Staring at my phone trying to put my thoughts and emotions into words. Failing.
Today is the sentencing of the terrorist who murdered my big brother, Ari.
My family is going to the courthouse. I am not. I can’t. I am not made of the same DNA as them. I am weaker.
The thought of looking that 16-year-old terrorist in the eye scares the daylights out of me. I know it would mean months of demons and nightmares. Months, if not more.
They say nothing will bring him back and I know that’s a cliche but there is a reason it’s a cliche. It’s because it’s so deeply accurate and real.
Of course I want this terrorist to sit in jail for the rest of his life but what will that actually accomplish? It’ll prevent him from doing it again. But it won’t bring back Ari’s energy or his passion. So while my brain says I hope he gets the most severe sentencing possible, my heart is, at least on some level, indifferent. “What does it really matter?” I keep asking myself.
This event, that day, it was traumatic by any and all definitions, but what no one really talks about, and is much worse than the actual trauma, are the after effects.
The effects on the family, but more difficult for me is the effect on my soul.
Due to many events in my personal life over the past few months, I’m learning to get to know myself better than I ever cared to before and it is clear to me that that day, even though I thought I could handle the pain at the time, opened up a massive emotional can of worms.
Not ashamed to admit it, and I’ve discussed it before, but therapy is now a thing in my life. I didn’t do therapy after Ari was murdered. I patched up the pain with work. I jumped right back in. That was highly unintelligent of me.
So yeah, deep sadness I need to deal with.
I guess I’m writing this post, which is clearly TMI, with the hope that maybe one person going through a really rough time because of our current situation, will feel a bit less shame knowing they are not alone.
Or maybe I’m writing it for me because it’s therapeutic. Who knows why I’m writing it? All I know is that I felt a need to write it.
I know I’m supposed to say that I hope that monster rots in jail but really, all I am truly hoping for is some comfort from this sadness, some way to stop feeling this.
I hope the sentencing brings some justice. 😔