March, 2006: Washington, DC - President John Kerry's National Security Advisor Amy Carter has today given the Administration's imprimatur to Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's latest plan for the temporary evacuation of Israel.



Sharon's design calls for the phased relocation of (Jewish) Israelis to a series of islands (primarily) around the world, "where it is hoped their presence will cause minimum friction to the native populations," while the details of a conclusive Arab-Israeli peace are reached. The new enterprise has already received approval from Israel's Communist Part, Meretz, Labor, Shinui and fully 40% of the Likud Central Committee. Only hard-line, hawkish elements - mostly representing settlers - oppose this plan, which will be executed swiftly, in a nine-month time frame. When the full evacuation is complete, Arab diplomats have committed to signing a comprehensive peace between "the Arab states and the virtual Jewish one."



Israeli exile communities around the world have also agreed to absorb numbers of their brethren who will not fit in Micronesia, Madagascar, Tonga, Fiji, Trinidad & Tobago, and selected Greek Islands. (A side-clause in the agreement has the Greek government generously leasing these islands to the Virtual State of Israel, all in the name of Attorney Dov Weisglass, except for one in the name of Hatuli, the Prime Minister's pet cat). The Great Synagogue of the Grand Bahama is being busily refurbished with the help of funds from the Saudi Embassy in Washington.



The EU is helping with funding. The Russian government has agreed to reabsorb a selected number of scientists and businessmen.



Homes and properties in Virtual Israel are to be maintained by a select Committee for Housekeeping & Janitorial Preservation, a special commission formed at the UN under the auspices of Secretary General Kofi Anan, who said, "I was too busy while in Rwanda to stop genocide, but I am never too busy to help remove the sources of provocation and instability in the Middle East, towards a brighter future for all."



The Committee's monitors, a group of enlightened and influential Diaspora Jews from the artistic and entertainment communities, will rotate in and out of Virtual Israel to ensure that no looting, swastika-scrawling or other untoward events occur until there is peace, and eventual Jewish repopulation of Israel proper. Richard Dreyfus and Jason Alexander have volunteered for the first rotation.



Israel's army will be dismantled. Soldiers will be given six-pointed symbols to attach to their civilian clothing so they (and others) may identify themselves while in exile. NSA Advisor Carter explained that she was "happy to bring my father's dreams to fruition. The former president is keen on the reduction of tension," Ms. Carter said on Larry King's TV interview program.



The genteel (though not Gentile) aging interviewer gave his own seal of approval, hunching forward with his kind face tucked in his palm. "For those of us who love Israel from afar," he told the NSA chief, "our dreams are about to come true."



This reporter attempted to reach Israel's Prime Minister for comment, but Mr. Sharon's office was reported to be "somewhere between Crete and Rhodes."



Meanwhile, the US government has pledged its full resources to the plan, and a new unit of the FBI and Homeland Security has been tasked to track any likely resistance to the plan by fringe or right-wing American Jews. The president has kept a low-profile, but he is known to be closely attached to Israel (his grandfather, an immigrant from Bohemia, was himself born Jewish), and eager to usher in a new era in which "military action against terror will be followed by the requisite concomitant diplomatic steps."



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