Early this morning when I got in my car to drive to the mikvah, two police cars drove into my path blocking my way. Policemen rushed out of their cruisers and dragged me out of my car, confiscating the paintball rifles and paint in the trunk of my 1994 Masda. I was driven handcuffed to the Jerusalem Police Headquarters in the Russian Compound, fingerprinted, and dragged off to the nearby court building, where I was brought before a judge, to have my detention extended until the end of the police investigation.
The judge glanced through my file, read what looked like a few email print-outs, and examined the paintball equipment that had been taken from my car.
“Attempted assault and battery,” he said. “That’s a pretty severe charge, especially for someone who looks like a rabbi. Do you really believe that spraying women with paint will influence them to dress more modestly?”
“I never intended to spray any woman with paint,” I answered.
“Oh?” the judge responded. “Is that so? I suppose this blog that you wrote wasn’t really written by you, and these letters of complaint are speaking about someone else?”
“I wrote the blog, yes,” I admitted. “In order to metaphoricaly highlight the gravity of the situation where the holy women of Israel parade about the streets of Jerusalem in immodest attire – but I never intended to spray women with paint.”
“And just where were you headed this morning with paintball rifles and paint in the trunk of your car?” the judge wanted to know.
“To the hilltops of Yesha,” I answered, having had time to prepare my defense on the way to the jail.
“To the hilltops of Yesha?” the judge asked.
“Yes, sir, your honor, sir.”
“And what were you intending to do there?” he asked.
"The West Bank must be Judenrite."
“I was going to spray-paint the settlers,” I answered.
“Spray-paint the settlers?”
“Why were you going to do that?”
“After watching President Obama’s speech on TV, I realized he was right. The settlers are obstacles to peace. I wanted to spray them with yellow paint to make it easier for the police to identify them so they can all be arrested.”
Rounding up Jewish Settlers
“Hmmm,” the judge muttered. “That’s a brilliant idea!”
Angrily, he smashed his gavel loudly on the counter before him. “Why did you detain this man?!” he yelled at the arresting officers. “How wonderful it would be if all of our citizens were like him!”
Motioning me with his finger, he summoned me closer.
“You know the Europeans give large amounts of money to Peace Now to make things unpleasant for the settlers,” he confided in a whisper. “Why don’t you approach them with your scheme. They might give you the money to buy a helicopter so you can spray-paint entire settlements from the air.”
“That’s an excellent idea, your honor,” I told him.
“Give Mr. Fishman back his rifles and let him go!” the judge ordered. “And I rule that the State compensate him with a full day’s wages for the waste of time you’ve cause him.”
Once again, he banged down his gavel. “Next case!” he called.
By the time I got to the mikvah, it was 12 o’clock and the water was freezing. Kaparat avanot!
"The settlements must go!"