Daily Israel Report

Op-Ed: Oh What a Team!

This is the real World Cup. But who is that Russian immigrant deflecting the Palestinian shots? And why are the Israelis' hands tied behind their backs?
Published: Tuesday, July 06, 2010 5:25 PM


Dear fans, we are reporting from the football stadium in South Africa, where today, two teams – Israeli and Palestinian have assembled. The teams enter the field.

What is this? The Israeli team member’s hands are tied behind their backs! 

Now we have received the official explanation:  The hands of the Israelis were tied at the request of the Palestinian delegation. They received information that the Israelis are planning on cheating by using their hands!  Before the match, the Football Federation held an emergency meeting during which they condemned the Israeli team and recognized the legitimate demands of the Palestinian delegation. The FIFA President explained that since hands are not used during football play, this measure would not deter from the Israeli performance, and in addition, it would prevent them from violating the rules. 

In fact, one can expect anything from these sly Jews. 

The whistle blows, and the match begins! A Palestinian attacker receives the ball and rushes to the Israeli goal posts. An Israeli defender catches up with him and takes away the ball. The whistle sounds, the game is stopped. The Israeli defender receives a yellow card. But look! After giving the player a yellow card, the judge follows up with a second, red card, and removes the Israeli defender off the field. The stadium announcer declares that the Israeli player was disqualified for a disproportionate use of force in resolving the conflict. The stands roar with approval.

Now, the Israeli players exhibit traces of amiable correctness and allow the Palestinians to strike at their goal from any distance. But inside the Israeli goal stands a Russian immigrant, who first played in the Russian major league. He successfully deflects the shots of the Palestinians. The situation on the field is changing. The Israeli central striker gets the ball, passes a Palestinian defender, passes the second, third, enters the penalty area and shoots the ball. Goal! 

The Stands explode with an outraged and indignant cry. The captain of the Palestinian team approaches the referee and says something into his ear. The judge nods, and awards a free kick to the Palestinian team. The goal is not counted. 

We’ll wait for an explanation. Yes, we have received the official incident account. It turns out that the Palestinian goalie lives in the Gaza Strip, and the only Stadium there was bombed by the Israeli Air Force. The goalie therefore, had nowhere to train and, of course, under such circumstances he is not able to defend  the goal against a well trained Israeli striker. 

The Fans yell their support of the judge’s decision. The whistle sounds. The first half is over. The second half begins. There has been a change in the Palestinian line-up. As form of humanitarian assistance, FIFA has assigned a French goal-keeper, two British defenders and a Brazilian striker. The stadium joyfully welcomes this humanitarian gesture. 

The game begins. The Palestinians are on the offence, and breaking all the rules. Again, the Israeli goalkeeper saves the goal. Look what’s happening! The Israelis lead a sharp counter-attack, the situation is critical, goal!
Once again, the Palestinian captain approaches the referee and says something to him. The judge nods and the goal is not counted. He calls for the Israeli striker, shows him a red card, and sends him off the field.

I wonder what could it be this time? The stadium announcer declares that the Israeli striker lives in a settlement in the West bank, which is illegally occupied by Israel. Well, dear friends, I think we can all agree with the fair decision of the judge. Of course, Sport is outside of politics, but even at the World Cup, we cannot forget the suffering of the Palestinian people. The fans actively support the decision of the judge, shouting anti-Israeli slogans.

The game continues. Count is still "zero-zero”. The Brazilian striker takes the ball, and heads to the Israeli goal. An Israeli defender slide tackles the Brazilian (typical of Jews to attack from behind!).The Brazilian falls, the referee stops play and assigns a free-kick. The Israelis set up a defensive wall. The Palestinian captain whispers something to the referee. The referee nods and approaches the Israeli players. At the request of referee, the wall is dispersed, and the Brazilian striker is face to face with the Israeli goalkeeper. HE SHOOTS! HE MISSES! 

The Palestinian team members surround the Brazilian and explain to him in their own way that he was wrong… The Brazilian player is carried away by the field nurses. The ref, walks around collecting the discarded iron pipes and baseball bats. The stands erupt with cries of "Down with Zionist’s accomplice!" Yes, the Israelis have provoked a nasty confrontation.

After the match FIFA undoubtedly will require Israel to explain this tragic incident. In the meantime, we received an official message about why the judge removed the defensive wall of players during the free-kick. In the first half, this part of the field was Palestinian, and therefore, the Israelis have no right to build anything on it; surely a just decision. 

We are in the final minutes of the match.  The stands yell for a penalty kick to be given to the Palestinian team. The referee is trying hard, but he cannot find the right moment to award the penalty. The whistle blows, the game is over.

The score being nil-nil, the Palestinian national team has won the match!