Supreme Leader Kim, Don't Mess With the 509th BW
Supreme Leader Kim, Don't Mess With the 509th BW

Dear Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un,

Maybe the "B-2 Bomber" message President Obama and Defense Secretary Hagel tried to send to you was a little too subtle and something got lost in translation. OK, so, I'll try to make it clearer for you.

The B-2 bombers that flew all the way from Whiteman AFB to drop 2 inert bombs on the Korean Peninsula were from the 509th Bomb Wing (BW). The 509th BW is the direct descendent of the 509th Composite Group (CG). The 509th CG's sole mission, their sole mission, was to drop the "Little Boy" Uranium bomb on Hiroshima, and the "Fat Man" Plutonium bomb on Nagasaki.

So, President Obama and Secretary of Defense Hagel were really telling you they are not fooling around. If you go nuclear, they will send the 509th BW back, and drop a nuclear bomb on you.

But Supreme Leader Kim, you better hope they only dial up Whiteman AFB, and not Malmstrom AFB. Why? Because Malmstrom AFB houses only some, just some, of America's intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs) that can erase you, and your “9,000,000” man army, off the face of the earth in 7 minutes flat.

So, you can forget about launching a pre-emptive EMP attack. Why? Because an EMP attack only works with the element of total surprise. And, believe me, nobody, but nobody, will be tactically surprised by an EMP attack after an Israeli e-paper published the North Korean EMP attack story. You, your command center, and your entire advancing army will be incinerated by Malmstrom’s ICBMs before a single North Korean troop crosses the 38th parallel.

And I'll even let you in on a super-big military secret: your nuclear EMP jig is up. As of April 2, 2013, no one will be even strategically surprised by your EMP attack either. Again, why? In what is a pure militarily genius move, US Secretary of Defense Hagel just deployed the Sea-Based X-Band Radar (SBX-1) to the Western Pacific Ocean.  The SBX-1, with a range of 2,000-5,000 kilometers, is well outside of any effective radius of an EMP blast over the Korean Peninsula.

Secretary Hagel has two golden assets that you don't want to mess with.
To make it crystal clear for you, the SBX-1, that is now fully deployed, “can see an object the size of a baseball at a range of 2,500 miles” (4,023.36 km). So, the unscathed SBX-1 will provide the Pentagon (and the UN Security Council members by email) with an uninterrupted EMP-proof view of the entire Korean battle space, with taped video proof of your nuclear “first use” attack.

And, dear Leader, don't get too pumped up about Secretary Hagel's abysmal Senate confirmation performance. It’s a word untranslatable into Korean called “Democracy.” Nevertheless, Secretary Hagel has two golden assets that you don't want to mess with:

1) Hagel was a two-term Republican United States Senator from Nebraska; and

2) Hagel loves, loves, loves US soldiers.

So, if Hagel thinks for one moment that you have EMPed the South, and that one hair on the head of one of his precious US soldiers is in danger from you, he will be signing the order for Malmstrom, and not Whiteman.

And, you must carefully remember what you always seem to want to emphasize: the US and the DPRK are still in a “state of war.” Therefore, legally, from 1950 to 1953, and to this very day, US troops are already "authorized" by the US Congress to be "in theater," and would be under an "actual nuclear attack." Hence, an American legal authorization for a US nuclear counter-strike would be one signature away from happening.

As for President Obama, if Hagel orders a Malmstrom launch, Obama will sign off on it in a heart-beat. Obama's political advisors will tell him that if he grants consent, the Democrats will sweep the mid-term congressional elections. And in the alternative, if he withholds consent, Obama will be both impeached, and lose the House and Senate in the mid-term elections. In other words, "U B toast sucker!"

So my dear Supreme Leader Kim, everyone is entitled to a bad hair day even if they do just sport a modified Mr. T-type crew-cut. Just say you "felt a little threatened." But, now you see that the South's annual spring military exercises were only just "exercises," and meant for "purely" defensive purposes, and you are standing down all your silly nuclear jive talk.

Who knows? You may even get lucky, and Obama could invite you for a game of HORSE on the White House basketball court. After seeing Obama’s Easter Sunday practice, that's about the only “shooting” match you have a chance of winning against Obama.

Best regards,

Mark Langfan

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