Purim Satire: Israel, Arabs to Switch Sides
by Gil Ronen
(IsraelNN.com) The holiday of Purim which falls today and Saturday is one of Judaism's most joyous holidays. Arutz Sheva presents a Purim satire piece:
The Israeli government and the leaders of 22 Arab states have agreed to implement a revolutionary agreement, known as the Purim Accord, in which they switch sides: Israelis will occupy the territories of 22 Arab countries currently in existence, and the Arabs from those countries will move to Israel. The accord was brokered by U.S. President George W. Bush, who called it "a humungous step forwards, for humanity and for people in general."
The agreement, a draft of which was initialed by the parties Friday morning, is the result of secret negotiations that began during the Annapolis conference last November. IsraelNationalNews has learned that the talks that were held in Jerusalem and Ramallah between Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni and PA negotiators were just a ruse to throw the media off the scent of the real story: all this time, Israeli, American and Arab negotiation teams have been hammering out the true accord in an underground bunker in Annapolis, Maryland, with occasional breaks for table tennis and kosher shawarma.
Jews to get oil
Jews holding Israeli citizenship will be dispersed among the 22 Arab states in numbers proportional to the state' sizes. Large territories like Libya, Saudi Arabia and Iraq will be allotted about 500,000 Jews each, and smaller countries like Kuwait and Bahrain will receive a population in the tens of thousands. Control of all national resources, including oil wells, will be transferred to the new Jewish governments. The IDF will redeploy in the Arab countries and the Arab armies will redeploy within pre-1967 Israel. Arabs will live in the Jewish communities in Judea and Samaria but will have to vacate their homes in the ancient Jewish cities of Hevron and Shechem. These will be set aside for American Jews, in the hope that some of them may find the prospect of moving into an oil-rich Jewish super-state tempting.
Only Jews will be allowed to pray on the Temple Mount. Arabs who try to pray on the Mount will be arrested.
Jews will enjoy autonomy in Judea, Samaria and Gaza. Arabs who lived in refugee camps in Arab countries will be placed in alternative refugee camps in former Israel, just in case the accord goes sour and the sides have to switch back again (Arab leaders explained that they had invested billions, over the decades, in keeping the Palestinians poor and full of hatred, and could not throw the investment away just like that). They will most likely move into Tel Aviv's crumbling southern neighborhoods, which currently house Jewish refugees from Arab states.
Medina for Dimona
Arabs will be allowed to keep Mecca and Medina for themselves. In return, the Jews will retain control of Dimona, which holds a textile plant they hold sacred.
The first five years of the accord's implementation will involve the accelerated construction of high-rise towers to hold the large Arab population that will move into Israel. Arab villages will cease building private two- and three-story houses, and will utilize their land reserves for building skyscrapers.
King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, who was the moving spirit behind the negotiations, told news agencies that the new arrangement will not be limited in time. The idea behind the accord is simple, he said: "We Arabs have seen that territory is not the problem. After all, the Israeli economy is stronger than that of any Arab state, despite the fact that the Jews have such a small sliver of land. It is barely visible on the globe!", he said, chuckling. "We want the Jews to experience the humiliation of being occupied by a colonial power, and so we will switch sides willingly. We are sure that after only a few years of this arrangement, the Jews will ask for Tel Aviv back and give us what we want."
Qaddafi gets his way
Diplomatic sources in Jerusalem told IsraelNationalNews that the secret talks at Annapolis hit a snag in January when Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi demanded that Libya be given control of the Israeli fashion industry. Qaddafi, whose flair for stylish outfits is well known, was adamant that no other Arab country be given a foothold in this sector. His demand led to some tension with Jordan's King Abdullah who had promised his wife Queen Rania control of the lucrative fashion trade. In the end, Rania settled for control of the Diamond Exchange in Ramat Gan.
One unsolved problem still threatens the accord's implementation: Israel's leftist population, represented at the talks by author Amos Oz, is unwilling to move into Arab countries, because it considers the option "immoral." On the other hand, it is adamant that it will not stay in the former Israel with the Arabs, for reasons it declined to specify. A possible solution for this conundrum may be in the works, however: the leftists seem receptive to the possibility of relocating to the territory of Sodom, near the Dead Sea, which will be placed under U.N. control. Negotiations are currently focusing on the question of how many TV channels the leftist paradise will have and on the number of housekeepers and masseurs who will be allocated to former Supreme Court justices and theater directors.
Meretz neighborhood
Sodom's main income is expected to pour in from a diamond-studded multi-level cinema complex which will feature 24 hour screenings of movies about evil Israeli soldiers who fall in love with Arab women.
A special, exclusive neighborhood will be constructed for Jewish Meretz Party voters, whose numbers are currently estimated at about 2,000 strong (including the Olmert clan). Meretz head Chaim Oron is demanding a guarantee that no Arabs or hareidi-religious Jews ever visit the neighborhood or come within 10 kilometers of it.
Official celebration of the accord will begin next week, once Jews recover from the Purim festivities. Purim is celebrated by the Jews with wine, song, costumes and silly pranks.
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