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Thank G-d I'm Jewish!

By Tzvi Fishman
12/30/2009, 12:00 AM

People complain when I remind them of the mitzvah to make aliyah. They complain when I remind them not to watch porn. So let’s talk about something else. Let’s learn something about blessings. Every morning when we wake up, we thank G-d for not having made us a member of some other nation. Why? Here’s an example.

Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, is called Yom HaZicharon, the Day of Remembering.

A day of remembering G-d

In contrast, the gentile New Year’s is a day of forgetting, as the song says, “May old acquaintances be forgotten.”

"Where was I last night?"

The Jew seeks to remember G-d by making Kiddush.

A time of sanctification

The gentile seeks to forget Him by getting stoned drunk.

A time of forgetting who I was with

The Jews blow the shofar.

Blowing the shofar

The gentiles blow out their brains.

Blowing out one's brains

The Jews spends the day praying.

A time of prayer

The gentile spends the day puking.

A time of puking

On the Jewish New Year, Jews aren’t allowed to engage in sexual relations, even with their wives.

A day of purity

On New Year’s Eve, gentiles end up going home with anything that moves.

"Hey, baby, you're looking pretty good tonight!"

Blessed be the Almighty for making me a Jew!