National Identity Theft

Arieh Eldad is known as a hardworking, idealistic MK, even by his political opponents, but here he is with a sarcastic, tongue in cheek look at the UK passport diplomatic incident.

Prof. MK Arieh Eldad

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Arutz 7

For over two years Rahim (not his real name), the MI6 agent, operated in one of Al-Qaeda’s cells on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border. Although he only operated as a junior specialist for liquid explosives, the packed- like- sardines conditions in which they lived in the Zahra Zahra caves allowed him to get acquainted with some of the organization’s leaders, and to deliver valuable information to his operators using mail-louse.

The ability to encode and miniaturize information allowed the glorious British Security Service to retire their famous mail pigeons five years ago, replacing them with trained mail louses that carried the tiny chip under one of their armpits, and that would jump out of a beard the moment they heard the secret password “Anything to declare, luv?” pronounced in a Cockney accent.

Even after his operators in London instructed him to murder Al-Hindawi, Bin Laden’s Fashion Deputy, using an overdose of fishburgers (“Fishcakes”, in the organization's slang), nobody suspected him. One day, however, when it was really hot in the bunker, Rahim was caught using his British passport as a hand-held fan. His cover was blown and Agent Jones was tortured and executed.

In this case, the United Kingdom deviated from the norm of not providing any information about the life and death of their agents. Agent Jones’ acts of glory were told in detail. His family, in a restrained ceremony, received the highest award for excellence in Her Majesty's service given by the queen, and the organization’s chief easily avoided the vexing question of why the agent was carrying his original passport. "You didn’t expect", the chief said to his questioners, "that our agent would steal some Israeli’s identity and wave a stolen blue passport, did you?"

And indeed, not one of the veterans in the world's famous espionage organizations, assembled in Baden-Baden, could recall any of history's famous spies ever going down to the low level of using an identity theft. Mata Hari never named herself Malka Hareven, even when her life was in danger. Sir Thomas Edward Lawrence ("Lawrence of Arabia") never tried to hide behind some Tommy Law-Race's Union Member ID. And 007, even between the most dangerous satin sheets, never hid behind the relative security his John Jones stolen identity could provide. He never avoided saying simply "The name is Bond. James Bond".

With that in mind, it is easy to understand the fury and rage which swept the British leadership the moment they were convinced, based on foreign sources, that Israeli Mossad agents used fabricated British passports when they left on their mission in XXXXXX. The fact that the agents boldly lied as they checked into the YYYYYY Hotel, specifying “INSTTIUTE*” as their occupation, made the scorn and rage deepen.

“Even in the world of shadows in which we live, there are red lines that must not be crossed”, a retired Securitate agent was quoted as saying. “Order must be kept”, said one of the German BND leaders, who preferred to introduce himself as “Wolfgang, just Wolfgang”.

Even when we accidentally bombed the wrong wedding in Afghanistan, or when we unfortunately destroyed a Sunni mosque instead of a Shiite mosque in Basra, we were never ashamed of our passports, said the British Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, who never hid his Jewish identity.

What came next was inevitable. The Mossad representative in London received an amazingly polite letter, instructing him to leave the United Kingdom the moment he finishes the essential shopping.

Israel had its own lessons to learn, and from now on agents will go on their missions carrying their original Israeli passport, as well as their IDF ID, and a Star of David medallion on their neck