Yo Kim, We're Locked and Loaded

Don't you see that China and Russia look at you like you are a village idiot stuck in the 1950's? They wear Armani, while you wear polyester. Letter below.

Mark Langfan,

Mark Langfan
Mark Langfan
Mark Langfan

Dear Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un (and your Aunt, General Kyong-hui),

Maybe you don't get the New York Times ("NY Times") home delivery. Or, you just don't like wading through a long, meandering, padded NY Times article. So, I'll boil it down to the heart of it for you.

On April 7, 2013, Obama dictated a clear warning to you in an article entitled "U.S. Designs a Korea Response Proportional to the Provocation".The dire and stark Obama warning to you both was composed of two distinct parts, and I'm quoting the NY Times directly:

1. "American officials described the new ‘counterprovocation’ plan as calling for an immediate but proportional ‘response in kind’-- hitting the source of any North Korean attack with similar weapons."

2. "’The new agreement defines action down to the tactical level and locks in alliance political consultations at the highest level,’ an American official said. The official stressed that the South Korean military would take the lead in any response to hostilities from the North short of war."

So Jong-un, there you have it. US President Obama has informed you through the "Paper of Record" that America's new legal treaty defense iron-clad obligation with, and to, South Korea is "US nuke for DPRK nuke." But that's not the really important point about Obama's warning to you. We always knew that if you ever tried anything nuclear, Obama would have to nuke you back.

What's truly new and especially important for you (and Aunt Kyong-hui) to understand very clearly is the critical extra wording that "[t]he new agreement [between the United States and South Korea] defines action down to the tactical level..."

In plain English, what this 'nuclear-speak' means is that US President Obama, US SecDef Hagel, and the entire US Congress security leadership have already agreed, ordered, and empowered the local 'tactical' US Forces Korea commander (along with the local US nuclear submarine commanders) with the necessary and sufficient legal authority to launch “an immediate” and proportional “similar weapons” nuclear counter-attack against North Korea in the event that the local 'tactical' US commander (and/or local US nuclear submarine commanders) believes North Korea has used nukes against South Korea, or the United States.

In short, President Obama has already legally 'defined,' 'locked-in,' and transferred this independent nuclear decision-making legal authority to obliterate you and your entire army to the local 'tactical' US in-theater commander (and local US nuclear submarine commanders).

Why? Because Obama has been properly militarily advised that, in the event of any North Korean nuclear attack, it is most likely that the chain-of-command (i.e. communications) between US Korean-in-theater forces and the Pentagon will be broken.

Further, it is almost a certainty that Obama has been professionally militarily advised, in writing six ways to Sunday, that if Obama does not invest the local 'tactical' US commanders with an independent and immediate nuclear retaliatory protocol, the United States could lose a 'quick' nuclear conflict to you.

In such a nuclear emergency, seconds, not minutes, may determine whether the United States defeats you, or you "defeat" the United States. Hence, no American officer in the Pacific theater with operational control of a nuke now has to "phone home" for permission to wipe you (and Aunty) off the face of the earth. And, if local 'tactical' US commanders can't communicate with each other due to a communication problem, they will all independently retaliate against you.

So, if G-d-forbid, you attack anybody with a nuke, you just better hope you don't harm US Korean-theater military communications, or you'll get ten incoming nukes, instead of just two.

An American nuclear counter-attack is now locked-in-and-loaded against your country. The Presidential US nuclear order has already been signed, sealed, but just not "tactically" delivered yet. So, my dear Jong-un, let there be no mistake, if you so much as harm a single hair on a single head of a single precious American soldier with a nuke, you (and Aunty) will be ashes of dust swirling around Mount Paektu.

Please, do make a big show of firing a bunch of your generals for giving you bad advice, swallow your spicy kimchi, and obey Kim Il-Sung's tenth commandment:

"We must pass down the great achievement of the revolution by the Great Leader comrade Kim Il Sung from generation to generation, inheriting and completing it to the end."

The "end" is now. Announce that you unconditionally agree to unify North Korea with South Korea, so Korea can become the new "Germany of Asia." Don't you see that China and Russia look at you like you are a village idiot stuck in the 1950's? They wear Armani, while you wear polyester. The real estate between Seoul and Pyongyang is alone worth a fortune of many billions.

Stop your craziness now, and you can be a billionaire skiing in Gstaad (without Aunty), and giving lectures about your Nobel Peace Prize in Davos. Make a stupid mistake, and you (with Aunty) will become wisps of vapor.

Best regards.