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Old Friends

By Tzvi Fishman
2/20/2011, 12:00 AM

Yesterday, I was shooting the breeze with a friend, reminiscing about old times, when he told me about his family and cronies back in America.

His brother married a non-Jewish girl. To placate his distressed parents, they arranged for a Conservative “conversion,” and they go through the motions of celebrating some holidays, but his brother rarely visits Israel, and his nephews have no interest at all in the country.

His sister married a Christian turned scientologist, and they disappeared into the prairies west of the Rocky Mountains, only getting in touch with his parents when they run out of funds.

His two cousins on his father’s side of the family all married gentiles. They don’t belong to any Jewish movement at all, and things like brit milah and bar mitzvahs are not even mentioned.

Miraculously, one of his cousins on his mother’s side married a Jew, but they got divorced after a few years, and he remarried a Protestant librarian. Another cousin is a homosexual who never married. And the girl of the family has already chewed up and spit out three former husbands, all of them shagetzes of one form or another. Needless to say none of them has ever visited Israel.

Out of all of his second cousins, to the best of his knowledge, not one of them married a Jew, and none ever visited Israel.

When it comes to his old Jewish buddies, his best friend from high school married a gentile and believes liberally in all religions and creeds. His longtime roommate from college, a star tennis player, married a shiksa cheerleader who left him with a bad case of venereal disease when she took off with one of her old football jocks. Another dear Jewish friend married a well-meaning Barbi who is gung-ho on raising their two gentile kids Jewish, with bar mitzvahs and trips to Israel to boot.

My family situation isn’t much different than my friend’s. But thank G-d, my brother married a Jew, and his daughter married a Jew, whose sister recently married a fine Japanese boy. As far as my cousins go, it’s a total Tzunami. And as far as my old friends are concerned – G-d have mercy on their souls.

Old Friends Who Married Mrs. Robinson's Daughters
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So whenever I hear that America is a great place for Jews, I cry. The truth is, it’s a total wipe out. By and large, the Orthodox are getting by in their little Jewish bubbles, not seeming to pay much attention to what’s going on with their brethren on the other side of town.

At least in Israel, no matter how far someone is from the religion, he or she marries a Jew. There are exceptions here and there, but they don’t even reach one percent. At least in this respect, it’s a good thing that the Arabs hate us. That way, even the most vocal lefties don’t end up marrying them. In contrast, in the Diaspora, wherever the Jews are “accepted,” they’re being literally loved to death by assimilation.

Thank G-d that Hashem miraculous saved me from the same awful fate. As the old saying says, “There, but for the grace of G-d, go I.”