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The agony remains forever

By Yehudit Tayar
6/23/2014, 9:06 AM

B"H

I admit that until now I was unable to write.  I am not ashamed of the PTS that I live with since the officers of the IDF came and told me that my husband, the father of our new baby daughter was MIA (missing in action) during the Yom Kippur War.  I am not ashamed that when the officers knocked on our door and asked if this was the house of Ami Shadai Tayar I fainted. I remember as if it was only a few minutes ago and not 40 years ago sitting shaking as the head officer held a thick book of names and searched for Amis' name amongst the hundreds and hundreds of names.

I remember as if now feeling the disbelief that these officers had to go to all of those families.  The feeling as if I were under water outside of my body and this was happening to someone else- telling the medical officer not to give me anything because I have a new baby.

The officers asking me "when did you last hear from Ami?"  Me looking at them in disbelief and responding, "Yom Kippur in the afternoon when he was called up to the war."

The officers gave me a list of offices of MIA's of the IDF to go to.  And in the cloud of shock I never even thought of how I was supposed to do this with a new baby - no car- no phone- everyone is out fighting- how was I supposed to get to these offices???

As they were getting ready to leave I remember grabbing them and asking over and over- wait- wait who tells Amis' parents?  His Mother is a survivor who waited 9 years before she could have Ami- he has one brother fighting in the Golan- who tells them? The officers turning to me and responding- "you do- you are the closest relative we only come to you- you must tell them."

I remember going to the cradle of our new daughter and saying a prayer, "please HaShem let her see her father- let him come home." 

The agony of not being able to tell the parents that their son was missing in action- finding a way to say that the IDF does not know where he is - and of course them immediately understanding what I did not say....

The endless months of not knowing anything... each minute thinking about him- is he dead? is he alive?  is he in pain?  does he know that we do not forget him?  will our daugher ever know her father?

The endless hours of heartache and pain and trying at the same time to take care of our new baby- and be a mommy to her- especially since she had no daddy.......

We had a miracle and Ami did come home after many many months- came home on the way to a military assignment from his commander Ariel Sharon, and after a few hours went back to the war.

It is always with me- each day when I read Psalms- Tehillim I read them also with the special prayer and list of our MIAs' and Yonatan Pollard.  It is always there and I so know what these families are going through and pray for them to have strength and for them to have the miracle that we had- for them to come home safely and soon as possible. amen.

Let the sons return home  Yaakov Naftlai ben Rachel  -Gil Ad Michael ben Bat Galim  - Ayal ben Iris Tshura

Please HaShem protect them and bring them home safely - now! And please never may anyone go through this nightmare again. amen