Mr. Ed Was Not German-Bred

There was no closure for us this Purim, at least not in a revealed sense. Under the circumstances, it's essential that we Jews maintain our sense of humor.

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Ellen W. Horowitz

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"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." - Tom Waits

I'm a little reluctant to let go of Purim. I think it's a combination of the excessive wine and sugar stuck to my guts and the disastrous decrees still hanging over our heads.

There was no closure for us this Purim, at least not in a revealed sense. Under the circumstances, it's essential that we Jews maintain our sense of humor. So, while we're waiting for and working towards a positive outcome to this Megillah, let's poke some fun at a sobering reality.

The government continued with their psychological terror campaign against those citizens opposed to national suicide. It seems that the 5,000-6,000 strong, specially trained expulsion forces will be adding 50-60 German-bred horses to their ranks.

Forgive my ignorance, but outside of Mr. Ed, I had always thought that "a horse is a horse, of course, of course." For all I know, a German-bred horse is one raised on barrels of fermented hay. But I guess like sauerkraut and the last can of that Purim six-pack, German shepherds, German horses and Prince Harry have a tendency to bring up bad memories for some of us.

According to Assistant Commander Amos Carmeli of the police's Technological and Logistics Department, each horse is "the equivalent of 100 policemen."

This is not much of a compliment to those German-bred steeds, especially when you take into account the overall intelligence quotient and mentality of certain Israeli policemen.

But what the police department should take into account is that 100 Yesha-bred youth are the equivalent to 10,000 of their Tel Aviv-bred counterparts, and to about 1,000 policemen (and if we include the Hebron-bred youth, then the statistics are far more staggering).

The report also mentioned that new 4x4 Israeli-made Tomcar vehicles, which can climb stairs, will be deployed. Sounds like Ariel Sharon is preparing a full-scale invasion just a few tanks shy of Rommel's Panzer Division (but remember, they were eventually stopped, too).

I must interject here with a good word for Israeli-bred horses. Those animals can climb steps far better than I can (actually, considering the kind of shape I'm in, that's not saying much either).

Eleven years ago, I was participating in an anti-Oslo demonstration outside of then-President Ezer Weizmann's residence. When I arrived at the protest, all of my posters were abruptly confiscated by the police. I don't know why. All that was written on them was, "President Weizmann, We Want To Live!" At the end of the demo, I found them strewn on the ground in front of an apartment building. I proceeded to collect the placards - why waste good poster board? - when a mounted policeman yelled, "Don't touch those!" and his mare from hell (that would make her a nightmare) started galloping after me. This was surely a Bat Yam-bred horse.

Posters in hand, I quickly entered the building, ran up two short flights of steps and started frantically banging my fists on the door to the first apartment. As the horse charged through the entrance way and took the first flight with ease, a rather shocked, young couple opened the door and quickly let me in (yes, by that time it occurred to me that I should let go of the posters).

I waited ten minutes for the dreaded knock at the door, but it never came. I thanked my gracious, but startled, hosts and headed home.

"Some with chariots and some with horses; but we in the name of HaShem, our G-d, call out."

That being said, allow me to hold your hand as we descend several flights down to the subterranean corridors of the Knesset, where a different breed of terrifying creature resides. But be careful, as you don't want to step in any horsefeathers - and there were plenty flying this week.

It seems that the former Justice Minister and present head of the Shinui faction of the Knesset, Yosef (Tommy) Lapid, had a bit of a budgetary tiff with Yahad MK Zahava Gal-On over what some say was a 700-million-shekel bribe used to buy the votes that would save the government from possible collapse. (Note: Any resemblance to the case where the price of a Mitsubishi van was allegedly used to buy former Knesset member and recently convicted drug trafficker Gonen Segev's Oslo II vote is purely coincidental.)

But all's well that ends well, as Lapid, the self -professed European-bred gentleman, told Israel Radio: "If she didn't mean we are sons of whores, then neither did I mean to call her a whore. And if she did mean it, so did I."

That, my friends, is known as a Knesset apology, and Gal-On took it in stride. She called Tommy a "sexist, chauvinist, racist woman-hater."

I dunno about that label for Lapid, but a portion of it could certainly apply to the Knesset's veteran horse trader (try saying that term three times fast and I promise you that you'll pronounce it "horse traitor"), Shimon Peres. If you want to know how that man truly feels about this nation and his people, just look at how he treats his wife.

But first, some background.

Last October, Shimon Peres was responsible for causing international headlines from ABC to Al-Jazeera which screamed: "Israel's Peres 'Very Fearful' Extremists Could Try to Assassinate Sharon Due to Gaza Plan". A few months later, the Jerusalem Post reported that Shimon Peres was accusing Knesset members of "getting hysterical" unnecessarily.

"No one in this country has gotten more death threats than me," Peres said. "People have thrown sticks at me, they have thrown stones at me and they even put a bomb under my wife Sonia's car, and I never made a big deal out of it."

One short, revealing paragraph about the man, his ego, priorities and intentions. He must love his wife a lot (for what it's worth, Sonia, I would have made a big deal about it).

But did anyone every hear about such an incident? Who is the "they" that purportedly placed a bomb? Is this loaded, subliminal incitement or an outright lie? If "they" implies opponents to Oslo and all that it wrought (including the current Disengagement Plan and Roadmap), then I would ask Mr. Peres or the Israeli police to produce some documentation on the incident.

So much for our home-grown horses, Knesset whores and horse traders.

As for the foreign elements among us, well, German-bred horses are the least of my worries. I'm more concerned about the Trojan kind. I'm not referring to the big wooden one of ancient days, nor to the little, unseen cyber-viruses that can wreak havoc on your personal computer. No, I'm talking about the ones that enter Israel via America in an official US government capacity.

I call them boychiks from the White house. They have Jewish last names and feign pro-Zionism, but their agenda is hardly in Israel's best interests, as they pledge allegiance to a different flag. Go ask US Ambassador to Israel, Daniel Kurtzer. He oughta' know. Or else you can review a pre-election article I once wrote, which made a few waves at the time. It's called "John, George or Judah".

There is another breed of horse that's neither here nor there, and is in danger of real extinction. You've heard of horses that jump the fence; well, this type rides the fence. AIPAC and their dual-loyalty strategy should have been put out to pasture long ago, but now it looks like they could be headed for the glue factory. And it's ironic, because they tried so long and so hard to avoid the sticky issues.

It seems that one lesson derived from this Purim is that the Jews in the Diaspora and in Israel share a common destiny, whether we like it or not.

"Do not imagine that you will be able to escape in the king's palace any more than the rest of the Jews." (Megillat Esther 4:13)


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