The John Kerry Comedy Hour
The John Kerry Comedy Hour

Given John Kerry’s flawless performance in Tehran – he never won a single hand – this must be said in his favor: he is no hustler.

Casinos don’t lock their doors when they see him coming. In fact they open their doors wider for such suckers. At the Poker Table he is not known as Slick Willie. In fact the boys all smile when they see him coming and have a chair ready or him. “Please,” they say. “Join us.”

If he counts cards at Blackjack he counts them in favor of the House.

The man can’t win at anything. They love him.
In Pool Rooms he is not known as Minnesota Fats. “Grab a stick,” say the Sharps. “We’ve been waiting for you.”

Despite his poker face, they know him as a sap, a loser who arrives by limo but needs to toss pennies for a Greyhound ride back home.

The man can’t win at anything. They love him.

They love him in Iran and they love him in Europe. He can be counted on to lose all his chips.

From Monte Carlo through Las Vegas to Atlantic City they keep inviting him to join their tournaments and to please arrive flushed with American cash. Rooms, meals, entertainment – everything comped so long as he joins them at their tables where they know he will always bet wrong.

That’s especially the case after his performance against Iran’s ayatollahs where they hung him out to dry.

He did not win a single wager. So we must imagine the Nuke negotiations as follows:

John: I insist that inspectors be allowed in at any time, without advance warning.

The Ayatollahs: No.

John: Okay. Okay. Sorry I brought it up.

The Ayatollahs: Are we done?

John: Well, if you don’t mind my mentioning – can you please stop subsidizing terrorists throughout the world?”

The Ayatollahs: Are you nuts? This is what we do. Understand?

John: Understood.

The Ayatollahs: Are we done? Because we’re rushed to join the Death to Israel and Death to America rally. It’s Monday.

John: Glad you brought that up. Can you possibly let up on that since we’re lifting economic sanctions? That’s $150 billion to you.

The Ayatollahs: Are you kidding? Those Death chants, that is our baseball. That is our Mom and Apple Pie. Are we done?

John: Not quite. As part of this deal, at which I’m lifting not only the Nuke embargo…

The Ayatollahs: Very generous of you. We pray for Americans like you. You must come more often. Bring friends. We have more bargains.

John: But we also lifted the conventional weapons embargo…

The Ayatollahs: You can be sure we will repay your magnanimity. Just watch us pay you back, and sooner than you think, my friend.

John: So with all that, would it be too much to ask…

The Ayatollahs: Now don’t get pushy on us, John. What do you want and be quick?

John: The four hostages. Can we please have them back? I can’t go home empty-handed. People will say I’m a fool.

The Ayatollahs: No and yes.

Jack Engelhard writes a regular column for Arutz Sheva. New from the New York-based novelist, The Bathsheba Deadline, a newsroom thriller ripped from the headlines. Engelhard wrote the int’l bestseller Indecent Proposal that was translated into more than 22 languages and turned into a Paramount motion picture starring Robert Redford and Demi Moore. Website: www.jackengelhard.com