Op-Ed: Ceasefire? 18 Rules for Fighting a Gaza War Chelm-Style

Chelm had nothing on us.
Published: Tuesday, August 26, 2014 9:45 PM


It is a settled matter that the IDF are tops in bravery and ethical warfare. Give them any job, and it’s done. But when politicians run the war, Chelm is likely to happen – Chelm being the town inhabited by those fabled “wise men” loved by tradition for their well-meaning but bumbling ways, like the following rules for conducting combat.

Hence…

18 Rules For Combat From The Wise Men of Chelm So That Your Enemies Will Die Laughing:

1. Advise your enemies to get ready for a surprise attack. Make sure to remind them where the surprise will take place and precisely what time it is to begin.

2. Shower the place with cautionary leaflets to make sure that every single enemy combatant finds safety. We do not want terrorist barbarians getting hurt.

3. Wait till the coast is clear before striking. Kill as many buildings as you can to prove that you really mean business.

4. Tipping off your enemies when a “surprise” attack is about to come, this alone could kill them as they die laughing at your stupidity.

5. Make sure to remind the world that no other nation is so respectful towards its foes. The world admires you and adores you for this. Look around.

6. Always be ready to give up more Jewish territory. Judea and Samaria, for instance. See how well this worked in Gaza after 10,000 Jews were evicted.

7. As bombs keep falling on your people, keep supplying your enemies with food and water and gas and electricity.  

8. You do not want to inconvenience the people who keep trying to kill you.

9. Tell your citizens who suffer daily from incoming rocket attacks that it’s okay. It’s no big deal. Go home and get used to running to shelters. Stop complaining. Don’t make trouble.

10. Tell your enemies that THIS TIME! you’ve had enough and then beg them for a ceasefire.

11. Talk big. Act small.

12. Prove how wise you are at the bargaining table by agreeing to your enemies’ every demand.

13. Pay no attention to people within your own country who demand that you fight to win. This is so foolish and so old-fashioned. A tie is good enough.

14. Insist that “quiet for quiet” is fine and dandy…even as rockets keep slamming into your country.

15. If a ceasefire is agreed upon (as it was again today) but rockets keep coming in, that’s okay. This is peace in the Land of Israel.

16. Tell the world that Gaza must be demilitarized. You will not stand for anything less. Then go home and forget every part of this.

17. If Israeli residents along the border with Gaza flee by the thousands, truce or no truce, that’s simply too bad. Nothing can be done.

18. Repeat this: In the Land that God gave you but that you handed over to your enemies, War and Peace are the same thing.

Above all, talk big. Act small.

Jack Engelhard writes a regular column for Arutz Sheva. Engelhard wrote the int’l bestseller Indecent Proposal that was translated into more than 22 languages and turned into a Paramount motion picture starring Robert Redford and Demi Moore. New from the novelist, the anti-BDS thriller Compulsive. Website: www.jackengelhard.com