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New National Leader Arises

By Tzvi Fishman
1/17/2008, 12:00 AM
Now that I have spent a few hours at the Jerusalem police station for demonstrating against the government, I am declaring myself a national leader. To this end, I am establishing a new political party that will be constituted, at the very beginning, by Americans who have come on aliyah. The Jews who came to Israel from Europe, and the Israeli generation that followed, have made a mess of things. Today, the country needs the idealism of the Jews who gave up the comforts of America to take a part in the building of Israel. A little good old fashion “American know how” can go a long way in cleaning up the mess that the Zionists, Pseudo Zionists, and Post Zionists have made. The main points of our platform will be:

*All Arabs must leave the Land of Israel.
*Any Israeli politician who voted in favor of Oslo or the Hitnatkut, or who promotes the Road Map Plan, will be brought to trial as a national traitor.
*Relations with the United States shall be suspended until Jonathan Pollard is freed.
*All atomic facilities in Iran will be immediately destroyed.
*Any missile launching on Israel will be met with a devastating retaliatory attack.
*Anyone who propagates leftist propaganda will be deported from the country.
*All missionaries will be tried in court for kidnapping and murder, and crucified on the Mount of Olives.
*The judges of the Supreme Court will be replaced by rabbis who will judge all cases according to Torah law.
*TV and radio will be shut down on Shabbat. Driving on Shabbat will result in license suspension.
*Women who dress immodestly will be fined. Repeated offenders will be imprisoned.
*All non-medical abortions will be forbidden.
*No woman will serve in the army.
*All secular newspapers will be shut down.
*Israeli television will be run by a board of rabbis, and Arutz7 will be the only authorized Internet news service.
*All computers will be equipped with anti-pornography filters.
*Teacher’s salaries will be doubled.
*Massive funds will be allotted to promote aliyah, and all Jews who refuse to immigrate to Israel within three years will forever forfeit their right of return.
*Haredim will donate the funds to rebuild Gush Katif, and they will do all of the hard labor or face imprisonment.

Readers are invited to submit names for the new party. Once a name is selected, a bank account will be opened, and donators can send their contributions directly to the account. Until party elections can be held, I will serve as acting head of the party.