Thsi article is by Samuel Haft as related to Rabbi Boruch Leff
(The following ideas have been born in part due to a severe health challenge I’ve been dealing with for the past 12 years: losing my voice and the ability to speak.
Also, the ideas below have been endorsed by the following distinguished Rabbanim: Rav Mendel Blachman, Rav Yechiel Perr zt’l, Rav Moshe Brown, Rav Mordechai Willig, and Rav Akiva Tatz)
The Need to Redefine True Happiness
Everyone wants to be happy but we all struggle with how to attain happiness.
We all have preconceived notions as to what happiness actually is, and these notions are most often based on the culture and society around us. But what if there was a state of happiness that could be self-actuated at all times through all societies and civilizations no matter the historical period? Must there always be a ‘pursuit of happiness’ or is there a state of happiness that is always within my reach no matter the struggles and challenges in my life?
Let’s explore this extremely vital topic.
We are all physical beings and we need physical things to survive in this world day to day, week to week, month to month and year to year. Beyond mere survival and living on very basic needs, we all seek a certain level of comfort and ease in our physical existence. Yes, we can survive on bread and water and with basic body clothing and a roof over our heads, but we know there is much more available in the material world and we naturally desire more comfort and pleasures.
When we see what is available to make our physical lives more pleasurable we regularly crave more and more things. It’s possible to be happy with basics but it becomes extremely difficult when we raise the bar of our expectations and needs as yesterday’s luxuries become today’s needs.
Can Anyone Be Happy with Western Values?
100 years ago, no one had air conditioning in the summer and today we wonder how they could survive a summer without it, and the list goes on and on, ad infinitum. If our definition of happiness and comfort is based on what we have in terms of serving our physical comfort then we will inevitably be left disappointed very often. We will be subject to anxiety and worry, as we will always anticipate and wonder as to whether the anticipated comfort will come to fruition. We will often be subject to frustration and disappointment, as it is inevitable that in many areas of life the anticipated comfort or experience will not manifest itself as we had hoped, leaving us feeling empty, dissatisfied and discontent. Inevitably, as we see with many Hollywood celebrities, they are not happy for very long and their emptiness persists if they live with goals of western values of happiness.
In western society, the amount and variety of pleasures is always increasing and if we keep embracing the pursuit of these pleasures we will experience a never ending race with great disappointments. This is compounded many more times if we base our happiness on what we see those around us attain. If a nice house 100 years ago had a few rooms, the most basic houses today would be considered mansions in those times. The fact that almost everyone today has indoor plumbing means that the common man today enjoys much better circumstances than kings did many, many years ago. But this fact will never resonate with us if we keep watching what our neighbors keep adding to their material lives.
It is quite clear that if we are basing our happiness on the attainment of our desired physical pleasures, we will most often come up lacking and this will affect our overall feeling of happiness. In fact, the way to get happy and to remain happy is to totally transform the way we understand happiness.
A Genuine Path to Happiness
As believing Torah Jews, we know we must serve Hashem and we do this by fulfilling the mitzvos He has given us. We serve Him by overcoming our temptations and desires to do the wrong thing and by trying to make proper choices utilizing the power of free will that He gave us. If we try hard in these spiritual pursuits, we know that we are serving Hashem even when we fail because Hashem values our efforts. The primary factor goes by how difficult it is for us and no matter how many times we fail, if we made good efforts, Hashem values them tremendously. This is the depth of what the mishna in Pirkei Avos (5:26) states, “lefum tzaara agra.”
How can we define happiness within this context? When we live our lives trying to overcome our natural inclinations, when we live a life of genuine effort, we won’t usually feel ecstatic all the time or even feel a great many active positive feelings of joy and happiness. But we will feel an overriding sense of serenity and satisfaction that we are living life the way it should be lived. We will experience a menuchas hanefesh which one might describe as an even-keeled experience, as opposed to a life of joy which would depend on a positive/good experience.
The major benefit of focusing one’s life on succeeding in free will decisions is that it helps maintain one's emotional health through a sense of satisfaction, fulfillment, meaning and purpose. We can describe this as the concept of attaining emotional health.
Emotional health is not necessarily a positive/good experience but is simply the absence of a negative and therefore a mere even-keeled experience. Most of us won’t go to sleep at night thinking “I can't wait to wake up tomorrow to experience the positive/good life of being emotionally healthy" but we will live serene, content lives, rather than feeling emotionally unhealthy.
Emotional Health
Emotional health is a very similar experience to physical health. We can describe emotional health as an even-keeled experience, just like physical health is an even- keeled experience.
Physical health is not a positive/good experience; it is merely the absence of unwanted physical pain and therefore an even-keeled experience. Nobody goes to sleep at night thinking to himself "I can't wait to wake up tomorrow to experience the positive/good life of physical health," he's simply in pain when he is physically unhealthy.
If we redefine happiness as menuchas hanefesh, satisfaction and an emotional healthy state, we would be able to feel this way constantly.
It is true that there are holy and righteous people who can live life truly being internally ecstatic even for daily basic health and regular ordinary physical experiences. They can appreciate ‘regular, ordinary’ mitzvah accomplishments and be very joyous with them. However, most of us are not on the level to feel the joy of mitzvos, or the love for Hashem in all that we do, which can bring ecstasy to these tzaddikim. Many may focus on olam habah, the goal to gather reward in the next world that makes them feel happiness in this world, but that too remains elusive for most of us, as we don’t actually see those results here, even though we believe and accept the truth and reality of olam habah. So, for most of us, the goal to live an even-keeled, neutral, meaningful life should be paramount.
A Day in the Life...
Let us now describe a ‘day in the life’ of two different types of people, based on the ideas we have discussed. First, let’s describe someone who is living life making great effort to make good choices. To make things somewhat simpler, the scenarios will not include the daily challenges of marriage and raising children.
Moshe wakes up in the morning and has a strong desire to snooze his alarm, but he overcomes his natural inclination and gets out of bed. Then, he washes netilas yadayim (halakhically mandated handwashing) and has a strong desire to mutter the bracha, the appropriate blessing, quickly, but he overcomes his natural inclination and says the bracha with concentration, kavana. Then, he makes his way to shul, and on the way to shul he sees someone else who seems to have more pleasure than he (money, status, popularity, etc.) and has a strong desire to be jealous of him, but he overcomes his natural inclination in order to dismiss his emotional impulse of jealousy.
He davens the morning prayer, shacharis, and has a strong desire to mutter the prayers, the tefilah, quickly, but he overcomes his natural inclination and davens with kavana. After davening, he goes to the restroom and after finishing, he has a strong desire to mutter the mandated prayer "Ashe Yatzar" quickly, but he overcomes his natural inclination and says the bracha with kavana. Then, he eats breakfast, and has a strong desire to eat sugar cereals, but overcomes his natural inclination and eats healthy cereals instead.
While eating, he has a strong desire to aimlessly scroll through his phone/internet, but overcomes his natural inclination and decides to learn Torah while eating instead. Then, when he gets in his car to go to work, he has a strong desire to listen to the radio/music, but he overcomes his natural inclination and decides to listen to Torah lectures, shiurim, instead. Also, while driving, he has a strong desire to look at inappropriate billboards, but he overcomes his natural inclination and looks away instead.
He gets to work, and has a strong desire to aimlessly wander through the internet instead of giving 100% of his efforts to his employer/clients, but overcomes his natural inclination and gives his full effort/attention to his employer/clients instead. At work, one of his colleagues makes a mistake which hurts the entire team, and he has a natural inclination to berate his colleague on account of this mistake, but overcomes his natural inclination and is patient/generous with his colleague instead.
When he eats lunch, he has a strong desire to eat the unhealthy option, but overcomes his natural inclination and eats the healthy option instead. Also, while eating lunch, he has a strong desire to aimlessly scroll through his phone/internet, but overcomes his natural inclination and learns Torah while eating instead. Then, he has a strong desire to leave for mincha afternoon prayers at the last minute, but overcomes his natural inclination and instead decides to leave for mincha five minutes earlier in order to get to mincha on time. While davening, he has a strong desire to mutter the words quickly, but then overcomes his natural inclination and davens with kavana. He returns to work, and finishes up his day at work working hard and honestly.
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He then gets in the car to go home, and has a strong desire to listen to radio/music, but overcomes his natural inclination and decides to learn Torah instead. When he gets home, he decides that he needs an hour break just to wind down, and while winding down he has a strong desire to watch/listen to some video/music that's not suitable for his way of life, but overcomes his natural inclination and makes sure all the video/music content is 'kosher'. At the end of the hour break, he has a strong desire to continue taking the break, but he overcomes his natural inclination and resumes his learning/service, as he knows he only needs an hour break, and any pleasure in excess of an hour is unnecessary.
Then, he eats dinner, and has a strong desire to choose the unhealthy option, but overcomes his natural inclination and chooses to eat the healthy option instead. After dinner, he has a strong desire to be lazy and not exercise, but he decides to overcome his natural inclination and go for a run. Then, he goes to his learning seder and has a strong desire to 'shmues' - talk aimlessly - with his chavrusa (learning partner) but he overcomes his desire and learns with good concentration. He then goes to maariv, the evening prayer, and has a strong desire to mutter through the prayer, but overcomes his natural inclination and he davens with kavana. When he returns from maariv, while winding down to go to sleep, he has a strong desire to aimlessly wander through his phone/internet and stay up past his bedtime, but overcomes his natural inclination and is disciplined to go to sleep on time.
Moshe is someone who is living a happy life, a life of satisfaction and menuchas hanefesh. He knows he is doing good things as he overcomes struggles and uses his free will to become a better servant of Hashem. There is no constant ecstasy in his life, but he has even-keeled, emotional health.
(Qualification to the above: we assumed all these desires for pleasure were merely "wants". Of course, for just one example, if one determines that his desire to listen to music while driving is an actual "need," then he certainly should listen to the music until he gets back to a state of neutral equilibrium, at which point he should ideally then stop listening to music and resume Torah learning in the car as proper service to Hashem.)
Let’s now describe someone who doesn’t live like Moshe but leads his life quite the opposite way.
Yehoshua, who on the outside looks very similar to Moshe, decides not to succeed in free will decisions and pursues laziness/comfort/pleasure instead. Yehoshua wakes up in the morning and has a strong desire to snooze his alarm, and gives in to his natural inclination and snoozes the alarm. Then, after eventually getting out of bed, he washes netilas yadayim and has a strong desire to mutter the bracha quickly, and gives in to his natural inclination and does not say the bracha with kavana. Then, he makes his way to shul, and on the way to shul he sees someone else who seems to have more pleasure than he (money, status, popularity, etc.) and has a strong desire to be jealous of him, and he gives in to this natural inclination and becomes jealous of him and is resentful of that person due to his jealousy.
Then, he davens shacharis and has a strong desire to mutter the tefilah quickly, and gives in to his desire and davens without kavana. After davening, he goes to the restroom and after finishing, he has a strong desire to mutter through "Ashe Yatzar" quickly, and he gives in to his desire and says "Asher Yatzar" without kavana. Then, he eats breakfast, and has a strong desire to eat sugar cereals, and gives in to his desires and eats the unhealthy cereals. Also, while eating, he has a strong desire to aimlessly scroll through his phone/internet, and gives in to his desire and wastes time on his phone.
When he gets in his car to go to work, he has a strong desire to listen to the radio/music, and gives in to his desire and wastes his time while driving. Also, while driving, he has a strong desire to look at inappropriate billboards, and gives in to his desire and looks at the inappropriate images. When he gets to work, he has a strong desire to aimlessly wander through the internet instead of giving 100% of his efforts to his employer/clients, and he gives in to his desire and wastes time at work. At work, one of his colleagues makes a mistake which hurts the entire team, and he has a natural inclination to berate his colleague on account of this mistake, and gives in to his desire and scolds his colleague, thereby causing great pain to his colleague.
When he eats lunch, he has a strong desire to eat the unhealthy option, and gives in to his desire and eats the unhealthy option. Also, while eating lunch, he has a strong desire to aimlessly scroll through his phone/internet, and gives in to his desire, and wastes time while eating. Then, he has a strong desire to leave for mincha at the last minute, and gives in to his desire and comes late to mincha. While davening, he has a strong desire to mutter the tefilah quickly, and gives in to his desire and davens without kavana. When he returns to work and finishes up his day, he wastes more time of clients and his boss.
He then gets in the car to go home, and has a strong desire to listen to radio/music, and gives in to his desire and wastes time while driving. When he gets home, he decides that he needs an hour break just to wind down, and while winding down he has a strong desire to watch/listen to some video/music that's not 'kosher', and gives in to his desires and watches/listens to non-'kosher' content. At the end of the hour break, he has a strong desire to continue taking the break, and gives in to his desire, thus wasting time on unnecessary pleasure.
When he eats dinner he has a strong desire to choose the unhealthy option and gives in to his desire and eats the unhealthy option. After dinner, he has a strong desire to be lazy and not exercise, and he gives in to his desire, and avoids exercising. Then, he goes to his learning seder and has a strong desire to 'shmue's and not learn and he gives in to his desire and wastes, is mevatel, the whole seder with his chavrusa. He goes to maariv and has a strong desire to mutter through the tefilah, and gives in to his desire and davens without kavana. When he returns from maariv, while winding down to go to sleep, he has a strong desire to aimlessly wander through his phone/internet and stay up past his bedtime, and gives in to his desire, and goes to sleep past his bedtime causing him to feel weak and lethargic the next day.
Moshe is satisfied with himself and happy based on our new definition of happiness, while Yehoshua never truly feels happy and satisfied at all.
Driving in Neutral
The approach to happiness based on a neutral, even-keeled sense of living properly and trying hard to make the right choices and do the right thing can have a tremendous effect on how we react when we face serious struggles in life. This is especially the case when what we want and goals we aspire to in life do not seem to pan out and are apparently not in line with Hashem’s will since He hasn’t allowed them to occur. For example, if someone has not been able to find a marriage partner for many years, one must try to accept Hashem’s Will and not define happiness based on whether he has found a spouse. In these circumstances, we are bidden to accept Hashem’s Will and align our will with His Will, as it says in Pirkei Avos (2:4).
If our goal in life is to fulfill our wants and pursue our pleasures, then our goal will be dependent on circumstance, but if our goal in life is to align our wants with Hashem's wants and succeed in free will decisions, then fulfilling our true, proper goal in life will be in our control, and we can be content, independent of our circumstances. If our goal in life is to somehow thank Hashem even when our own goals are not met, then we can be remain happy even if we don’t get what we think we need, which we apparently didn’t really need, since Hashem didn’t give it to us.
We have to try to become content regardless of our circumstances. The way to achieve this feeling of serene acceptance regardless of circumstance is if we can define happiness as a neutral, even-keeled life of emotional health as opposed to defining happiness as a positive life of pleasure.
Happiness and positivity day by day is the key to living a productive life but the way we usually define happiness makes it very elusive and difficult to achieve.
With our redefinition of happiness, this vital human need is now well within our reach!
Notes:
The great service of Hashem we have discussed actually falls under the structure of the mitzvah to walk in the ways of Hashem, V’Halachta B’Derachav. The Rambam discusses this mitzvah at great length in Hilchos Dei’os (parakim 1 and 2). We must fulfill the mitzvah even in a scenario where we are not achieving the goal that we desire for ourselves.
The following are sources in the Rambam which clearly indicate that the mitzvah of V’Halachta B’Derachav requires us to attain happiness in the way we have defined above.
- Hilchos De'os, Perek 1, Halacha 4: One should be "Sameyach Kol Yamav Benachas", which means, content regardless of circumstance
- Hilchos De'os, Perek 1, Halacha 5: We are required to be "Sameyach Kol Yamav Benachas" in light of the pasuk "Vehalchta Bedrachav"
- Hilchos De'os, Perek 1, Halacha 6: One must try to be as "Sameyach Kol Yamav Benachas" as possible (Kephi Kocho)
- Hilchos De'os, Perek 1, Halacha 7: Being "Sameyach Kol Yamav Benachas" is the Derech Hashem
- Hilchos De'os, Perek 1, Halacha 7: Until "Sameyach Kol Yamav Benachas" becomes a permanent part of his personality, performing the actions to achieve this level will be burdensome
- Hilchos De'os, Perek 2, Halacha 1: So long as one loves pleasure and is averse to effort (which I believe is 90% of the generation), performing the actions to achieve this level of “Sameyach Kol Yamav Benachas” will be burdensome/laziness/difficult.
- Rambam, Hilchos Brachos, Perek 10, Halacha 3: One is required to happily thank Hashem in all circumstances, which would include even when one’s needs aren’t being met. (This is also brought in Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim, Siman 222: 3)
- Hilchos Tshuva, Perek 7, Halacha 3: One must do tshuva for not fulfilling “Vehalachta Bedrachav”, which means one must do tshuva for not fulfilling “Sameyach Kol Yamav Benachas” as best he can.
- Moreh Nevuchim, Part 3, Chapter 12: Rambam essentially says that if one tries to fulfill his own wants, he will be subject to much emotional illness, whereas if one aligns his wants with Hashem’s wants, he will avoid much emotional illness.
- 7th Perek of Shemoneh Perakim: Sameyach Bechelko is Histapkus which means to be content regardless of circumstance.
Samuel Haft spent a decade in virtual isolation and has developed a philosophy on happiness that has been endorsed by rabbinic leadership, and is now disseminating throughout the world to promote authentic Jewish practice and emotional well-being in today's society.
If anyone would like to discuss the article further, the author can be reached at [email protected]. This article previously appeared in Yated and was sent to Arutz Sheva by the writer.