The problem Francisco Velazquez, a 14-year-old freshman at Balboa High School, was having brought to mind an issue that I had been thinking about: people cause themselves suffering for fear of losing social status.


In Velazquez's school there are two lunch lines. One line is for kids that get subsidized lunch with foods mandated by the federal government. While the students that pay stand on another line and are offered a totally different

When there is so much financial strain and tension the marriage can start off rocky.

menu.


This system publicly divides the haves from the have-nots, and Francisco Velazquez is not interested in being tagged as a have-not. Being seen with a subsidized meal lowers your status. Francisco can't afford to buy lunch, so he doesn't eat.


This reminded me of a conversation I had while sitting at the smorgasbord of a wedding. I didn't know either side of the wedding party very well, but I helped raise money for the wedding so I thought it was only right for me to show up and wish the family Mazal Tov.


I turned to the person next to me and asked him who he was related to at this wedding. To which he answered, "Neither side, I just helped out here with money so they can afford the wedding, and I felt I wanted to come and say Mazal Tov."


It then dawned on me that many people earn enough money for daily expenses, yet they still want additional help when making a wedding. The extra help is needed because of the fear - the same fear that students like Velazquez have - of not being able to be like others. The real question is: Why do we allow ourselves to feel forced to make weddings and Bar Mitzvahs that are beyond what we can afford?


The trappings we can't afford are not what make a wedding kosher. For a wedding to be kosher, all you need is a kosher rabbi, two kosher witnesses, a minyan (required quorum) of ten men and a seudah (festive meal). All the rest is not necessary for a couple to be married and, for that matter, it is no guarantee for a happy marriage. It is certainly not part of the mitzvah to go into debt when planning a joyous occasion.


In fact, the less financial strain on the couple and their parents, the more likely it is that the marriage starts off on the right foot. When there is so much financial strain and tension the marriage can start off rocky.


There's the matter of the overdone pictures and video, music, clothing, decor and, of course, my pet peeve: the guests.


My favorite line about this topic is one that I've often repeated: "When you make a wedding, you invite those who you feel obligated to invite but don't really want; they don't feel they want to come, but don't want to say no. So they come, and then they sit at your wedding and leave before the main course because they don't feel obligated to you in any way."


There has been some relief in our communities about this issue with the growing popularity of Simchas Chosson V'Kallah (instead of being invited to the whole meal, people are invited to partake in the dancing with the bride and groom), but a greater change is possible and necessary.


The other day, I came across an article that spoke of a change in a close-knit community. This community has accepted self-imposed restrictions regarding the lavishness of the joyous occasions that they celebrate - starting

Greater change is possible and necessary.

from the l'chaim engagement party through the Sheva Brochos (the seven festive days after the wedding). These restrictions were made so that everyone who makes a wedding feels on par with everyone else and not inferior. The married couple gets what everyone else gets. I think this change is one that we can all learn from.


Do we really need to go into debt for our children's Bar Mitvahs and weddings in order to make them feel special on their special day? Is it the menu that makes our kids feel special? The band?


I know someone who gives an equal amount of charity for whatever he pays for his child's Bar Mitzvah or wedding. Therefore, he's careful with what he spends. He knows he has to afford double. It also gives him and his children a chance to focus on priorities and remember those who are less fortunate.


Now, when we all feel the strain of paying rent or mortgages or tuition, perhaps it's a good time for us to realize that - like Francisco Velazquez - people don't want to be singled out for not being able to afford what others can. Maybe now the time is ripe to follow that group of Chassidim and collectively cut back on the unnecessary expenses we can't afford.