I was not sure what to do or how to feel. The eleventh of Cheshvan had arrived and it was the matriarch Rachel?s yahrzeit, the anniversary of the Rabin assassination, and my husband?s birthday. Should I be reflective, mourn or celebrate? And if the kids and I greet my husband with balloons and a cake later today, will I be arrested for incitement, excitement or inappropriate behavior?



It was not the first time that the marking of occasions or memorials for individuals has left me at a loss...



While studying art and design back in 1978, I had an assignment in illustration class to draw a portrait of a person whom I admired and believed would go down in history. For a full week I drew a blank, and so I asked the instructor if it would be okay if I opted to illustrate a personality whom I despised - but who I was sure would go down in history. A week later, Yasser Arafat graced my canvas board, flanked by an Israeli soldier carrying a victim of the Ma?alot massacre; an old Jewish woman clinging to a gravestone; and some victorious gun-wielding Fatah guys on a hill.



Meanwhile, in painting class, I began a commemorative portrait of Menachem Begin and Anwar Sadat - to mark the Camp David Accords and the ushering in of an era of peace. The painting wasn?t going as smoothly as I had planned. Something about it just didn?t look or feel right. I was unable to capture the exhilaration of the historic moment and so, in a fit of artistic frustration, I obliterated the piece with a frenzied palette knife and some fatal strokes of a brush. As a finishing touch, I dry-brushed some bloodied feathers falling from the dove that was hovering above the two leaders.



Feeling rather disgusted with myself, I nevertheless shlepped Begin, Sadat and Arafat to class for two humiliating critiques. The instructors winced and the class was silent. Artists want the audience to react, even if it?s scathing criticism. To a creative person, no response is worse than death. It was a bad couple of weeks for this painter, but I photographed the works for posterity, before throwing them into the pile of failed artistic endeavors.



Twenty-five years ago, somewhere deep in the heart of a liberal, Reform Jewish University student, was truth. But I casually disregarded the gut feelings and chalked them up to a common creative block. Now that I?m older and wiser, I know that when I feel that familiar gnawing in my heart and the creative juices stop flowing, or gush in an ominous direction, then it?s time to explore and examine the issues.



I found myself digging around for the old negatives of those discarded works the other day. You see, I?m haunted by the past and its startling intrusion into our present. Take a look, the headlines are full of ghosts...



Seems that a European Union Poll found that 59 percent of 7,500 Europeans surveyed called Israel a larger threat to world peace than North Korea or Iran. C?mon, that?s got to alarm even the most extreme adherent of the ?everything?s gonna be okay? philosophy.



Remember, this comes on the heels of the Malaysian PM?s speech at the Islamic Conference Summit, in which he proclaimed that ?Jews rule the world.... and the world's 1.3 billion Muslims should unite... for a final victory.?



Which in turn drew the following ominous reaction from the Egyptian Foreign Minister: ?I think it was a shrewd and very deep assessment of the situation.?



But wait, we?re not finished yet. Dark tunnels continue to emanate from Egypt, as this week, Egypt?s senior religious authority, Grand Sheikh of al-Azhar, Tantawi, elevated suicide bombers to the standing of martyrs.



Arafat is reportedly ready to talk peace again. Ever read his bio? The prince of darkness was born (with a silver spoon in his mouth, on August 29, 1929) and bred in Cairo. He?s nothing more than a bad will ambassador from Egypt, in charge of their chief export - terror.



I hardly derive comfort knowing that Dr. Mohamed el-Baradei heads the International Atomic Energy Commission and is responsible for keeping nations like North Korea and Iran in line. He?s an Egyptian national, who began his illustrious career as part of the Egyptian Ministry of Foreign Affairs in 1964, under President Gamal Abdel Nasser (remember him, the guy who swore he?d throw the Jews into the sea?).



National Geographic saw fit to feature the Egyptian sun god on this month?s cover. Meanwhile, it seems that Pharaoh is back. Now, you may think nothing of a 3,000-year-old mummy by the name of Ramses returning to Egypt, but it made big waves on the banks of the Nile. The mummy was welcomed back home with songs and a military band. During a ceremony at the national museum in Cairo, a group of Egyptian schoolchildren stood by the coffin and sang, ?We are the sons of the Nile. Welcome Ramses, the builder of esteemed Egypt.?



I wonder what would happen if Israeli children went on a frenzy and cremated the old Pharaoh?s resting place the same way Palestinian youth burnt and desecrated Joseph?s tomb three weeks ago. It should be noted that Moses, personally searched for Joseph¹s remains, found them in the Nile, and carried those bones with him - out of Egypt - in order to keep an ancient promise.



Anybody who doesn?t think that we?re living through epic times had better read their Bible. Whether taught by a rebbe in cheder or by a nun in Sunday school, Basic Bible 101 is coming to life, and if you can?t see that, then you?re simply not looking (or perhaps you?re the zombie).



America is busy slugging it out in Babylon. Israel keeps trying to appease Amalek. Ishmael has switched into high gear, and Pharaoh?s praises are being sung on the Nile. Sounds like another sequel to Return of the Mummy. But I have a theory that if it?s stranger than fiction, then it?s probably true.



I can?t locate the source, but I once read that in the end of days, Pharaoh and Nebuchadnezzar will be resurrected so that they can derive comfort from witnessing the destruction of Edom - a force far more powerful than their armies were. Well, Pharaoh has returned and I hear that Saddam Hussein?s portraits and posters are making a comeback in Iraq (it seems Saddam always considered himself the reincarnation of Nebuchadnezzer), but where is Moses when you need him?



Before Moshe made the fateful decision to kill the Egyptian, who was brutally beating the Israelite, ?he looked back and forth and saw that there was no one there.? According to our sages, Moshe could see into the future and was able to perceive whether or not this Egyptian would have any worthy descendants, and he found none. We obviously don?t have the prophetic abilities of Moshe Rabbenu, but as Jews, we have ingrained within us the foundations of Torah and the teachings of our Prophets and Sages. When faced with critical decisions, we are required to engage in a thought process that involves deep consideration of the consequences of our actions on both a large and small scale. We have the potential to be able to incorporate the past, present and future, in order to perceive reality, truth and to make wise choices.



Next time we enter negotiations with our enemies via the prodding of our American and European ?friends?, we?d better take a tip from Moshe, and take a good look and carefully consider the commitments made to our ancestors, to our children and to our G-d before we turn our backs on our inheritance, and negotiate away a G-d given gift. Or, before we shake the hands of any leader emanating from Egypt.



The day wound down and Rachel continued to weep for her children. There were those who continued to weep for Rabin. As for me, well, I had a cake to bake.