Wanted: Comfortable villa, A/C, satellite TV, maid service, sleeps 30, warm climate, in Jew-hating country willing to provide government support, minimal police interference, freedom of movement, Jacuzzi, local drug trade, nearby Arabic restaurants preferred. Willing to pay in $US. Month-to-month lease. Mahmoud, xxx-xx-xxx-xxxx.
As the ?deal? to end the month-long standoff at Bethlehem's Church of the Nativity is put into practice, it's hard to tell where the comedy ends and reality begins. Rather than extradite 13 senior-level terrorists taking up sanctuary there on trial, Israel has allowed them to be deported/exiled out of the country to whomever will agree to take them. Twenty-six other lower-level terrorists (perhaps only terrorists-in-training) have been deported to Gaza (where they'll no doubt change their ways and join the local Boy Scouts chapter).
The Bethlehem 13 are collectively wanted for organizing shooting attacks at Gilo and the Tunnels Road area, smuggling arms, building explosives, giving shelter to terrorists, planning two Jerusalem post-Bar Mitzvah suicide bombings (12 killed), the murders of Lt.-Col. Yehuda Edri, Sarit Amrani, and American citizen Avi Boaz, funding various attacks and weapons purchases, dispatching terrorists and the brutal lynching of Kobi Mandell and Yosef Ishran outside Tekoa last year. I might add that dental records were required to identify the latter two victims, due to the brutality of the murders. Not exactly the kind of neighbors you'd want to have moving in. Unless you're a mass murderer yourself.
The interim deal involves deporting the 13 to Cyprus, but that's just temporary - the final destination just hasn't been, well, finalized. Seems the Italians aren't so keen on having these 13 house guests after all, even if they wipe their blood-stained shoes when they come in the house. According to an interview with La Stampa, Italian Deputy Prime Minister Gianfranco Fini said "If we take in the 13 Palestinians we will expose our country to a series of serious risks". Would those be the risks of the terrorists themselves, their "students" or of others going after them, Mr. Fini? So, now Spain is being asked to take them. Jordan has already turned them down because (get this) they don't want to allow Palestinians to be "deported". This coming from a country whose population is at least half Palestinian. To complicate matters, Hamas has already threatened any country that would declare themselves ready to welcome them, again according to the Italian Deputy PM.
You really have to feel for these poor 13 terrorists. No respect. Imagine, you're just a fun-loving, easy-going, hard-working terrorist. You've been raised from the cradle to hate and kill Jews, you're indoctrinated through the Palestinian Authority school system and media to keep on the task, you get recruited, equipped, trained and funded by Yasser to kill as many Jews as possible, and build up an impressive terror C.V. Naturally, with your kind of talent, you rise through the ranks (these guys are the recruiters and outfitters, not the poor fools who have to blow themselves up), serve Yasser Arafat well, and what do you have to show for it? Exile. Unbelievable, nobody seems to want you! Granted, since you're fortunate to have a democratic, law-abiding state like Israel to deal with, you get to live, just deported from your fellow terrorists, instead of being lynched, hung upside down, or put before a firing squad (or all of the above, like the fate that awaits supposed "collaborators" with Israel).
Well, if exile it is, (or at least until they can take a flight to a friendlier country), then at least let's make the best of it. I can almost picture them going over the travel brochures now. What these guys need is an agent, and take the best offer with the best possible location deal, plus if they're lucky, autobiographical book proceeds, a movie screenplay, not to mention prime billing in Palestinian Authority textbooks, and perhaps a visiting scholarship to Harvard or Yale (the Terrorist-in-Residence Program). If that approach doesn't work out, you've still got lots of choice. Where can you feel most comfortable, and fit right in to the surrounding culture, if you want, or perhaps be celebrated for your heroism? Well, for starters, there's Saudi Arabia, Wahabism exporter extraordinaire, funder of terrorists around the world, home base of the September 11 bombers, and supporters of Palestinian suicide bombers. Nope, maybe a little too close to home, the bosses might be a bit too restrictive. But wait, what about Syria, the leading rejectionist state in the region, surrogate ruler of Lebanon, sponsor of Hezbollah? Naw, no beaches, no internet, lousy TV reception. Well, then what about Iraq or Iran? Surely Saddam or the "moderate" Ayatollah Khatami would welcome you with open arms, maybe even promote you to a senior military rank and send you around the world to spread your training? Maybe they'd even cut you in on some opium trade action or weapons shipments. No, on second thought, these regimes are just a little too precarious say the wrong thing, and you'd be better off back in Bethlehem. North Korea? Nope, still got that self-inflicted famine going on. Sudan no beaches. Afghanistan? Too dangerous for now, plus you'd be a little fish in a big pond there too much competition. Cuba? Great beaches, but a little too close to the Guantanamo Bay crowd and the Americans. Egypt no, they keep the Islamic Brotherhood a little too much in check.
Wait, what about Europe? Sure, the weather's colder than the Middle East, but at least you'd be surrounded by adoring ultra-left intellectuals who support the Palestinian "right of return", not to mention millions of your fellow Muslim immigrants in need of some serious training besides, you'd blend right in, no one would notice you. What about Brussels, home of the super-dovish, naive European Union, the PA's most reliable funder and protector? Nope, NATO's also got its HQ there. Well, then, what about Geneva, close to Arafat's Swiss Bank accounts why, you could visit your money every day if you wished to, plus the UN and great five-star restaurants to boot? England, now there's a promising place, with violent sports like rugby and soccer and hooligans no, on second thought, forget it British food. France, now that looks promising lots of Muslim immigrants, good track record of anti-Jewish attacks and government non-response, good food. Maybe Marseilles, or Nice closer to Monte Carlo, good weather, fewer synagogues left there now.
Hey, wasn't the Canadian Prime Minister, whatsisname, hinting about applying as Canadian refugees? Decisions, decisions. Oh, what's a poor terrorist to do?
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Jordan Max is a freelance humorist living in Ontario, Canada.
As the ?deal? to end the month-long standoff at Bethlehem's Church of the Nativity is put into practice, it's hard to tell where the comedy ends and reality begins. Rather than extradite 13 senior-level terrorists taking up sanctuary there on trial, Israel has allowed them to be deported/exiled out of the country to whomever will agree to take them. Twenty-six other lower-level terrorists (perhaps only terrorists-in-training) have been deported to Gaza (where they'll no doubt change their ways and join the local Boy Scouts chapter).
The Bethlehem 13 are collectively wanted for organizing shooting attacks at Gilo and the Tunnels Road area, smuggling arms, building explosives, giving shelter to terrorists, planning two Jerusalem post-Bar Mitzvah suicide bombings (12 killed), the murders of Lt.-Col. Yehuda Edri, Sarit Amrani, and American citizen Avi Boaz, funding various attacks and weapons purchases, dispatching terrorists and the brutal lynching of Kobi Mandell and Yosef Ishran outside Tekoa last year. I might add that dental records were required to identify the latter two victims, due to the brutality of the murders. Not exactly the kind of neighbors you'd want to have moving in. Unless you're a mass murderer yourself.
The interim deal involves deporting the 13 to Cyprus, but that's just temporary - the final destination just hasn't been, well, finalized. Seems the Italians aren't so keen on having these 13 house guests after all, even if they wipe their blood-stained shoes when they come in the house. According to an interview with La Stampa, Italian Deputy Prime Minister Gianfranco Fini said "If we take in the 13 Palestinians we will expose our country to a series of serious risks". Would those be the risks of the terrorists themselves, their "students" or of others going after them, Mr. Fini? So, now Spain is being asked to take them. Jordan has already turned them down because (get this) they don't want to allow Palestinians to be "deported". This coming from a country whose population is at least half Palestinian. To complicate matters, Hamas has already threatened any country that would declare themselves ready to welcome them, again according to the Italian Deputy PM.
You really have to feel for these poor 13 terrorists. No respect. Imagine, you're just a fun-loving, easy-going, hard-working terrorist. You've been raised from the cradle to hate and kill Jews, you're indoctrinated through the Palestinian Authority school system and media to keep on the task, you get recruited, equipped, trained and funded by Yasser to kill as many Jews as possible, and build up an impressive terror C.V. Naturally, with your kind of talent, you rise through the ranks (these guys are the recruiters and outfitters, not the poor fools who have to blow themselves up), serve Yasser Arafat well, and what do you have to show for it? Exile. Unbelievable, nobody seems to want you! Granted, since you're fortunate to have a democratic, law-abiding state like Israel to deal with, you get to live, just deported from your fellow terrorists, instead of being lynched, hung upside down, or put before a firing squad (or all of the above, like the fate that awaits supposed "collaborators" with Israel).
Well, if exile it is, (or at least until they can take a flight to a friendlier country), then at least let's make the best of it. I can almost picture them going over the travel brochures now. What these guys need is an agent, and take the best offer with the best possible location deal, plus if they're lucky, autobiographical book proceeds, a movie screenplay, not to mention prime billing in Palestinian Authority textbooks, and perhaps a visiting scholarship to Harvard or Yale (the Terrorist-in-Residence Program). If that approach doesn't work out, you've still got lots of choice. Where can you feel most comfortable, and fit right in to the surrounding culture, if you want, or perhaps be celebrated for your heroism? Well, for starters, there's Saudi Arabia, Wahabism exporter extraordinaire, funder of terrorists around the world, home base of the September 11 bombers, and supporters of Palestinian suicide bombers. Nope, maybe a little too close to home, the bosses might be a bit too restrictive. But wait, what about Syria, the leading rejectionist state in the region, surrogate ruler of Lebanon, sponsor of Hezbollah? Naw, no beaches, no internet, lousy TV reception. Well, then what about Iraq or Iran? Surely Saddam or the "moderate" Ayatollah Khatami would welcome you with open arms, maybe even promote you to a senior military rank and send you around the world to spread your training? Maybe they'd even cut you in on some opium trade action or weapons shipments. No, on second thought, these regimes are just a little too precarious say the wrong thing, and you'd be better off back in Bethlehem. North Korea? Nope, still got that self-inflicted famine going on. Sudan no beaches. Afghanistan? Too dangerous for now, plus you'd be a little fish in a big pond there too much competition. Cuba? Great beaches, but a little too close to the Guantanamo Bay crowd and the Americans. Egypt no, they keep the Islamic Brotherhood a little too much in check.
Wait, what about Europe? Sure, the weather's colder than the Middle East, but at least you'd be surrounded by adoring ultra-left intellectuals who support the Palestinian "right of return", not to mention millions of your fellow Muslim immigrants in need of some serious training besides, you'd blend right in, no one would notice you. What about Brussels, home of the super-dovish, naive European Union, the PA's most reliable funder and protector? Nope, NATO's also got its HQ there. Well, then, what about Geneva, close to Arafat's Swiss Bank accounts why, you could visit your money every day if you wished to, plus the UN and great five-star restaurants to boot? England, now there's a promising place, with violent sports like rugby and soccer and hooligans no, on second thought, forget it British food. France, now that looks promising lots of Muslim immigrants, good track record of anti-Jewish attacks and government non-response, good food. Maybe Marseilles, or Nice closer to Monte Carlo, good weather, fewer synagogues left there now.
Hey, wasn't the Canadian Prime Minister, whatsisname, hinting about applying as Canadian refugees? Decisions, decisions. Oh, what's a poor terrorist to do?
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Jordan Max is a freelance humorist living in Ontario, Canada.