PurimVaad Harabanim

The world held its breath waiting for weeks for President Joe Biden to call Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyau. When it finally happened, a transcript of the hot conversation was not released wrapping the matter in even greater mystery. In light of the fact that the Jewish joyous festival of Purim approaches, we all need good news and lots of good cheer in these tough days of the Corona pandemic.

In the spirit of Mishenichnas Adar Marbin Besemicha, when the Hebrew month of Adar begins we increase our joy, I tried to imagine and conceive what could possibly have transpired and been said and frame it in the lighthearted spirit of Adar and the Purim story:

The following happened a long, long time after the real Purim story recorded in Megillat Esther, the Scroll of Esther:

King Joechashverosh of the United States of the World: "Get me King Bibi of Israel on the line!"

King Bibi of Israel: "Hi Joe, good to hear from you, Mazel Tov on getting elected and on all the best with all the Yehudim on your staff."

King Joechashverosh: "Yasher Koach Bibi, let's get down to business, I still have a few hundred Executive Orders to sign today."

King Bibi of Israel: "How can I help you Joe? You still remember me do you?"

King Joechashverosh: "Of course I know you, you have been around so long, I can't recall who was the king of Israel before you. Here's the deal. Talking of my own private Yehudim, you know my Foreign Minister Blintzes, I mean Blinken, he's on a mission to make Shalom with the Persians again. No ifs, ands or buts from you, you understand?"

King Bibi of Israel: "But Joe, I thought we were friends, how come you are moving so fast on this? Aren't you afraid of haste making nuclear waste?"

King Joechashverosh: "Nuclear, shmuclear, what are you afraid of. My Yehudim tell me that I must make world peace soon, I'm already 78 you know? Oh, and about the fake Philistines in Gaza, I am going to help them too!"

King Bibi of Israel: "Oy, Joe, who is really behind all this bad advice you are getting?"

King Joechashverosh: "I can't divulge all my secret sources, but one of them is Vice King Kamalavashti. As you may recall a long time ago I had her beheaded but that was a long time ago, now my advanced artificial intelligence computer scientists discovered a way to re-attach her head and bring her to life so I re-hired her again and she is now on my staff as a full time advisor."

"But back to the subject, talking of celebrities who once lost their heads, you remember that crafty old Haman the Amalekite that got hanged on the tree for conspiring to unseat me, pretending his plan was to kill all the Jews and give me their money? I have decided to give his great-great-great-great-great-grandson KeHameini of Persia a second chance. Maybe he can do better than his great-great-great-great-great-grandpappy and help me out with making world peace!"

King Bibi of Israel: "Well, I wish Vice King Kamalavashti a Refuah Sheleimah, a complete recovery, I hope she will not get any more splitting headaches, but I hear she got married to one of our Yehudim and that kind of marriage didn't go so well around the Megillah period when the Scribe Ezra got involved. Maybe she really likes his Mama's Hamantashen."

"But come on Joe, you gotta be kidding. The Amalekites haven't changed much, they still hate us, and they hate you too, on top of which they are now building nuclear gallows for all of us. Last time Haman and his ten sons were hanged on a tree-gallows that they built for the good guys, but now they are not preparing trees to hang us on they are building nuclear tipped missiles that fly quicker than the speed of sound!"

King Joechashversosh: "Oh come on Bibi, why do you think that? You know that I go to church every Sunday and I believe in peace and brotherhood between all mankind. How else do you think I got elected to be King of the United States of the World?"

King Bibi: "Joe, I want to ask you a silly question: What happened to your Queen Esther who was all for the Jews and her famous uncle Mordechai who was your number one advisor after you got rid of that wicked Haman?"

King Joechashverosh: "Oh them?! You see my new court advisors helped me get rid of them and send them into exile in Florida. Actually they are are now in a Federal Witness Protection Program and living under new identities: Ivankester and Jared "M" (for Mordechai), you see they influenced my stand-in for the last four years to do all those things to help the Jews in America and Israel and to put the clamps on their enemies and boycott their foes."

"My policies are far better, you see, I went on a four year Sabbatical after I was trained by King Nebuchadbama on how to really run the United States of the World, and I'm proud of it. So you get the point then Bibi, it's Purim all over again, and this time I don't plan on getting hoodwinked by anyone, not you, not Haman, not anyone. Happy Purim"

King Bibi of Israel: "Thanks for letting me know Joe. I think I will have to consult with my Rabbis about what to do next. Remember - we survived Pharaoh and Haman, we'll survive this as well. Happy Purim!

Rabbi Yitschak Rudomin is president and founder of the Jewish Professionals Institute. An alumnus of Yeshiva Chaim Berlin and Teachers College, Columbia University, he has dedicated his life to Jewish outreach and education, served for 7 years as full-time director of Sinai Heritage Centers in Manhattan and 3 as an AJOP trustee, .among many oher endeavors.