The Sunday Funnies - The Pence Effect


לבן ריק
לבן ריק
צילום: ערוץ 7
PERIDOT is an American writer living abroad.

Michael Pence became the first U.S. Vice-President to address Israel’s Knesset on Monday.  Pence announced the U.S. Embassy will move from Tel-Aviv to Jerusalem before the end of next year.  Suddenly, a hilarious ruckus erupted with paper being assaulted and Arab MK hecklers being cast out of the room, while Jewish MKs stood up and applauded, and others vied for the Best Selfie Award of 2018.  Once outside, the Arab MKs gave a joint statement to the press, “We support the tactics of the Roman Occupation of Israel, who were as clever as they were ruthless – changing the name of the Land of Israel to Palestine and Jerusalem to Aelia Capitolina, as occupiers do.  Had Pence said, ‘The U.S. embassy is moving to Aelia Capitolina’, we could have supported that.”

Chief Coroner and current President of Palestinian incitement Mahmoud Abbas, officially recognized the death of the Oslo Accords, prior to Pence’s visit to Israel.  Mr. Accords was killed by intifada nearly 18 years ago, but only now is his death being officially recognized by those responsible. Mr. Abbas also pondered out loud whether to “unrecognize” Israel, which led President Clinton to call him a “flip-flopper.”

Pence’s speech to the Knesset was dubbed by some as “messianic”, leading others to demand prooftexts.  “Bring us the Hebrew Bible and the Christian Bible,” demanded the scholars, which only led to an argument as to why the Christian Bible quotes from the Torah and the Prophets all over the place, since these are distinctly ancient Hebrew texts.  More importantly, why the Christian Bible is glued to the Tanakh.

Abbas rejected Pence’s overtures to meet, and instead ran off to Brussels to ask the EU to “swiftly” recognize a Palestinian state, but it was not to be.  Federica Mogherini warmly welcomed him, kissed his cheeks, smiled and said, “Come here my silly little Coroner, what were you thinking when you pronounced Oslo Accords dead?  What’s next, officially recognizing the death and burial of Status-Quo?  Now, stop your silliness and focus on helping the dead man who lost his keys – Two-State.”

In the Arab world, Pence’s visit to Israel was upstaged by the Saudi camel beauty contest Botox scandal.  The camel beauty contest winner of the 57 million-dollar prize must possess naturally, according to the judges, full-pouty lips like Angelina Jolie and smooth-soft skin like France’s President Emmanuel Macron.  The contestants apparently cheated by trying to achieve results using Botox.