough knowledge of the P.A. playbook, an invaluable resource for any team. CIA-trained and supported, Rajoub would formally change his name to Gavriel Regev and get to play in front of a crowd that really appreciates his skills.
Well, that?s the deal. Peres for Rajoub.
The deal solves lots of problems. The Palestinians get a legitimate player to go along with their ?reforms? and the Israelis get rid of an aging liability. The Americans solve the problem of who, in a democratic system, might be around for the Palestinians to choose. If the trade is successful, it will open up a whole new arena of possibilities. How about a deal for Gaza security chief Mohammad Dahlan? Israel can send him to the minors in the Histadrut to learn the ropes and then bring him up when he?s ready for prime time. And since there?s been a problem with the Palestinian educational system?s continual incitement against Israel, how about trading Dahlan for Yossi Sarid? After all, Sarid is the former Minister of Education in Israel who, upon assuming office, instituted Israeli study of Palestinian poetry. Perfect! In fact, the Israelis will throw in former legislator Yossi Beilin, who doesn?t seem to be doing anything meaningful anyway these days.
The world has been waiting for the Americans to finally unveil a workable plan for solving the Israel-Arab conflict. Now that the players are in place, the games can begin.
And what could be more American than democracy, apple pie and? baseball?
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Joel Kafri, an expert in the psychological aspects of political sports, is the pseudonym of a resident of occupied Raanana.
There?s one really solid and steady rule in sports. Root for the home team.
The players? Well that?s a different story. They come and they go. They get traded, waived, sent to the minors. They?re bought and they?re sold. When they can no longer play, they retire and become broadcasters.
Politics is very different. Unlike sports, politicians and world leaders usually stick around for a while, even after it?s obvious to all that they?re no longer in the same shape they once were. And unlike sports, we can?t easily get rid of some aging politicians.
But what if politics would adopt the rules of sports? What if we could trade, waive, buy and sell our politicians?
President Bush recently unveiled his vision and plan for peace in the Middle East. How is his plan different from Mitchell, Tenet, Oslo, Rogers and Camp David I, II, etc.? Well, for one, he demands reform and democracy for the Palestinians. To his critics, it smells of ?nation building?, something he once vowed he would never do.
The critics have it all wrong. It?s not ?nation building?. George W. Bush, a former owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team, is simply doing what he knows works well in sports. It?s ?franchise building?.
The real plan? Well, if George W. knows anything he knows his players. Here?s the Bush plan, based on the scouting reports of the last few years:
For the position of President of the Palestinian Authority, Shimon Peres. Peres, already a Nobel prize winner when he ?pitched? for Israel, will get a chance to be the first to win Nobel prizes ?pitching? in two different leagues. Of course, he still has to get fan approval and actually run for office, something he hasn?t been too successful at in Israel. With the Palestinians, however, he stands a much better chance. Those fans love him.
Peres? style suits the Palestinians. Look at his record. Settlements? No way. Oslo violations? Oh, don?t get picky. Loyalty? Everyone knows Peres isn?t comfortable in the current Israeli government. He isn?t even comfortable with his own political party. Who is Peres comfortable with? Well, that?s easy. Palestinian politicians. Abu Alla, Abu Mazen, even Abu Amar (Yasser Arafat) are all on a first name basis with ?Shimon?, and Peres never really seemed out of sync with what most of them were saying anyway. Like aging ball players who switch leagues to become designated hitters, Peres is the perfect DH for the Palestinian Authority. He can?t play the field too well anymore, but he can still swing the bat.
How about trading Peres for someone the Palestinians don?t really want, someone who is really more comfortable playing for Israel? And who would that be? Easy. The former Palestinian chief of security services for the West Bank, Jibril Rajoub. Jibril, whose favorite restaurants are on the Israeli side anyway, has lost popularity since he sold out some terrorists holing up in his headquarters a few months ago. Like Peres to the Israelis, the Palestinians would shed few tears in trading away Jibril. Rajoub comes with a thorough knowledge of the P.A. playbook, an invaluable resource for any team. CIA-trained and supported, Rajoub would formally change his name to Gavriel Regev and get to play in front of a crowd that really appreciates his skills.
Well, that?s the deal. Peres for Rajoub.
The deal solves lots of problems. The Palestinians get a legitimate player to go along with their ?reforms? and the Israelis get rid of an aging liability. The Americans solve the problem of who, in a democratic system, might be around for the Palestinians to choose. If the trade is successful, it will open up a whole new arena of possibilities. How about a deal for Gaza security chief Mohammad Dahlan? Israel can send him to the minors in the Histadrut to learn the ropes and then bring him up when he?s ready for prime time. And since there?s been a problem with the Palestinian educational system?s continual incitement against Israel, how about trading Dahlan for Yossi Sarid? After all, Sarid is the former Minister of Education in Israel who, upon assuming office, instituted Israeli study of Palestinian poetry. Perfect! In fact, the Israelis will throw in former legislator Yossi Beilin, who doesn?t seem to be doing anything meaningful anyway these days.
The world has been waiting for the Americans to finally unveil a workable plan for solving the Israel-Arab conflict. Now that the players are in place, the games can begin.
And what could be more American than democracy, apple pie and? baseball?
----------------------------------
Joel Kafri, an expert in the psychological aspects of political sports, is the pseudonym of a resident of occupied Raanana.