Daily Israel Report
Show More

OpEds


Purim Satire Edition: PM Sharon Awakens, Surprises Nation

Sharon Awakens, Hamaninajad Nuked, Aliyah Soars, Arutz-7 Turns Down Request to Broadcast, and More - all in this exclusive Purim Satire Report! Real News Resumes Tonight.
By Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Jihad Jihad Jihad, Jr.
First Publish: 3/16/2006, 10:04 AM / Last Update: 3/11/2006, 12:44 AM

(IsraelNationalNews.com)
REAL NEWS RESUMES TONIGHT. HAPPY PURIM
Purim Satire News Headlines:
1. Sharon Wakes From Coma – Declares He Is a Changed Man
2. Mahmud Hamandinjad House Gets Nuked, All Within Die
3. Jews "Get It", America Faces Nationwide Bankruptcy
4. Marzelchai Refuses to Bow
5. Gov´t Begs Arutz-7: Please Resume Broadcasting
6. ´Save the Kinneret´ Purim Drive Raises Water Level Muchly
7. Concern in Israeli Police: Can´t Find Good Truncheons Anywhere
8. Ahashverosh ruled over 127 Medinas, here are most of them...


1. Sharon Wakes From Coma – Declares He Is a Changed Man
By Tzvi Fishman


(Purim Satire) On the most electrifying day in Israel since Ben-Gurion declared Independence, news is spreading across the country that Prime Minister Ariel Sharon awoke during the night.

The Prime Minister was healthy, talking, and completely aware this morning. Israeli media have been covering the miraculous event with an attitude of what can only be described as jubilance - Israel's hero has come back to life. Even Sharon's most vociferous enemies have been silenced by the enormity of the event.

By midday, Sharon's situation had changed. News reports were less exuberant. Visitors were filmed leaving Sharon's hospital room looking worried and subdued. A rumor was spreading that the first thing that Sharon had asked for was a kippah [yarmulke]. By late afternoon, a photograph was leaked to the press showing Sharon, adorned in tefillin [phylacteries] and a prayer shawl, praying by the hospital room window. Surrounding him were right-wing Knesset candidate Baruch Marzel and Knesset members from the religious parties Shas, Agudah, and the National Union/NRP.

A thinner, tearful Sharon addressed the people of Israel at a press
conference this evening. With his head lowered, and in a soft, almost
embarrassed voice, he began by saying, 'Baruch Hashem, Thank G-d. In the
Supreme Court in Heaven, my soul was sentenced to eternal wandering, with
no comfort nor rest - just like all the settlers whom I uprooted from their
homes. But because of your prayers, I was granted a reprieve. I hope all
of you can find room in your hearts to forgive me for the terrible damage I
caused, and for leading our country astray.'

Before leaving the hospital, Sharon fired all of his cabinet members,
placing religious MKs in their place stead . He signed a Prime Ministerial order
placing Ehud Olmert under court arrest as a danger to public safety. 'His
advice was more venomous than Haman's," Sharon declared. He then went to the Kotel [Western Wall] to pray. As he walked toward the most significant religious place for Jews, the crowds shouted "Arik! Melech Yisrael [King of Israel]!"

For the next two weeks, before returning to his office, Sharon plans to journey around the country, visiting every single family he expelled from
Gush Katif and the Shomron. His goal is to personally beg for their forgiveness.

If Ariel Sharon's Kadima party wins the election, he says he will dismantle the party and unite all of the Jews in a new party, Brotherhood of the Brit [Covenant]. He further promises that within three months, Gaza City will be razed, the Arabs transferred to Egypt, and construction begun to rebuild Gush Katif.
Just before midnight, in a sensational, three-hour blitz, Israeli Air
Force bombers leveled the atomic reactor in Iran. After hearing that the mission was a success, Sharon held an emergency press conference, announcing that Israel's bombers could just as easily reach Paris and Moscow.

Following the press conference, Sharon bought an apartment in Kiryat Arba and expressed interest in joining the kollel [Torah study group] in Hebron.


2. Mahmud Hamandinjad House Gets Nuked, All Within Die
By Yishai Fleisher

(Purim Satire) Mahmud Hamandinajad was killed today along with all his household when his house dissipated in a mushroom cloud, putting all of Teheran in a decidedly bad mood.


"It was like Allah took him in a Chariot of Fire," said Yishmael Taweelhed.

The mystery surrounding the explosion has yet to be unearthed, but some facts have come to the surface. A few weeks ago, Hamandinajad had become tenser then usual when Iran's secret police informed him that the seed of Yigal Amir, Israel's most famous prisoner, was to be transferred over to his new bride. This piece of news created great anxiety in Hamadinajad's heart, for it corroborated the message of an ancient scroll dating to the time of Daniel the Prophet which was in Hamandinajad's possession. The scroll states that in the end of times a man who wields a fire-stick will attempt to save the Jewish people, but will instead be imprisoned and unable to procreate. But a new magic will arise which will enable him to have a child without union. It is this seed which will bring about the redemption of the Jews and the destruction of their enemies. Concerned with his fate, and the fate of his people, Hamandinajad embarked on a plan to nuke the Israeli prison which holds Yigal Amir.

Ahamandinajad was planning to fire a nuclear-tipped Jihad3 missiles at Israel on March 14th - a date randomly selected by computer. In the weeks beforehand, however, a delegation of American Reform Rabbis for Homosexual Marriage were touring Iran on a goodwill mission. This delegation was headed by a certain Dr. Trimbobler who curried the favor of Iran's top echelons, and though she wore a burka throughout the trip, she generally found favor in all who saw her. In fact, she was shown many of Iran's secret installations, including the silo sites for the Jihad 3.

Unbeknownst to her fellow travelers, and certainly to Iranian officials, Trimbobler was on a secret mission code named "Nahafochu" for the underground organization "Jews For Jihad," whose mission is to turn Muslim Jihad in on itself. (She once famously quipped "If they want to commit suicide, let them really commit suicide.") Upon entrance to the Jihad 3 installation, Trimbobler faked a broken heel, and proceeded to access the coordinates of the missile target. "I had only seconds to do it," Trimbobler said, "and my life was in danger, but then I heard Ilan Ramon's voice talking to me as if from the heavens, and he said to me 'Use the force, Larrisa, and as G-d guided me to Osirak, so too, He will guide you. Fear not, for the force will be with you - always!" Trimbobler was able to change the coordinates without being detected.

In the days prior to the launch date, Hamandinajad was noticeably perturbed, awaiting anxiously to fire the deadly arsenal. His only solace was listening to Wagner on his specially designed Triangular earphones, and drawing anti-Semitic cartoons for a local daily. Hamandinjad dreamt of the day when he would be paraded on the main streets of the world and heralded as "Master of the Universe." If he could kill the Messiah, then he would rule the world, and become even more powerful then his heros Hitler, Khomeini, and Gargamel.

When the fateful day came, it began badly when a metal bucket came crashing on Hamandinajad's head. A household servant named Cherbona, who was not in the house when it exploded, told reporters that the bucket was filled with manure from the sheep that the Hamandinajads kept on the second floor. "Muhmud's wife, Ichsa, was cleaning the stalls of Mahmud's favorite sheep, and the bucket simply fell on his head" said Cherbona.

Hamandinajad was not to be dissuaded, though, and was readying to depress the Red Button which he had installed in his own house so that he could watch the whole thing on CNN from his own couch. He gathered all his ten children around himself and prayed out loud, "Oh Allah, you know we are a backwards people, a people bent on violence and world domination, please help us destroy the Messiah!!!"

At 127 AM, a gigantic fiery explosion ripped through downtown Teheran with its epicenter being at Hamandinajad's home. It seems as though a certain Jihad 3 missile had gone off course. The light generated by the nuclear explosion was so great that it illuminated the night sky of Israel 2,000 kilometers away. The Jews had light and joy that night and great celebrations were held. The president of Israel, Baruch Marzel, issued pardons to many Jewish criminals who promised to do Teshuva. Yigal Amir was released and promptly held a massive chuppah at Kikar Malchai Yisrael (Rabin Square) for him and his bride Dr. Larissa Trimbobler.


3. Jews "Get It", America Faces Nationwide Bankruptcy
By Malkah "MixMaster" Fleisher

(Purim Satire) In an as yet unexplained turn of events, an unprecedented number of Jews have registered to make Aliyah in time for the Jewish holiday of Passover - 6,000,000.

World leaders across the globe will be meeting in Durban, South Africa to discuss their new Jew-less situation. French President Jacques Chirac seemed to be walking on air as he glided between meetings of the international heads. "I had always hoped that my country would be Jew-free, but I never expected it to happen," Chirac stated in a press conference outside the same conference center in which international elements proclaimed Zionism to be racism just five years ago. "Only yesterday I was defaming Israel and secretly ordering undercover police officers to break Jewish storefronts. My morning baguette just won't taste as good, knowing that it was baked in a world where Jews are happy."

U.S. President George W. Bush, however, was seen weeping openly between bouts of nose-blowing with the help of his Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice. "What the heck am I going to do without those dear Jewish friends," Bush lamented in a press conference following the introductory meeting. "Y'all don't know how much money those Jews make us. It's almost like G-d just follows them around, giving them assistance in everything they do." When asked if his concern at the Jewish departure was financially based, Bush said "I mean, luckily for me, I'm just wealthy and there's not much for me to worry about. But what about the poor people? Just thinking about what poor little girls like Jennifer Aniston will do for supper after our stock market crashes just puts me in a huff."

Half way through the press conference, Bush broke down in sobs and was carted away by his wife Laura, crying "What about Kwanzaa? What will we do without KWANZAA?!"

Despite recent political unrest and socio-economic criticism, Israel will now become home to all but 20,000 of the world's Jews. These 20,000 Jews are comprised of Chabad religious representatives, who will continue to maintain their posts in far away tourist locations such as Katmandu and Reikjavik, and 4,000 Jews in Manhattan who declared in a New York Times paid advertisement that "Manhattan is the new Jerusalem."

Not since the exodus from Egypt have so many Jews moved to Israel in one short time period. The ironically unified decision of world Jewry to make Aliyah has been attributed to two sources:
* Pro-Israel reports from a small but wildly successful pro-Israel news service, Arutz -7, and
* something that UN Secretary General Kofi Annan is calling "that Torah thing," asking, "Are those Semites still carting that thing around?"


4. Marzelchai Refuses to Bow
By Azra Halwi

(Purim Satire) Marzelchai the Jew was sharply criticized by the mainstream leaders of Persia's Jewish community for refusing to bow out of the end-of-Adar election race.

The leaders of the National Jewish-Persian Union party, who recently compromised their ideological position to save the floundering National Religious-Followers-of-Orders Party, urged Marzelchai to bow rather than "endanger all of the Jewish community," in their words.

"I refuse to bow," said Marzelchai, who stood with his associate, Queen Esthelberg. "And no - it isn't because anyone tied a miniature idol to their boot, it is because, as an inebriated guy who came in off the street at a Purim feast in Jerusalem's Musrara neighborhood last year said, 'Marzelchai is from the tribe of Benjamin and Benjamin does not bow!'"

NRFOP chairman Zeb Lightheart dismissed Marzelchai's explanation as "outdated hogwash from someone living in the past." Lightheart went on to say that if the King ever gave the order to "pull an Amona on that guy," he would get much satisfaction instructing the Persian Jews under his control to follow them "with gusto."

The NJPU later explained that Lightheart was not authorized by the joint party to make such a statement, saying that the official stance of the party was that Marzel should bow because "that is what everyone else is going to do according to state-run Persian radio, as well as state-run Channel Two polls."

Meanwhile, an unscientific poll conducted by walking through Shushan's main marketplace revealed that 96% of the vendors and 87% of the camel-drivers are planning on casting their vote for Marzelchai.


5. Gov´t Begs Arutz-7: Please Resume Broadcasting
By Harold Farndale, Jr.

(Purim Satire) Former Communications Minister Ipod Walmart, now serving as Acting Prime Minister until Prime Minister Oreo Sharon awakens (a matter of no more than a few months, or at most a year or two, according to doctors at Esther Hospital), issued an official governmental plea to the operators of Arutz-7, asking them to resume their regular schedule of broadcasting.

Walmart said, "The left-wing media continues to bash me for my alleged corruption, whereas Arutz-7 is much more balanced: Their criticism of my alleged corruption - oh excuse me, someone's calling me from the 4th floor, or is it the 5th, of my newly purchased house - naah, forget it, they'll call back later - is balanced with their criticism of my plans to call a close-out sale on the Land of Israel. Fair and balanced - that's Arutz-7!"

Labor MK Bigton Cable, who spearheaded the drive to close Arutz-7 in 2003, said, "Acting PM Walmart is being just slightly two-faced - though certainly not enough to prevent us from sitting with him in a future government coalition after the elections. When he was Communications Minister, he did nothing to help Arutz-7 become legal, even though he knew that my entire goal in delegalizing Arutz-7 was to aggrandize my own name. And it worked!"

Baggy Bazeet, veteran government-run Israel Radio broadcaster who sometimes interweaves commercials into his personal tirades against religious and right-wing elements, commented, "If I recall correctly, the boycott against me was probably originated by many people who listen to Arutz-7, who don't have to listen to the radio altogether for all I care. So this doesn't affect me, does it?" Repeated complaints over the past year to the Israel Broadcasting Authority about Bazeet have repeatedly received the same response: "We will have a meeting about this, thank you."

Yaakov Harvonaleh, Arutz-7's Executive-Director, rebuffed Walmart's request for Arutz-7 to resume broadcasts, saying, "Why should we bother returning to the airwaves? We plan to take over the world with internet! By the way, if you want to be a part in this great enterprise of filling the world with Torah-true Judaism, positive broadcasting and Land of Israel loyalty, just fill out this contribution form I happen to have here. You can check either the million-dollar box or two half-million dollar boxes - just like at Ahashverosh's feast, it's your choice."

Listeners of Arutz-7 greeted the governmental request with great enthusiasm. One listener, Achdut Mamlachti of Kiryat Rav Kook, said that Arutz-7 would certainly realize that a request from the successor to the Kingdom of David should be treated with utmost gravity, and that even though the people in the government may be sinners, the government table itself is as holy as the table in the Tabernacle. Rabbi Shlomo Iminer agreed, saying that the rabbis of Arutz-7 would never risk endangering the unity of the nation by "refusing" such a holy command.


6. ´Save the Kinneret´ Purim Drive Raises Water Level Muchly
By Susan Tawil

(Purim Satire) A special liquid appeal has been issued to the Israeli public.

Each family is to contribute at least one bottle of wine from their Mishloach Manos to the 'Save the Kinneret Pour-a-Thon' has resulted in a much-needed rise in the sea's water level.

Characteristic of the righteous women who were first to donate their
jewels for the building of the biblical Mishkan (Tabernacle), Israel's women
were most enthusiastic about this program, joyously grabbing Purim bottles
away from husbands to contribute to the cause. So successful has the
campaign been, that the Kinneret now holds an amount sufficient to sustain
Israel's water needs for at least the next several years.

A human chain was formed on Purim, stretching from the Kotel (Wall) in Jerusalem to the Galil in the North. Bottles were passed fire-brigade style to the shoreline, at which point they were opened and dumped into the sea. "We've already had a lot of practice making human chains," said organizer Alta K'nocker, formerly of Gush Katif. "Everyone knew just what to do; people were happy to help." Although picket signs urging Acting PM Ehud Olmert to "Jump into the Sea" dotted the route, there were no incidents of violence.

Organizers of the event requested donations of white wines such as Chablis, Asti Spumante, and Kedem Cream White, to avoid an end result resembling the first of the Egyptian plagues. "The Kinneret drive was successful beyond our wildest dreams," said Interior Minister Shikker Almoni. "Not only have we raised the water to an optimum level, but the resulting quality of the water has been greatly improved. The added alcoholic content has destroyed harmful bacteria, and the Israeli public as a whole has become a whole lot more cheerful and mellow."

"We did experience one unforeseen result," Shikker continued. "We forgot to account for the effect the Pour-a-Thon would have on the Kinneret's fish. But, gam zu l'tovah, [it all worked out for the best]: we now have enough pickled herring not only for Pesach, but for export as well."


7. Concern in Israeli Police: Can´t Find Good Truncheons Anywhere
By Yehezkel Laing (Bin Nun)

There is growing disappointment in the Israeli Police Department over the quality of their truncheons.


The problem came to a head last month during the dispersal of protestors at Amona when under the strain of battle, many police batons simply broke.

"Mine broke over the head of a youth," says one angry officer. "After only five minutes of beating him it split in two! Can you believe that! I think the quality has gone way down.'

Another officer agreed and said the clubs should be made out of harder material. "When I hit a settler I want to know that he is going down for good," said one officer, on condition of anonymity. "One guy I hit got up three times before I finally knocked him out."

The French manufacturer who makes the equipment guarantees the truncheons for three years. But the company claims that the police used the truncheons improperly and specified that they should not be used on hard materials like walls.

"That is just a lie", countered another officer. "I was hitting an elderly women who was frail and soft and still it broke! It's gotten to the point where you cant trust anyone nowadays."

But a senior officer was more hesitant, saying "It's true that sometimes the officers hit the ground or rocks when they miss. These religious youth are very wily and are hard to catch and pin down. If only they would hold still longer while we beat them, we would have less problems."

"The kipot [yarmulkes] make their heads slippery", lamented another officer.


8. Ahashverosh ruled over 127 Medinas, here are most of them...

This is an Eire tale about (Hong) Kong Achashverosh. He lived in a Kingstown called Susia and ruled over 127 Medina(s), like some kind of United Nations. When he was Finnish with his disobedient wife Vashti, who refused to appear with no Bikini Atol at his Galicia party. So he Toledo "You Congo now!" and showed her the (Labra)dor. After she had Ghana way, the king told his messengers, You Ottawa go Roman from Hindu till Kushtan to Saskatchewan new queen. Go on, hurry to Virginia and Senagal. India end, the beautiful Esther won the crown.

Mordicai caught Potsdam and Teresh in the Nic(aragua) of time trying to do Vatican to, thereby saving the king's life.

Meanwhile, Mordechai sat outside the palace, where the Chile Haman would Czech up on him daily. "I Haiti you because you refuse to bow to me, and am willing Tibet that you'll pay heavily for this," Haman, who was Mad(agascar) scolded Mordechai and said,. "U.S.A very stubborn man. You Israelites are such Bahamas! If you keep this up, Denmark my words! I will have all your people killed! Just Kuwait and see, you aren't going to Rumania alive for very long, you Turkey!" To which Mordechai warned him "If you keep (Buda)pesting me you'll Sea that you LeHavre a lot Tolous.

Mordechai mourned and tore his Toga, a custom known as Korea. Esther sent him a New Jersey that he refused Delaware, instead he urged Esther to plead with the king. The Jews fasted for three days and grew very Hungary. Esther entered through the king's (Equa)dor and asked, 'Kenya Belize Columbia to a Granada banquet I've prepared for you and don't Leb(anon) out Haman?" To which he replied, "(Lake) Huron!" At the feast, she invited her guests with New Zealand, to a second Baffin to eat Samoa. The king said, Alaska once more. Esther, why Jamaica big meal, with Ivory Coasters and your best China? Yukon tell me what you want.. Unto half my United Kingdom including even the Northwest Territories I'll build you Newcastle and well call it Queensland". Esther replied, Now I'll tell you. Yes Siam. "Spain-full for me to say this, Kenya believe? The Maine trouble is - Haman is Russian to kill my people." Yemen he wants to Finish off all of them? I never even Niue that he was Sodom. Well he's not Ghana do anything like that.

Haman's loud Wales could be heard as he carried Honduran this Sceine. "Oman-der such Persia, Haman cried bitterly. "Iraq my brains in an effort to destroy the Jews. Iran through the streets threatening him, But that sneaky Mordechai - Egypt me!" to which Mordecai replied, "I guess you Laos. After Haman Occidentally slipped on some Greece Andes fell upon Esthers Bedford landing in Lapland. He and his ten sons did not go Scot(land) free, but when he pleaded that he had Togo, they were immediately hanged and went to their Netherlands. (In later times it would have been an Upper Volta) But to Sweden the deal, the Jews were allowed to Polish off the rest of their foes as well. "Iowa you one and love you Eilat because we got rid of an enemy and Uganda me a Nepal," the king smiled and added some more Texas for his people to pay as a tribute.

And that is why the Purim story Israeli a miracle for his chosen people.

So now, let's celebrate! Forget all your Syria's business and just be happy! Serb up and Mississippi your best, because its time to Taiwan on! Will you Haifa wine or Malta?

HAPPY PURIM!