There was a mad rush for seats as the annual
Palestinian Authority cabinet meeting got underway.
As the cabinet ministers filed into the rebuilt Mukata
boardroom in Ramallah, many of them admired how
quickly the place had been refurbished since the
Israelis left town, and the mortar holes tastefully
filled in with pizza boxes. Ahmed, always one to
ingratiate himself, loudly asked President Arafat
about his new headdress and the new ivory-studded
tables and chairs, spittoons and drinking glasses.
Arafat responded positively ?Do you like the new
furnishings, Secretary Ahmed? They just arrived
today, courtesy of the EU, part of the gift to
re-establish the proud Palestinian Authority.?
Yasser cleared his voice and began ?Fellow jihadniks,
thank you for all coming to my Cabinet meeting.
Today, we have only one item on the agenda. We are
going to decide on what kind of reforms we are going
to do. Does anyone have any ideas that they would
like to share??
Mahmoud raised his voice sheepishly ?Um, your
Excellency, we have heard that there has been pressure
from the Americans for democratic reforms to our
beloved and already highly efficient PA institutions.
What exactly is democracy??
?That was a question, Mahmoud, not an idea. But,
after our proud victory over the Israeli soldiers, I
am feeling in a generous mood, so I will allow it,
this time, as long as it does not constitute an
opinion.?
Arafat continued. ?Mahmoud, my dear friend and loyal
supporter, you ask about ?democracy? - I will tell
you. Democracy is a tool of needless oppression of
naturally selected leaders by the masses of uneducated
people and meddling media and ivory-tower academics.
In my many travels around the Western world promoting
our just cause, I have learned much about these
?democracies?. The leaders spend their time dealing
with all noisy complaints and demonstrations about
civil ?rights? and ?process?, fighting with their
elected opposition in their parliaments, being
?accountable?, worrying about being re-elected, and
get this ? tendering contracts legally ? I love that
one. Horribly inefficient, quite a waste of time and
money. Instead they should be dealing with their
country?s real problems, like moral decay caused by
television, political corruption scandals, rampant
sexual immorality and bad television reception.
Fortunately, through my wise and effective leadership,
we have none of those problems. So you see, we are
much more advanced than those so-called ?democracies?.
He paused to play with his revolver, for what seemed
like an eternity to the other Cabinet ministers.
?So if you ask me, all this ?democracy? stuff is
definitely NOT for the Palestinian people. But, then
again, who said anything about democracy? This is the
Palestinian Authority, under the wise, supreme and
all-knowing leadership of President Yasser Arafat!
Who needs curses such as free speech, freedom of the
press, independent courts of justice, civil rights,
and an elected opposition, when you can have my
beneficent, generous leadership? Do you not trust your
supreme leader to make proper decisions? If so, anyone
should speak up now!?
There was a long silence before Mahmoud reluctantly
sat up, squirming. ?No Excellency, of course we all
trust you completely. It?s just that?that?well, you
know, those infidel Americans are expecting us to make
democratic reforms to our institutions, so that we
could continue to receive their, um, contributions to
our people?s welfare, which of course would continue
to be under your wise and unilateral control?it?s
merely window dressing, and you would continue to be
able to use the American and European Union funds for
whatever, um, investments that you deemed
appropriate.?
Arafat thundered back. ?Our beloved, oppressed, loyal
Palestinian people do not ask for or want such things
? moreover, they only distract our limited resources
and skills from achieving our ultimate goal, which
is??
?Lining our Swiss bank accounts?? queried Abdallah.
?No, you fool, liberating all of Palestine, from the
River to the Sea. So now, in order to please those
na?ve Americans and EUrocrats, we will talk about what
reforms we will be making, some time in the future.?
Yasser paused, then scanned the room. ?Here is my
proposal for a Ten Point Reform Plan. First, we will
have a Cabinet ?shuffle?. With that, he pointed his
revolver at Mahmoud, then fired a bullet between his
eyes. Ahmed slumped over, the smoke rising behind
him. Arafat turned to Ahmed ?Stupid Mahmoud, I never
liked his opinions. What Cabinet position did he
hold??
Ahmed, trembling, whispered ?Your Excellency, he was
Minister of Justice, Gaming and Infrastructure
Development?.
?I see. Ahmed, you are now the new minister of,
whatever you just said. Now every one stand up and
move to the left one seat, then sit down.? They
dutifully obliged. ?Good, whatever portfolio is in
front of you is now yours to do with as you please ?
with my approval. There, see, Reform is good. We
have now completed our Cabinet shuffle.?
Arafat continued, excitedly ?Ahmed, take this down. We
will need to send this to CNN and Reuters immediately
? they?ll do their usual good work?.
?Second, we will issue new road signs for all of the
new public works projects to be financed by the EU and
the Americans.?
?Third, we will bring in a new public relations
campaign - with the slogan ?President Arafat for
Life?.?
?Fourth, we will hold President-for-Life ?elections?,
just like they used to do in Russia, Albania, and
Pakistan. And to avoid voter confusion, there will
only be one candidate.?
?Fifth, we will bolster our justice system by
establishing appeals of court decisions by the
President, for a small administrative fee of 10,000
American infidel dollars.?
?Sixth, we will eliminate administrative corruption by
instituting a Corruption tax, payable to the
Palestinian Treasury, care of the President.?
?Seventh, we will institute a free press by forbidding
newspapers from charging money for newspapers.?
?Eighth, we will lift press censorship for exactly two
hours every third week, at a timetable to be
determined by the President.?
?Ninth, we will allow for election of a Leader of the
Opposition, whose only job will be to say nice things
about the President for Life?.
?Tenth, and lastly, we will allow every Palestinian to
have a turn as a member of the Palestinian Authority
Parliament for an hour, so they can participate in
democracy.?
?Good. Now we will take a vote, but just this once.
All those in favour of the proposed Ten-Point Reform
Plan, say Yessir, Yasser?
?Yessir, Yasser? they unanimously responded. ?Good,
Our Reform Plan is now approved, and therefore, our
cabinet meeting is now adjourned. Come prepared to
report on your new portfolios next time we meet,
whenever I declare one. And, by the way, don?t steal
any silverware on your way out ? remember, I?m
watching you?. Ahmed, you?ve been taking good notes,
right??
?Yessir, Yasser? Ahmed feverishly replied. ?Whoever
thought that our Reform Plan would be so comprehensive
and progressive ? why it?s light years ahead of any
Arab country! I?ll go call Reuters and CNN right away
? can I use your personal phone??
?No, idiot! Use the pay phone outside, like everyone
else!?
***********************************************************
(Reuters/CNN) RAMALLAH, PALESTINE - Palestinian
Authority President Yasser Arafat today announced a
ten-step reform package to increase democracy in his
state-in-the-making. The plan includes a Cabinet
shuffle, an infrastructure development strategy,
improved press access, presidential elections,
addition of appeals to the PA court system,
elimination of corruption, a free press, an end to
press censorship, elections for an Opposition, and
increased representation in the PA Parliament in
Ramallah.
European Union diplomats and Israeli Foreign Minister
Shimon Peres were ecstatic in their approval of these
far-reaching initiatives, citing this as ?definitive
proof that Arafat has truly become a statesman, and is
working hard to develop democratic institutions in
areas under his administration?. Hundreds of millions
of EU foreign aid dollars are expected to start
flowing to the Palestinian Authority imminently.
----------------------------------
Jordan Max is a freelance humorist living in Ontario, Canada.
Palestinian Authority cabinet meeting got underway.
As the cabinet ministers filed into the rebuilt Mukata
boardroom in Ramallah, many of them admired how
quickly the place had been refurbished since the
Israelis left town, and the mortar holes tastefully
filled in with pizza boxes. Ahmed, always one to
ingratiate himself, loudly asked President Arafat
about his new headdress and the new ivory-studded
tables and chairs, spittoons and drinking glasses.
Arafat responded positively ?Do you like the new
furnishings, Secretary Ahmed? They just arrived
today, courtesy of the EU, part of the gift to
re-establish the proud Palestinian Authority.?
Yasser cleared his voice and began ?Fellow jihadniks,
thank you for all coming to my Cabinet meeting.
Today, we have only one item on the agenda. We are
going to decide on what kind of reforms we are going
to do. Does anyone have any ideas that they would
like to share??
Mahmoud raised his voice sheepishly ?Um, your
Excellency, we have heard that there has been pressure
from the Americans for democratic reforms to our
beloved and already highly efficient PA institutions.
What exactly is democracy??
?That was a question, Mahmoud, not an idea. But,
after our proud victory over the Israeli soldiers, I
am feeling in a generous mood, so I will allow it,
this time, as long as it does not constitute an
opinion.?
Arafat continued. ?Mahmoud, my dear friend and loyal
supporter, you ask about ?democracy? - I will tell
you. Democracy is a tool of needless oppression of
naturally selected leaders by the masses of uneducated
people and meddling media and ivory-tower academics.
In my many travels around the Western world promoting
our just cause, I have learned much about these
?democracies?. The leaders spend their time dealing
with all noisy complaints and demonstrations about
civil ?rights? and ?process?, fighting with their
elected opposition in their parliaments, being
?accountable?, worrying about being re-elected, and
get this ? tendering contracts legally ? I love that
one. Horribly inefficient, quite a waste of time and
money. Instead they should be dealing with their
country?s real problems, like moral decay caused by
television, political corruption scandals, rampant
sexual immorality and bad television reception.
Fortunately, through my wise and effective leadership,
we have none of those problems. So you see, we are
much more advanced than those so-called ?democracies?.
He paused to play with his revolver, for what seemed
like an eternity to the other Cabinet ministers.
?So if you ask me, all this ?democracy? stuff is
definitely NOT for the Palestinian people. But, then
again, who said anything about democracy? This is the
Palestinian Authority, under the wise, supreme and
all-knowing leadership of President Yasser Arafat!
Who needs curses such as free speech, freedom of the
press, independent courts of justice, civil rights,
and an elected opposition, when you can have my
beneficent, generous leadership? Do you not trust your
supreme leader to make proper decisions? If so, anyone
should speak up now!?
There was a long silence before Mahmoud reluctantly
sat up, squirming. ?No Excellency, of course we all
trust you completely. It?s just that?that?well, you
know, those infidel Americans are expecting us to make
democratic reforms to our institutions, so that we
could continue to receive their, um, contributions to
our people?s welfare, which of course would continue
to be under your wise and unilateral control?it?s
merely window dressing, and you would continue to be
able to use the American and European Union funds for
whatever, um, investments that you deemed
appropriate.?
Arafat thundered back. ?Our beloved, oppressed, loyal
Palestinian people do not ask for or want such things
? moreover, they only distract our limited resources
and skills from achieving our ultimate goal, which
is??
?Lining our Swiss bank accounts?? queried Abdallah.
?No, you fool, liberating all of Palestine, from the
River to the Sea. So now, in order to please those
na?ve Americans and EUrocrats, we will talk about what
reforms we will be making, some time in the future.?
Yasser paused, then scanned the room. ?Here is my
proposal for a Ten Point Reform Plan. First, we will
have a Cabinet ?shuffle?. With that, he pointed his
revolver at Mahmoud, then fired a bullet between his
eyes. Ahmed slumped over, the smoke rising behind
him. Arafat turned to Ahmed ?Stupid Mahmoud, I never
liked his opinions. What Cabinet position did he
hold??
Ahmed, trembling, whispered ?Your Excellency, he was
Minister of Justice, Gaming and Infrastructure
Development?.
?I see. Ahmed, you are now the new minister of,
whatever you just said. Now every one stand up and
move to the left one seat, then sit down.? They
dutifully obliged. ?Good, whatever portfolio is in
front of you is now yours to do with as you please ?
with my approval. There, see, Reform is good. We
have now completed our Cabinet shuffle.?
Arafat continued, excitedly ?Ahmed, take this down. We
will need to send this to CNN and Reuters immediately
? they?ll do their usual good work?.
?Second, we will issue new road signs for all of the
new public works projects to be financed by the EU and
the Americans.?
?Third, we will bring in a new public relations
campaign - with the slogan ?President Arafat for
Life?.?
?Fourth, we will hold President-for-Life ?elections?,
just like they used to do in Russia, Albania, and
Pakistan. And to avoid voter confusion, there will
only be one candidate.?
?Fifth, we will bolster our justice system by
establishing appeals of court decisions by the
President, for a small administrative fee of 10,000
American infidel dollars.?
?Sixth, we will eliminate administrative corruption by
instituting a Corruption tax, payable to the
Palestinian Treasury, care of the President.?
?Seventh, we will institute a free press by forbidding
newspapers from charging money for newspapers.?
?Eighth, we will lift press censorship for exactly two
hours every third week, at a timetable to be
determined by the President.?
?Ninth, we will allow for election of a Leader of the
Opposition, whose only job will be to say nice things
about the President for Life?.
?Tenth, and lastly, we will allow every Palestinian to
have a turn as a member of the Palestinian Authority
Parliament for an hour, so they can participate in
democracy.?
?Good. Now we will take a vote, but just this once.
All those in favour of the proposed Ten-Point Reform
Plan, say Yessir, Yasser?
?Yessir, Yasser? they unanimously responded. ?Good,
Our Reform Plan is now approved, and therefore, our
cabinet meeting is now adjourned. Come prepared to
report on your new portfolios next time we meet,
whenever I declare one. And, by the way, don?t steal
any silverware on your way out ? remember, I?m
watching you?. Ahmed, you?ve been taking good notes,
right??
?Yessir, Yasser? Ahmed feverishly replied. ?Whoever
thought that our Reform Plan would be so comprehensive
and progressive ? why it?s light years ahead of any
Arab country! I?ll go call Reuters and CNN right away
? can I use your personal phone??
?No, idiot! Use the pay phone outside, like everyone
else!?
***********************************************************
(Reuters/CNN) RAMALLAH, PALESTINE - Palestinian
Authority President Yasser Arafat today announced a
ten-step reform package to increase democracy in his
state-in-the-making. The plan includes a Cabinet
shuffle, an infrastructure development strategy,
improved press access, presidential elections,
addition of appeals to the PA court system,
elimination of corruption, a free press, an end to
press censorship, elections for an Opposition, and
increased representation in the PA Parliament in
Ramallah.
European Union diplomats and Israeli Foreign Minister
Shimon Peres were ecstatic in their approval of these
far-reaching initiatives, citing this as ?definitive
proof that Arafat has truly become a statesman, and is
working hard to develop democratic institutions in
areas under his administration?. Hundreds of millions
of EU foreign aid dollars are expected to start
flowing to the Palestinian Authority imminently.
----------------------------------
Jordan Max is a freelance humorist living in Ontario, Canada.