Who said the Labour Party has a problem with anti-Semitism?

Poe’s Law states that it is impossible to create a parody of extremist views, which is so obviously exaggerated that it cannot be mistaken by some readers or viewers as a sincere expression of the parodied views. I’m not saying that this speech really was delivered in a recent British Labour Party Conference. But it could have been...

Ladies and gentlemen, comrades, friends, fellow-Labourites: Welcome to this assembly of the Labour Party Conference 2018.

Over the last few years, we have been inundated with accusations of rampant anti-Semitism in the Labour Party. These claims are baseless lies, spread by evil conniving Jews who want to tarnish us with the brush of anti-Semitism.

The Labour Party is not, and never has been, anti-Semitic. I would remind this conference that we have stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Jews and other vermin for generations, fighting for their rights in our country. We oppose fox-hunting, glue-traps for mice, badger-culling, and cruelty to all creatures, even to the most dangerous vermin, including Jews.

Anti-Semitism is a crime; anti-Zionism is a duty. No, it is more than a duty – it is a veritable calling. And we will stand by our principles, even when Jews and other enemies of freedom conflate legitimate criticism of Israeli policies with anti-Semitism.

Let us be clear: It is not anti-Semitic to criticise Israeli government policies.  Indeed many of our Jewish friends criticise Israeli government policies. And obviously no kike can be accused of anti-Semitism.

It is not anti-Semitic to criticise Israeli genocide of the poor oppressed suffering innocent Palestinian Arabs in the occupied territories. It is not anti-Semitic to call for an end to the 'occupation'. It is not anti-Semitic to demand the final solution to the  Zionist question. It is not anti-Semitic to travel to Tunisia and to pay homage to the brave Palestinian resistance-fighters who made such a magnificent contribution to the Munich Olympic games back in 1972.

It is not anti-Semitic to call for the peaceful dismantling of the world’s only Jewish state, and its replacement with a democratic peaceful judenrein Palestine, which will guarantee complete freedom, equality, and human rights to all Palestinian Arab Muslim men, regardless of race, religion, or sex.

It is not anti-Semitic to call for the extermination of all Jewish settlements throughout Palestine.

It is not anti-Semitic to demand freedom for the poor oppressed suffering innocent Palestinian Arabs. They deserve the freedom to live their lives in dignity, free of the racist colonialist apartheid Jew-republic in Palestine. They have an absolute right to the freedoms that we take so for granted here in Britain: freedom of conscience, freedom of religion, freedom of Jihad, freedom to warn of the insidious influences of Jews, freedom to hate Jews.

I now turn to our Jewish friends and supporters: At this season of the year, you Sheenies will soon be celebrating what you call Rosh Hashanah, your New Year. It is, of course, typical of your race’s conniving that you demand to celebrate two New Years every year, the real New Year on the 1st of January and your Jew New Year now.

From this platform, and in the name of the Labour Party, I wish all our Jewish friends a happy New Year.

My Jewish friends – and I have many, many Jewish friends, so I can’t be anti-Semitic – tell me that you Jews celebrate your New Year by confessing your sins, resolving to improve your deeds, and doing soul-searching.

Confess to the evil designs of the international Jewish conspiracy. After all, we have all read Protocols of the Elders of Zion: you yourselves wrote this, so it can’t be anti-Semitic.
So I ask all you Jews, here in Britain and throughout the world, to confess to some of your sins and resolve to improve your deeds in the New Year.

Confess to killing our Lord and Saviour (no, of course we don’t believe in him, we’re all atheists or agnostics, but that doesn’t stop us from blaming you for murdering him). Confess to poisoning the wells. Confess to murdering Christian babies to use their blood for your Passover matzos. Confess to your collective guilt for the genocide of the poor oppressed suffering innocent Palestinians.

Confess to the evil designs of the international Jewish conspiracy. After all, we have all read Protocols of the Elders of Zion: you yourselves wrote this, so it can’t be anti-Semitic.

Confess to all the wars that you have started and financed, in order to steal Palestine from the poor oppressed suffering innocent Palestinians. Confess to the slave trade, which financed international Jewish bankers for centuries. Confess to the suffering which the Rothschilds inflict upon all humanity by their secret control of the worlds finances and arms trade.

And if you confess your sins, and resolve to stop your traditional oppression of all Gentiles (whom you call Goyim), then of course we will forgive you.

Because, as we in the British Labour Party have insisted for so many years, we are not anti-Semitic.

No, we don’t have a problem with anti-Semitism in the British Labour Party. We have a problem with Jews.

But we can – and will – solve our Jewish problem. We have already begun preparing the Endlösung – the Final Solution to the Jewish Question.

So no, don’t call us anti-Semitic.

Again I say: it is not anti-Semitic to question whether the Holocaust really happened, or whether it was merely a Jewish propaganda invention to justify exterminating the poor oppressed suffering innocent Palestinians. History is for us all to study, and we must study it with an open mind.

It is not anti-Semitic to examine the evidence for and against the Holocaust openly and honestly. And it is not anti-Semitic to discuss whether or not the Nazis were justified in their attempt to exterminate all the Jews.

Don’t try to stifle legitimate and honest debate by labelling anyone who supports Nazism as an “anti-Semite”. Intelligent and unprejudiced debate is not anti-Semitic, and you Jews had better start getting used to the idea that you don’t have a monopoly on what subjects can and cannot be discussed.

You call Holocaust-denial anti-Semitic. I myself have spent years examining the evidence for and against the Nazi Holocaust. And I have reached the conclusion that the Nazi Holocaust is just as much of a hoax as the Holocaust that we in this Assembly of the British Labour Party are planning for your future.

Thank you for attending this conference and for showing your support for the Labour Party.