Obama to apologize for USA Olympic victories (a satire)
Obama to apologize for USA Olympic victories (a satire)

If not for Jamaican Usain Bolt, the United States would’ve walked home with every gold medal that wasn’t nailed down in Rio.

USA doubled the score against the rest of the world in nearly every event save for ping-pong.  

Isn’t that great, Mr. President? We’ve trounced them fair and square.

USA doubled the score against the rest of the world in nearly every event save for ping-pong (and that's not satire). 
“Micro aggression is the term we use in Liberal circles. Now I have no choice except to beg the world to forgive us for such colonialist behavior.”

What about American exceptionalism?  

“We call it greed. I’ll apologize for that, too.”

But Americans keep chanting USA. USA. USA. Pride. Patriotism?

“Trigger words. That’s not who we are. What about Iran?”

What about it, sir?

“Did we beat them in anything at the Olympics?”

Everything.

“Send them another $150 billion, with my apologies.”

Under what category?

“Find some excuse. We always do. Or ask Hillary.”

Mrs. Clinton, aren’t you thrilled about our performance at the Olympics?

What difference does it make?”

We’re winners.

“Only if I win, you creep. Yes, that’s how I talk when I’m outside the public eye.”

This is being recorded.

“Who cares, small time jerk. I can say or do whatever I want and they’ll still vote for me, the suckers. Ask Bill if you think I’m a liar.”

Mr. Clinton, how about them Americans?

“I did not have improper relations with that woman.”

Okay. Okay. But what about Rio?

“Not there, either. Honest. I never met the girl from ipanema. Ask John Kerry.”

Mr. Kerry. You must feel awfully proud about our sweeping the medal count in Rio.

“I blame global warming – and how much will it cost to bring our captives home from Rio?”

Those are Olympic athletes, Mr. Kerry. They’re free to go, even the Ryan Lochte jerks.

“We’ll pay whatever it takes, even if the price is $400 million. But we won’t call it ransom. Understand?”

We’ll call it what?

“Ask Obama.”

Hey, how about that Michael Phelps, Mr. President? What’s the word for all those gold medals he’s won for Team USA?

“White privilege.”

New York-based bestselling American novelist Jack Engelhard writes a regular column for Arutz Sheva. New from the novelist: “News Anchor Sweetheart,” a novelist’s version of Fox News and Megyn Kelly. Engelhard is the author of the international bestseller “Indecent Proposal.” He is the recipient of the Ben Hecht Award for Literary Excellence. Website: www.jackengelhard.com