We have discovered that there were actually several chapters in the Biblical book of Joshua that were lost for millennia and only recently rediscovered.
We bring them to you here for the first time:
And after conquering many of the lands of the Canaanites, Joshua came to speak with the Lord and said unto him: Oh Lord we seem to be having "failure to communicate" with the Children of Israel. And the Lord asked: Tell Me, My son, what seems to be the problem? And Joshua said to the Lord: Well, things were going just fine at first. We were kicking Canaanite butt right and left and they were everywhere in flight. Victory was in sight. But then the Israelites sent a secret delegation to them with a proposal for a change in plans. We wish to reach a compromise with the pagans and Canaanites, they told me. Yep, I know it is hard for You to believe, but these Children of Israel demanded that we stop the campaign to conquer our promised land in the middle and instead seek a territorial compromise - by splitting the Land of Israel fifty-fifty with the pagan savages. They are demanding that we offer the Canaanites half of our country and our lands, including the territories holding most of the holy sites and shrines from the Patriarchs in Shiloh, Bethel, Hebron and Bethlehem.
You are not just yanking My chain here Joshua? asks the Lord in amazement.
I am serious, oh Lord. But it gets even worse. These people are suggesting we let the Canaanites organize their own militias and army, right here in Jericho, Shechem and Hebron. They claim these militias will be used to suppress the real Canaanite radicals and terrorists. They then want the Levites to collect a tithe of the income and property of the Israelites and hand it over to the Canaanites as well, as some sort of tribute or compensation with which they can buy weapons. Our peace lobbyists claim they want to swap land for peace with the pagans. And they even want to let the Canaanites set up altars of their own inside Jerusalem and prevent our people from entering Mount Moriah.
Now hold on to your heifers there, Joshua, speaks the Voice. I thought We had an understanding. I thought Moses had made it clear to these people that their job is to impose their sovereignty over the entire area I promised them. They have no right to "compromise" with My Land. They have no permission to trade "land for peace". Their job is to exercise the military option and to achieve unchallenged victory. The only compromise they are authorized to offer the Canaanites is to demand their unconditional surrender, and maybe allow them to hold commuting day jobs as cutters of wood and drawers of water after that.
Hey, I am on Your side, oh Lord, answers Joshua. But what can I do? The tribesmen claim they held an election and the "peace camp" won. Then they held more elections and the opponents of the appeasements won, but instantly morphed into new "peace camp" appeasers and defeatists.
We will see about that, answers the Lord ominously. If these stiff-necked dorks refuse to see reason, if they refuse to take the initiative and impose their sovereignty over the entire territories and lands that have been granted to them by Me, then We will have to take measures that leave them with no choice but to declare war and fight the savages. We will have to create the conditions under which they have no choice but to attack the Canaanites, to use military force, and to achieve victory.
Hey, You're the Boss, says Joshua. You show the way.
And the days pass and the Canaanites begin to snipe at the passing Israelites with blowguns and crossbows.
Ah You clever One, says Joshua to the Lord. Surely, this will bring them to their senses. Surely now they will realize there can be no territorial compromise with the pagans and that the only way to deal with them is through military initiative and conquest.
But lo, the days go by and the Israelite tribal chiefs simply expand their dialogue and talks with the Canaanite terrorist leaders.
It is not working, oh Great One, says Joshua. We will see about that, responds the Almighty.
In the coming days, the Canaanites escalate their conflict. They start sending epistle bombs, consisting of parchment wrapped around explosives, to homes of the Israelites. They invade several villages of Israelites and burn down their homes. They fire catapults randomly into Israelite civilian tents and homes.
Any progress yet, Joshua? asks the Lord. Alas no, answers Joshua, they are responding to these new atrocities by demanding that we turn over even more territory to the savages and give them more chariots and weapons. Time to turn up the heat some more, says the Lord. This will surely put the fight into them and fire in their bellies.
In the coming days the Canaanites send out gangs of assassins to roam the roads and fields of the Israelites and to murder them. But, Joshua explains, even this is not producing the needed change. The Israelite leaders suggest that giving up their national flags and psalms and instead adopt new Post-Zionist ones that are less offensive to Canaanite sensitivities. They teach Canaanite poetry, "narratives", and philosophy in their schools. Israelite peace activists teach that it is important to mourn the tragedy that has befallen the Canaanites from the Israelite migration across the Jordan. Several teachers in Israelite universities erect Canaanite flags and banners with images of Baal and Moloch on them.
You don't seriously mean to tell Me that the morons are still trying to make peace with the murdering barbarians? the Lord asks Joshua. Maybe You should have given them some more common sense and IQ points back in their Sinai wanderings and a bit less quails, suggests Joshua helpfully. No more Mister Nice Guy, answers the Almighty.
The Canaanites escalate further. They place large bombs aboard the public transit chariots of the Israelites. They murder Israelite children. They blow up Israelite universities and nightclubs. They murder Israelites engaged in the Passover sacrifice in Netanya. They scream that they will annihilate the Israelites. They demand that pagan volunteers from all over the world join in the campaign of annihilation. They dress up their own people, including their children, with explosives beneath their robes and place camel bombs in the Israelite marketplaces. The campaign of atrocities makes the Plagues against Egypt start to seem like children's games. The carnage continues, all as part of the Divine program to force the Israelites to take up arms, to impose their will on the savages, to defeat them militarily and to exercise sovereignty.
The Lands of Israel become the Valley of the Shadow of Death. The Divine re-education of the Israelites proceeds with no stopping. They will be goaded into military victory over the Canaanites or My name is not oh-you-know-what, comes a Voice from the Tabernacle.
Months go by and turn into years. The carnage toll rises. Not a single family of Israelites remains untouched. And when things could not possibly go on even a day longer, the Israelite tribal leaders at last come up with a plan for action and present it to Joshua.
Ok, Son of Nun, they tell Joshua, we have decided to accept the Road Map being proposed by the President of the Tarshishians, with a unilateral cease-fire combined with goodwill measures towards the Canaanites, plus an offer to recognize an independent Canaanite state with Mount Moriah as its Capital, plus new talks at the White Pyramid overseas. In the meantime, we will allow the Canaanites to operate their diplomatic altars in Jerusalem, while we disarm ourselves further to show we seriously seek peace. We will issue an apology to any Canaanites that might have been killed by our troops while shooting back at attacking Amalekite hordes. And our elected Nasi will announce that we are the Occupiers of land that is not ours and that Occupation is bad.
We bring them to you here for the first time:
And after conquering many of the lands of the Canaanites, Joshua came to speak with the Lord and said unto him: Oh Lord we seem to be having "failure to communicate" with the Children of Israel. And the Lord asked: Tell Me, My son, what seems to be the problem? And Joshua said to the Lord: Well, things were going just fine at first. We were kicking Canaanite butt right and left and they were everywhere in flight. Victory was in sight. But then the Israelites sent a secret delegation to them with a proposal for a change in plans. We wish to reach a compromise with the pagans and Canaanites, they told me. Yep, I know it is hard for You to believe, but these Children of Israel demanded that we stop the campaign to conquer our promised land in the middle and instead seek a territorial compromise - by splitting the Land of Israel fifty-fifty with the pagan savages. They are demanding that we offer the Canaanites half of our country and our lands, including the territories holding most of the holy sites and shrines from the Patriarchs in Shiloh, Bethel, Hebron and Bethlehem.
You are not just yanking My chain here Joshua? asks the Lord in amazement.
I am serious, oh Lord. But it gets even worse. These people are suggesting we let the Canaanites organize their own militias and army, right here in Jericho, Shechem and Hebron. They claim these militias will be used to suppress the real Canaanite radicals and terrorists. They then want the Levites to collect a tithe of the income and property of the Israelites and hand it over to the Canaanites as well, as some sort of tribute or compensation with which they can buy weapons. Our peace lobbyists claim they want to swap land for peace with the pagans. And they even want to let the Canaanites set up altars of their own inside Jerusalem and prevent our people from entering Mount Moriah.
Now hold on to your heifers there, Joshua, speaks the Voice. I thought We had an understanding. I thought Moses had made it clear to these people that their job is to impose their sovereignty over the entire area I promised them. They have no right to "compromise" with My Land. They have no permission to trade "land for peace". Their job is to exercise the military option and to achieve unchallenged victory. The only compromise they are authorized to offer the Canaanites is to demand their unconditional surrender, and maybe allow them to hold commuting day jobs as cutters of wood and drawers of water after that.
Hey, I am on Your side, oh Lord, answers Joshua. But what can I do? The tribesmen claim they held an election and the "peace camp" won. Then they held more elections and the opponents of the appeasements won, but instantly morphed into new "peace camp" appeasers and defeatists.
We will see about that, answers the Lord ominously. If these stiff-necked dorks refuse to see reason, if they refuse to take the initiative and impose their sovereignty over the entire territories and lands that have been granted to them by Me, then We will have to take measures that leave them with no choice but to declare war and fight the savages. We will have to create the conditions under which they have no choice but to attack the Canaanites, to use military force, and to achieve victory.
Hey, You're the Boss, says Joshua. You show the way.
And the days pass and the Canaanites begin to snipe at the passing Israelites with blowguns and crossbows.
Ah You clever One, says Joshua to the Lord. Surely, this will bring them to their senses. Surely now they will realize there can be no territorial compromise with the pagans and that the only way to deal with them is through military initiative and conquest.
But lo, the days go by and the Israelite tribal chiefs simply expand their dialogue and talks with the Canaanite terrorist leaders.
It is not working, oh Great One, says Joshua. We will see about that, responds the Almighty.
In the coming days, the Canaanites escalate their conflict. They start sending epistle bombs, consisting of parchment wrapped around explosives, to homes of the Israelites. They invade several villages of Israelites and burn down their homes. They fire catapults randomly into Israelite civilian tents and homes.
Any progress yet, Joshua? asks the Lord. Alas no, answers Joshua, they are responding to these new atrocities by demanding that we turn over even more territory to the savages and give them more chariots and weapons. Time to turn up the heat some more, says the Lord. This will surely put the fight into them and fire in their bellies.
In the coming days the Canaanites send out gangs of assassins to roam the roads and fields of the Israelites and to murder them. But, Joshua explains, even this is not producing the needed change. The Israelite leaders suggest that giving up their national flags and psalms and instead adopt new Post-Zionist ones that are less offensive to Canaanite sensitivities. They teach Canaanite poetry, "narratives", and philosophy in their schools. Israelite peace activists teach that it is important to mourn the tragedy that has befallen the Canaanites from the Israelite migration across the Jordan. Several teachers in Israelite universities erect Canaanite flags and banners with images of Baal and Moloch on them.
You don't seriously mean to tell Me that the morons are still trying to make peace with the murdering barbarians? the Lord asks Joshua. Maybe You should have given them some more common sense and IQ points back in their Sinai wanderings and a bit less quails, suggests Joshua helpfully. No more Mister Nice Guy, answers the Almighty.
The Canaanites escalate further. They place large bombs aboard the public transit chariots of the Israelites. They murder Israelite children. They blow up Israelite universities and nightclubs. They murder Israelites engaged in the Passover sacrifice in Netanya. They scream that they will annihilate the Israelites. They demand that pagan volunteers from all over the world join in the campaign of annihilation. They dress up their own people, including their children, with explosives beneath their robes and place camel bombs in the Israelite marketplaces. The campaign of atrocities makes the Plagues against Egypt start to seem like children's games. The carnage continues, all as part of the Divine program to force the Israelites to take up arms, to impose their will on the savages, to defeat them militarily and to exercise sovereignty.
The Lands of Israel become the Valley of the Shadow of Death. The Divine re-education of the Israelites proceeds with no stopping. They will be goaded into military victory over the Canaanites or My name is not oh-you-know-what, comes a Voice from the Tabernacle.
Months go by and turn into years. The carnage toll rises. Not a single family of Israelites remains untouched. And when things could not possibly go on even a day longer, the Israelite tribal leaders at last come up with a plan for action and present it to Joshua.
Ok, Son of Nun, they tell Joshua, we have decided to accept the Road Map being proposed by the President of the Tarshishians, with a unilateral cease-fire combined with goodwill measures towards the Canaanites, plus an offer to recognize an independent Canaanite state with Mount Moriah as its Capital, plus new talks at the White Pyramid overseas. In the meantime, we will allow the Canaanites to operate their diplomatic altars in Jerusalem, while we disarm ourselves further to show we seriously seek peace. We will issue an apology to any Canaanites that might have been killed by our troops while shooting back at attacking Amalekite hordes. And our elected Nasi will announce that we are the Occupiers of land that is not ours and that Occupation is bad.
